Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/No I Didn't
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I rewrote this article from the incredibly tiny stub that it was (check the history) and tried to make it into a more expansive monologue. I'd appreciate some advice on possible improvements. Thanks in advance, mrmonkey72 01:02, 29 July 2008 (UTC)
- Sorry to say this, kid, but this kind of thing has been done so many times. Look at your UnNewses, they are simply awesome, like professional quality. If you can write like that (that well, whatever...) in an article you will have a feature in a click. -- 13:44, 30 July 2008 (UTC)
- Yeah, I decided that I'm not really this fond of it, I mostly just did it as practice. YesTimeToEdit, you can still review this if you want, but don't worry about it if you've got other stuff to do. --mrmonkey72 14:32, 30 July 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||6.66||Hi, I'm Yettie, I'll be your pisser for today. Take a pint of bear and let's get started...do monkey's drink bear? See this is the thing, I don't know if you do...do you? I mean if you don't, that's totally cool Yes, I'm getting to the review. By the way if you want more than one pint, feel free... Just take as much as you want, as long as you don't clean us out. Obviously "take as much as you want" should not be taken literally, 'cause we've only got about 10 cans. Each can is a pint, so I guess that translates to roughly ten pints. Okay, come into my office, so that we can kick this thing off. Don't worry, I won't molest you, I never molest monkeys...I mean apes, yes, monkeys...NEVER!|
What's up, man? and Why would I fuck your girlfriend?: The first one of these two paragraphs - What's up, man? - was an interesting start -well written, by the way - which raised a smile (in parts). That paragrah by itself isn't exactly a huge big piece of comedy, but, as I find myself saying quite a lot, it introduces the reader to the article very well. It sets up the first-person element of the article and the "you" element. Also, instantly, we know that this is about the "you" character blaming stuff on the "I" character. The next section - "Why would I fuck your girlfriend?" - is good, but probably too short. I think you could have extended on the "girlfriend is bisexual" idea. That could be made really hilarious, because the "I" character has managed to get himself into more trouble and upset/annoy his friend more. That one bisexual thing could be taken a lot further (but not too much further) and could really add to the article.
|Concept:||6||Not entirely original. The "I" character talking to a "you" character has been used a lot, and so has this "trying to shift the blame" thing. I don't mind the resuming of the "I" to "you" style, but the unoriginal idea kinda hits the article. You'll notice that you overall score, isn't appalling, though, because I do think this article is relatively well held together and isn't appalling...just not original. Whether you decide to continue this is your choice (a choice you look like you've already made). Maybe the advice I've given you here may change your mind or settle your mind further. Do whatever your heart tells you...as long as it doesn't involve murder. Murder is bad. Don't do murder. Drugs are also bad. Don't do drugs. And, that's pretty much for life's bad stuff (as far as I can remember). Here's a good motto, to take away from this interesting therapeutic session we've had: If you're not sure, assume it's good. I live by this. Damn, you can tell can't you? You're so envious of my life...ENVY BAG! :P|
|Prose and formatting:||7||There's no opening paragraph, which is slightly unusual. I would try and remedy this, maybe by making that first section the opening paragraph? Also I reckon this whole pee could do with more links, just to make it look nice and blue-link-spattered. Also a number of your sections are slight underpopulated with words (felt a flourish would be more interesting than saying "short"). A few of these short paragraphs have quite interesting little diversions or subplots (or whatever you want to call them) that you could expand upon.|
The style you've chosen ("I" to "you") is one I quite like, actually. It's quite easy to make this style sound nice and flowing, but even still you've done a good job with the writing. Some bits do sound really polished, even if they don't make you laugh your hat off. Good work there. On the formatting issue, as I've said: needs more links. Otherwise the formatting is fine.
|Images:||4||Well there's only one and for an article of this length (which is that long a length) you should have two or three (or four). At least one of those images should be a really good, funny one (possibly photochopped. The one picture you have added seems to be kinda an afterthought and doesn't seem to fit very much. It doesn't really add to the article. If you can you should try to replace this image with a better one.|
|Final Score:||29.56||So I've given you a load of suggestions there on how to improve this. However, I'm sorry to say that I wouldn't really waste lots of time and effort improving this article only to have a funny finished project that will annoy quite a few people and provoke the "This isn't new" reaction (as DJ, there, demonstrated). I would reiterate what he said...you can write some brilliant stuff, but this article isn't really among your best and probably never could be. Why not try writing an alternative namespace article (UnBooks, HowTo, Why?, UnTunes etc.) for a bit of alternative fun. I see you've already written one or two (and by the way, these days I don't really consider UnNews an alternative namespace). Good luck, whatever you decide to do.|
By the way I read your comment halfway through and decided to finish the article so as to rack up one more "in-depth" article in my race to overtake MDL in number of reviews. I guess you've already realised a lot of what I said, just pretend you haven't, okay? Pretend the stuff I'm saying is entirely fresh... :-)
|Reviewer:||- [19:31 30 July]|