Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Nintendo DSi (resubmission)

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edit Nintendo DSi

I submitted this article a few days ago, got somewhat low scores on it, so I've done a fairly big overhaul and could use some insight.

PS: If you can think of a better caption for the second image, I could use the help with that.

Kirbywave2 Aethix ~ Talk|Contributions|My project Kirbywave2 00:58, 18 April 2009 (UTC)

Nopee Mind you, this tree is taken!
Pee Review In Progress
This review is the property of:
-- DameViktoria Heart_anim.gif Icons-flag-gb - (Contribs) - (Talk) - (Block log)

Humour: 6 Not a bad article humour wise, but not a brilliant one, either. The whole Nintendo is watching you meme could take some exaggeration from it's current state, it's in fact a little on the lame side, limping on the line between "Nintendo PR staff member's writing" and "bored short oneliners when author ran out of energy". Pick a style and stick to it, unless you're writing an article in the vein of that on ADHD or Asperger's Syndrome.
Concept: 7.5 The concept itself is a rather obvious one, albeit obvious doesn't always make an article bad. Sometimes the obvious is a safe way to go, however this time it seems like you didn't dare go all the way with what you started in the first paragraphs, speaking "as Nintendo". You could very well expand the Applications-section to describe a few games more in detail.

Think about the sales pitches for new "genre altering video games" out there. Every single one yabbers on about immersive gameplay and new player experience, whatever they manage to deliver in the end is usually up to the players themselves to decide, and a lot of "PR person's future hit products" are actually just shameful mistakes later when they're tidying up their resume in search for a new job, as half of Microsoft's marketing department should be doing now, had that corporation such a thing as a marketing department...

Prose and formatting: 6 were this article supposed to be written entirely in the form of an "ad pitch" from Nintendo, it should be consistently so, not alternating between random calling of people idiots. I was actually happily surprised at first, then the list-like nature of Uses and Applications took the surprise down to a level of moderate disappointment. If you are going to make a list, keep it compact, don't make sub-topics like that and then just fill the sections with oneliners. Write a paragraph or two about what the thing is about. Something! You need to streamline the article a bit.
Images: 5 You have images, that's alright. The DS spying on you pic is not a bad one, and the caption supports it, the second one is currently not supporting the article quite as efficiently. Some images of for example the console and a few "screen caps" from some of the games you mentioned could flesh out the visual telling of your joke.
Miscellaneous: 6.1 Whoever wrote this is not my first recommendation for a reviewer for you in the near future. The scores are generally too high in relation to the comment quality, and it just makes me want to *headdesk*

The comment by "The President of Sony" was actually rather fun. :)

Final Score: 30.6 As comes to the article itself, I enjoyed reading it, though it's not giggity-giggle hilarious. Yet. You can still improve on it, and I've got faith in your abilities, it's a good start. Don't be afraid to work on it, use the "kill your darlings" method if you have to, but streamline the lists or expand them to actually encompass something more, like descriptions of the games you're listing. Add images that are either "screen caps" of the games in play, or even an ad poster for a game like Porn Star... You can think of something.

If pictures aren't your forté, you can always request an established photoshopper for example helps you out, or search the database for some existing pictures that may work with the article.

Reviewer: Cuddlywugglies, -- Luverly - (Contribs) (Talk) Heart_anim.gif Icons-flag-gb Grammar Nazi, Mum , BFF & NotM, CUN , GMP . - Perkele! 17:14, 19 Apr

So basically, kill the lists? Kirbywave2 Aethix ~ Talk|Contributions|My project Kirbywave2 17:24, 19 April 2009 (UTC)

More like either...
A) Keep but streamline them and make them more compact, Don't use the ===topic=== function but bold if you need to add "topics".
B) Expand them to full sub-topics with a paragraph or two of text each.
C) A little of Both. Do a compromise and try to come to a solution that appeals to the eye of a scrutinising reader, but still lists things to a person who can't be bothered with the text...
-- Luverly - (Contribs) (Talk) Heart_anim.gif Icons-flag-gb Grammar Nazi, Mum , BFF & NotM, CUN , GMP . - Perkele! 17:43, 19 Apr
I do want to add to this that I'd warned that my Review could be incomplete or that stated opinions could differ from the majority's. I admit that I maybe should given a tad lower marks, but I don't agree on your comment on my comments, there were some tips (sometimes, less is more.) Now to the article itself. Please, take the conspiracy further. For example, try this: the Sony Director is found whilst writing and you see an image of a blood splatter. And really, the Big Bros. Image is not funny if it is shown after the DSi Image. Oh, and please, just a tip for future edits, there's this Internet Browser application where the comment says: "For porn on the go!" Let it be the only sexist joke. The fact that it stands alone makes it funny, for some reason. | Lars863 19:03, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
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