I know it's kinda a bold thing what I did with this page, someone review it and tell me it doesn't suck. - UnIdiot | | Talk | Contribs - 01:12, Jun 5
Sycamore is reviewing your article, in the mean time enjoy Noel with this free coupon--— SirSycamore (talk) 11:44, 5 June 2008 (UTC)
A Free Coupon For a bumming session with Noel Fielding
Although I am not American, I think there’s is a case to say that even Americans would find this take a little short of humour.
Intro, You set the tone well here and follow the formula of say it at the beginning and say it at the end; this is good. unfortunately there’s just not enough stuff in between to really fill it out-it's kind of just the one joke throughout though several idioms-this does not make for the most funny of reads as its a little boring-maybe you could add more about the people, culture etc and parody them to really give an impression of the place.
1: The first section is hampered by the big text-this is always too gimmicky for me and should be used sparingly, it does not particularly work well here as it detracts form the first header.
You go though a conspiracy which you don't really fill out and I don't see how that really works. The images here are aligned left and boxed on top of each other which look bad. You also have to offhand colloquial writing style which looks poor and shoddy as well as answering your own question 'Come on be serious....I am'. Long sentence without substance 'maps etc' this again detracts format he article which could do with a little more material.
2: Extremely short-probably a merge with the above in my opinion-its just a random pint which does not really warrant a header-again probably a little more funny if you are from new Jersey-however I think there’s a lot more territory you could cover here. there is this old film called the Truman Show where Jim Carey plays this guy whose entire life has been filmed like a TV Soap-you could bring the conspiratorial element into the family element here more though something like that.
3: Header stated like a question-too off the cusp and a unfunny-this section does not really work, the Math’s picture is terrible-You could try to get more real looking equation and have it photoshoped as the idea could work, again for me probably a merger with above sections, simply too short of material and potential to really stand on it's own.
4: Repetition does not work here, a reference to another user which is very poor indeed t good-there’s little to be said here its a bad section, there could be a little more, something like an explanation quote about what new Jersey is supposed to be and this would contrast the former sections.
5: I have o confess that this has some potential, however it's currently too short, its good to have a human face within an article, I think there should be more Dialogue with Ray Charles, its too short again, ant the section following is pointless-and detracts form something very interesting here.
6: After Ray Charles there’s little going on here; it’s like gong back over the same territory, which is not really something people will appreciate.
7: A Volkswagen Bus could have some humour value, however here it could be integrated within the wider context the article, its difficult to go to in depth with these sections as they are pretty poor and not all that funny.
8: The lat section takes you right to the door-this is a good writing technique and is a nice touch in the article. There is the potential to turn the speaker into much more of a character, maybe some sort of crazed HOBO in a discussion with Ray Charles. Ended with big text-looks too amateurish to be funny, probably aim to be a bit more subtle at the end.
The idea has some potential-however you've got a bit of a one joke pony with no charters to yield a different perspective on it-Fine New Jersey does not exist, maybe you could fill that out more. I would add more dialogue and more clearly defined charters and viewpoints to fill out the concept. As it is, there is simply not enough going on here to make it funny. You have not put it together well either which I think weakens the piece quite a bit; it looks a little unloved
Prose and formatting:
Not so good, as I have mentioned bit sections have really made the piece poor read though a bad prose style. The images have been badly placed with one or two being redundant. The way you have written it is too casual and there is no sense that the reader is being drawn in. Realism is a key factor in humour-here there is none. Things can and should be ridiculous; however you need at some level to convince people that it is reality, this simply isn’t going on-Its just badly put together. Images generally should be aligned right. No wikipedia template. You have way of using headers as self referential questioning which reads poorly and comes across as being a little dumb-you can do this sort of thing but its just a little too pervasive throughout. Big text is also a little poor looking, and I would do away with this. Similarly the whole shot points like "Yes. Yes I am" don't look so great, direct speech has funny way of often being a little annoying to read and comes across badly-If you going to write an unscript this is fine, or possibly "some" parts of an unbook its alright, I would say ere it's not working so well and I would take a third person viewpoint with dialogue and direct quotes possibly added
The Equation one is terrible and should go the others should be resized to around 250px as the images have dominated the article. There aligned wrong and this I think give the article one of its most key areas where it's failing. The first one is alright-Although I like the one at the bottom more and I would move this up. The second blurred one is alright- but I think it's missing the point because it covers the whole US. The third one about credibility is pretty alright, and the last one is tidy and a nice addition. You could keep them at that size; however what I would do is reduce the number of them so that they don't dominate the article so much.
I have to say that the article does feel very much like a work in progress still with, however I think there could be something pretty good here- it's I think a question of filling it out and putting it together better