Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Neo Geo

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FAQ

edit Neo Geo

S3ahawk 15:56, August 14, 2010 (UTC)

I'll do this review asap. —HORSE PENIS WHORE MafiaHatBlack Mr. Antonio Yettie (talk) [19:07 14 August 2010]
Humour: 3 Read this, first, second, last and always

I have never heard of the Neo Geo before. And don't really know much about gaming consoles. I did quickly Google it though, just to find out what it was. Remember your article should be funny even if nobody has heard of the subject.

The Bad:

  • Much of it seems a ranty re-telling of the facts. I.e. someone just explaining the Neo Geo to a friend, and ranting about terrible it is.
  • Some sections there were too many examples and the paragraphs became more like lists. I got a little lost in "The Games Within the Absurdly Large Cartridges". Where were the jokes?
  • A lack of clear jokes. I was unsure what I was supposed to be laughing at.
  • Point-of-view/tone? Where's your funny angle on this? Where's that funny, subtle tone? Instead of just saying "THIS IS TERRIBLE!" or "The game cartridges are so big! Look how funny they are!" maybe try something more subtle, like "The Neo Geo ingeniously managed to fit quality into small game cartridges." Geddit? That's just a simple idea. So you could turn it round and make the article praise the Neo Geo's revolutionary 2D graphics system and their refusal to give into the Satanic evil of 3D. Instead of a ridiculously large price and a company that is just trying to steal your money, how about a "fair and reasonable price, allowing you to bring quality into your home at a low, low price!" See what I'm doing here? Just some simple pointers...
  • References to Zionist minds and jewgold seems a bit of jumping-on-the-bandwagon. Where does this come from? Equally, "Silly Nigger Kids" doesn't really make me laugh.
  • Maybe this would be funny if you knew more about the game consoles world and specifically Neo Geo, but this should not be the case. You should be able to appreciate the article from any standpoint with any background knowledge.


The Good:

  • Features. This section was better! more clever humour. But definitely needs to be worked on, drawn out and improved if you want to raise a chuckle. Make the two controller ports more of a surprise, more of a big deal.
  • There are some redeemable features of the article. With work this humour score can improve. You just need need to look at a different approach to Neo Geo.
  • The utter failure of the Neo Geo could easily be turned into something very funny
  • The size of the game cartridges. There's got to be a way to make that laugh out loud funny!


The problem I have with the article is that their seems to be a lack of jokes and much of it seems to be factual. Bits like "Others compare the sight of this atrocity to a great dane mounting Paris Hilton's chihuahua" seem to come across as a bit contrived at the moment. That line could be funny if it seemed natural and was worded a little more elegantly. I would say:

  • Adopt a funnier point-of-view/tone ("Neo Geo brings you magnificently small cartridges and revolutionary 2D graphics!" as opposed to "Neo Geo had crappy, giant cartridges and terrible graphics", for example. While it may be funny that the cartridges are huge and the system only had 2D graphics, you can't just tell the reader that. Because it does not come across as funny. Thing of a funny lolcat picture or the like. Now describe it. It's not really funny reading the description, is it?)
  • More jokes! Just try to add more clear and obvious jokes (not irrelevant and stupid jokes just thrown in for the sake of it, though, and not memes/bandwagon stuff)
  • The "Features" section is almost quite funny. Improve that section and you might have a really good starting point to edit your article and turn it into a masterpiece. Don't improve the section by simply adding more 'it did not have...' sentences. Think about reading that bit. What would make you laugh more? See misdirection and elevation perhaps? Start out with simple and obvious things the console is missing and work up to the gradually more ridiculous things and then end with something along the lines of "But fear not! The game console did have two controller ports".
  • Less listing prices and game names, perhaps, unless you can make this genuinely funny.
  • How about an opening line something like: "The Neo Geo was a revolutionary and inspirational console, released in 1990"? Or from another angle: "The Neo Geo is crap". In the latter, the bluntness and directness could be turned into humour. But be careful with that!
Concept: 6 There is potential here. From my quick dip into the Neo Geo world it seems like you have a crap, and hilariously unsuccessful game controller here. So comedy gold! Right? Right? Well, not if you just charge in. And I'm afraid that's what it seems like a little, here. You've just gone for the obvious overkill. Take a different and unexpected angle. There's not much more to say though, because you haven't actually got a clearly defined 'concept'. You haven't come up with a clear way to approach this yet, it seems. Other than a ranting, hatey sort-of make-fun-of-the-dying-failure sort of style. Prod the dead bitch! Because the Neo Geo (it seems to me) is so terrible and bad and failure-ish in every way it is very easy to go wrong, here. You have to make this extra good to find the funny. There are obvious things: cartridge size for one. And, if I may be permitted to repeat, how badly it sucked! So approach this awesome suckage in a new and cleverer way.

Don't say: "The Neo Geo sucks!" Do say: "The Neo Geo is awesome and revolutionary!" (We laugh because it is not. We laugh at the way it seems the author is trying to make the terrible Neo Geo seem appealing)

Get it?

I've given you a 6 because I'm counting your concept simply as the thing you've picked to write about. And there is comedy in the Neo Geo. Don't give up!

Prose and formatting: 6 I'm afraid the formatting is a bit messy.
  • Add more links! (Not too many more)
  • Slightly longer introduction section
  • Your paragraphs (something new users often fail extremely hard at) are actually not bad.
  • Section titles? Funnier? Better? More intriguing?
  • Do we perhaps need more establishing factual information? Just a little bit?

Here is really where I should be telling you about the tone, I suppose. You need a distinct tone or style. Also, some of your wording should be more elegant. Are you going to go for a friend-to-friend conversational style or a Wikipedia style? Decide, then make the article fits the bill and does not confuse between the two. You could adopt any style you want, really. But make that style consistent. Otherwise the reader tends to be a little confused.

I would focus on working on improving the humour score, however, before coming back to worry about the formatting. If you work on this I will be willing to give you a re-review to see how you've done and suggest any further pointers etc. Or you are welcome to request another review from another user, after working on it a little.

Images: 5 Meh. Are they relevant? Yes. Are they making me laugh myself dead? No. Pictures of the huge game cartridges could potentially be very funny. Also perhaps you need some photoshopped images in there? If you can't do this yourself, then you can always request some from Uncyclopedia makes you one. We won't bite. Don't have that many ideas at the moment for images.

Small formatting tip: I think an article looks more balanced if you have one (1) image on the right in the (or near the) introduction section, then the next image is on the left of the page, and then the next on the right. So the images swap from side to side. In my personal opinion the article just looks neater this way.

As for the video. I personally think it makes the article look un-Wikipedia-ish and does not really add much. I don't understand why the video would make you laugh. Concentrate on images and loose the video, I'm afraid.

A few ideas for images:

  • A Neo Geo with a giant games cartridge. We see a picture of the world, but a cartridge is jutting out. A caption might read: "As the picture demonstrates, the Neo Geo's game cartridges are so small that they fit comfortably in our galaxy". Or something.
  • Maybe a picture of some happy kids using the Neo Geo. A caption suggestion: "Your kids look sweet and content, but they're actually beating the fuck out of a drug dealing ho"

I'm out of ideas for images at the moment. Sorry. That's it. But concentrate on improving the humour score before images and such like.

Miscellaneous: 5 Averaged.
Final Score: 25 Humour is subjective. My comments aren't set in stone. There are innumerable ways of coming at this article. Don't be downhearted by my criticisms. In my opinion, and my opinion only, this article is not very funny at the moment. But no one's first article is very funny on their first draft. Don't give up. Spend some time reading things such as this, for example. Think of a way you want to approach this article and then get editing!

Do not give up! There is potential here. Beautiful, radiant potential.

Do not hesitate to ask me questions! Ask me here.

Do not just copy and paste the suggestions I've made and expect your article to be instantly hilarious. They're fairly unfunny suggestions and examples, trying to demonstrate what I mean. Look at my suggestions, yes, and interpret them in your own way, yes, but do not copy them. Not too much.

Get rid of this article's hatey ranting approach! I'm afraid that's how it comes across and it just does not work.

And also, Do not give up! Do not be disheartened by the low scores!

P.S. Sorry, I'm in a bit of a rush. So I apologise if you find spelling mistakes etc.

Reviewer: HORSE PENIS WHORE MafiaHatBlack Mr. Antonio Yettie (talk) [21:04 14 August 2010]
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