Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Neo-Luddite Dynamite

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edit Neo-Luddite Dynamite

I rewatched Napoleon Dynamite and I got to thinking, Hey, this would go great with Unabomber! -- Kip > Talk Works Puzzle Potato Dry Brush CUN Icons-flag-us 21:28, Jan. 23, 2012

I'll pee review this...if you sign up for happy monkey again this year ;) (or just maybe even if you don't) --ShabiDOO 05:55, January 30, 2012 (UTC)
High five for black mail! --ShabiDOO 11:30, January 30, 2012 (UTC)
Review...on its way! --ShabiDOO 06:49, February 2, 2012 (UTC)
Humour: 7 I find the whole thing funny. Some parts are funnier than others (for me that is).The top sections, I like the font that you used for the title, and if those bombs are pineapple bombs then they are cool, and the subtitle, in small letters, calling it a very short story, its genius. And its a great way to start off the article.

Who are you going to mail bomb today...I like the silly, sarcastic and absurd tone of this. And the response, using gosh made me laugh. I didn't get the caption about wolverines though. In the manifesto, I found it all a little confusing. The content of sections 1-3 is serious and real social criticism without any parody whatsoever, and then the liger is introduced, which would probably be helarious if it followed less serious content, but for me at least, seems totally out of place, and while its funny, I feel at the back of my head, whaaaaaaaaaaaat? Huh? I like the post civilised kareoke quote. In the revolution section, each piece of it is slightly humerous in its own way, but its not as funny as it could be, because they are not presented in a clear logical order but instead, seem to be four badly connected funny stuff about a revolution. If you connected them better or reogranised them or chose different content, then combined it could be hysterical. Sorry, but I dont get Stave 5 at all, though instinctively, I feel like theres something funny in there, but I can't figure out what it is. Its kind of the same with the epilogue. Its funny when you finish the article with an absurd description (woke up dead), and the zombified image is interesting, but I didn't laugh. Maybe I just don't get what should be obvious, but I find the article ends on a bit of a low note. I always though that any humerous article should finish with a (badum bum bum drum thing) bang or at least something funnier than most sections of the article. Over all there are lots of funny moments, but outside of a clear and logical order/format/concept I think they lose their greater potential, and that's a bloody crying shame says my grandmother.

Concept: 3 It seems like you are mixing Kaczynsky with Dynamite? Is that the concept? Theres nothing wrong with picking a concept like that, it could easily be funny, though I don't think you've pulled it off here, sorry. I think you should ask yourself a few questions before you edit this article again.
  • Why are you mixing these two people? Is it because they are similar?
    • Is it becasue they are two very contrasting people who would = funny when put together?
    • Is it simply absurd and thats reason enough?
    • As it is now, Im not sure why this article is about these two mixed together.
  • What are you trying to say in this article?
    • Is it supposed to simply make us laugh at the random absurdity?
    • Are you trying to say that crazy people are weird and we should laugh at that?
    • Im not sure you know yourself what exactly it is that you are trying to say.
    • Ideas?:
      • The article could be about a guy who is made fun of so much in school, that he runs away to a shack and gives up on society. So much so that he rejects technology, except the one thing that will help him get revenge, bombs. You can use the idea of his constant bullying at school to justify why he is assasinating people. The manifesto could start all serious, but then lead to a: stop making fun of me, I don't like toilet water, geeeez, and then back to the manifesto, and then use the liger as some dream he has (i.e. he will set the ligers free in a building filled with all the people who made fun of him at gym class). Basically let this guy justify anything and everything he does, because of school bullying.
      • Another possible theme, could be turning Dynamite himself into a hard core assasin. His dorky character and personality could just be a cover for what he really is: a bad ass secret spy that takes out people the government wants gone, and in the process he developes a split personality and takes on the two different personalities, and the government has to eliminate him.
      • The unibomber can bomb dynamite for being annoying and irritating, no matter how well he dances
      • You get the idea here

Once you have your over all concept clear (why are you writing about these two, why are they together, whats the point of it?) I think you will easily be able to rework the material, make some additions and painful cuts, while still maintaining the various mixture of images, quotes and other things (which is a great idea and has lots of very very good potential). Let me know if you understand anything I am saying here.

Prose and formatting: 5 A couple little things on writing articles that I always forget about myself when im writing articles. Take very great care to make the first impression of your first section set the tone and seem interesting. At the first section, you have a crazy image, a caption underneath it and then an introductory paragraph, with a quote underneath. In my humble opinion, those are a lot of things to put in the face of someone who is just starting to read an article. Already I've looked at or read four rather different things, and I haven't even started the article. I would suggest limiting the amount of things dangled infront of your reader to two different things per section, Id ask yourself why you are chosing those two, and combine then in an attractive way, hopefuly that compliment each other. Examples?:

Put the image in a medium size to the right or left, and then the quote to the other side in larger text. This is more than enough as a humerous intro and setting the tone for the rest of the article.

Or, just the image with its caption, and start off the article as you normally would (the image should be a thumbnail in that case) and put the quote lower down in the article, so that there isnt as much clutter and less things at the top. Hopefully you get what i mean.

The second section is great, As for the third section, again, you are throwing four different things at the reader all at once, and it is random how a reader will approach it. They may read the song first, then the caption under the song, then the image, then the caption of the image or they may read it all in a totally different order. That's not only chaotic, but a great loss, as this material could be gold if it was more logically placed (less cluttered and random seeming) and following a clear theme. Id suggest either picking two of those and staying with them, or ordering them in a way that is logical and makes the reader follow a natural order of them (or make some tweaks or edit text or chop an image with him singing in kaeoke etc.

In the fourth section, im sort of confused, im not sure what those four elements really had to do with each other. This may be a case of confusing content over the formatting (why im confused...that is) though again, as what makes this article great is that its creative, filled with lots of different and unique content and its formatting and placing of images and text, you really ought to think carefully where you are placing things, why there and why in that way (which loction, background, size, colour) etc... And do look into other ways to format things, youd be surpised how powerful wikia code can me. Just look at the (diaries of an emo) for inspiration and or ideas of code.

Also, think hard about the last section. what is it supposed to mean? Did the unibomber kill Dynamite? If so...why? how? why should we care? Or...is he a mix of the two personalities? In that case, did he accidentally kill himself?

anyways, these are lots of things to think about, but I don't think it would take long to reconceptualise the article and rearrange the content and formatting. I hope you have fun doing it.

Images: 6 The images, as themselves, are nice and range from cute, to funny. The Liger is pretty helarious in my opinion. Though the pencil image of the unibomber seems a little out of place, and the caption along with it is not only not funny to me, but also random, and a college style mama joke which might have been okay if it was an image of Dynamite. I also am not sure why you have the image of a man throwing a ball (is that from the movie). Theres no doubt in my mind you could mind a gif that was funnier and fit in better with the theme of the article. If it was you who chopped these images, good job. Nice chopping!
Miscellaneous: 10 Ten points for total motivation, as I like a lot some of the things youve turned out, and theres no doubt in my mind that this will be great when youre done with it.
Final Score: 31 So yeah, I like this article in that its very creative, I like how you formatted it into several small sections with lots of different ideas, I also find many of the elements funny. It just needs a very clear and useful purpose, concept and a better realization of this, which I think you can do using most of the content you already have here, with changes, tweaks and perhaps a couple more ideas or so. Good luck. I look forward to seeing the compelted version. Let me know if theres anything in the pee review you didn't get or if you would like some more ideas or suggestions.
Reviewer: --ShabiDOO 02:50, February 10, 2012 (UTC)
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