Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Needle

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edit Needle

Stickguy 08:03, 14 August 2008 (UTC)

I did this article a while ago, but I would actually like to know what some people think about it, well, other than the 5 people who voted on it...

This article is under review by
Gerry Cheevers.

Sayeth Gerry: shotgun!!

well, i'm not sure what you mean by 'the 5 people who voted on it', but i'll take a look. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 18:42, 21 August 2008 (UTC)

Humour: 7.2 *intro: 7

hmmm desptie the large template, the lack of content, the redlinks, the whitespace...i am very intrigued, and i want to continue reading. well done. i like the idea of this article being for children, but the approach could be different. instead of the lines of text (if you are a child, if you are an adult, etc.), just make it look childish enough that no adult would want to read it (put images of teddy bears and unicorns at the top).

  • hypodermic: 6

this section needs some work, but i like it. putting fear into a kid's head is just really funny to me. you should generally avoid using links that are broken, such as this. while lists are generally frowned upon, this one was good, although it could stand to have a step or two trimmed off.

  • sewing: 7

again, a good section, but it needs some love. try to be less hateful and blunt, and a little more ironically gentle. i did really like the leapfrog line.

  • acupuncture: 7

more solid stuff, it's not that it's not funny, it's more the delivery that's bringing it down. you address the child reading directly as 'billy' or 'johnny', either be consistent or drop it (i recommend the second one). lines like 'if you would shut up for a second you stupid retarded child' just seem harsh and don't contribute to the humor.

  • tattoo: 8

ha, i liked this section. it's a little short, and the poker game joke went over my head, but i really did like it. i would expand it by relating tattoos more with the needles used to make them, to bring it closer to the rest fo the article. for example, how tattoo needles mess with your soul and stuff.

  • the bottom line: 8

nicely wrapped up. same stuff as before: a little less hating. i like the idea that you become immune to this stuff the instant you turn 18.

Concept: 7.5 5/5 points for a well-known subject worthy of parody.

2.5/5 points for execution. you have a great idea here; run with it. throw some stuff up the top to make it seem like an airy kid's article about how needles are your friend. imparting the paranoia is genius. i'd really love to see some more work on this article.

Prose and formatting: 4 your formatting, grammar, spelling, etc. were pretty poor. the formatting is excusable, as it is your second article and you are a n00b. fear not! my reviews now come with a complimentary PROOFREAD! i will also deredlinkify your article, and maybe throw in some more blue ones. the paragraph style is okay.
Images: 0 no images! the template up the top works, but it is a template, not an image. as i suggested earlier, i think that some childish images up the top would go well with the intro. as for the body, a tattooed person wouldn't be hard to find, nor would a doctor holding a needle.
Miscellaneous: 7 i award you seven points, as this is a noble effort, and in my eyes a definite improvement from your first article.
Final Score: 25.7 firstly: well done. i like this article a lot, and i hope you're around to improve upon it, as a lot of n00bs seem to wander away from their work, never to return. i would suggest highly the reading of UN:RTFM and HTBFANJS, they are a tremendous help for writers, especially newbies such as yourself. don't be discouraged by the lowish score, a few images and better prose will increase that. you should work on this article for a while and then re-submit it to pee review. i think you can go a long way with this article. if you need any help with anything, feel free to ask me on my talk page. Good luck!
Reviewer: SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 19:23, 21 August 2008 (UTC)
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