Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Nazi Zombies (revised)

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edit Nazi Zombies

Gamma287 Tro-lo-no 069f11-1 MUN Icons-flag-us ☭Tetяis? 05:18, March 27, 2011 (UTC)

As if I wasn't completely swamped enough with things to do already, I reckon I'll review this. Sat here long enough, it has. Be done in a day or two, tops. 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 17:38, 9 April 2011
Thanks --Gamma287 Tro-lo-no 069f11-1 MUN Icons-flag-us ☭Tetяis? 20:55, April 11, 2011 (UTC)
Well, that failed... but seriously, I'll finish it soonish. And after all the beratement I'd give others about not finishing things when they said they would... terribly sorry about this, man. 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 23:20, 11 April 2011


Concept: 6 I'll be honest - I've never played any of it, or any of its parent dealies, either, so this is all new to me... hells, I didn't even realise it was a real part of the game at first. You could have been making it all up, for all I could tell from reading it, as there's actually not that much grounding in specific gamey-things, the things encyclopedia articles tend to talk about, or in general... ah, gamey terms. This isn't a bad thing, mind, as it does wonders for the readability for people like me, but my point is, perhaps a link to the COD one might help? Like the {{wikipedia}} things, except "from the wiki that thinks it know everything about the game" or some such.

Anyhow, what you seem to be doing here, general encyclopaedic article about the game, that's definitely a valid approach. I'm not entirely sure what you're making up or not, or if you even are, but then again with something like this, you don't need to. Accurate "Here's how it is..." articles can vary a lot, from something like Denise Milani's breasts, which just goes from a completely unexpected direction and comes out excellent for it, and something like that is sort of like you're doing here, entirely from the gamer's perspective without any of the other stuff which usually goes in a Wikipedia article on this kind of thing (and which might be stuff to mention, even if just in passing, as some of that stuff did seem quite odd), to something like KDE, which presents pretty much accurate but distorted facts, though with emphasis verging on complete baloney on anything that seemed funny at the time. Mind, some people didn't find KDE funny at all, but my point is you don't have to make anything up, and I don't know if you did make anything up, but it seems for the large part to be pretty straight up and accurate, and that's just fine. You just need to work with it more. Take what you present and... present at least some of it more oddly. Place more emphasis on the funny things, make unfunny things funny, emphasis whatever you're doing oddly, that kind of thing. Make the whole article stand out, which probably isn't an even remotely helpful thing to say, but... er, moving on.

Humour: 4 Piece by piece, as this is long and I can't just generalise that much profound about it all at once, apparently. I mean, there's a lot here, more than seems actually funny... while a lot of it is quite effective for informing folks and setting the scene, a lot of it also doesn't do much. If something isn't actually aiding the thing, either aiding general comprehension, setting up for funnies or making funnies, does it really need to be there at all? Can you make it be there for a reason, either make it funny, or make it part of or aid a funny? Funnies... they're very important, especially when you take an apparently rather direct approach like this. Can't rely on the concept itself so much.

Introduction

Lays out what it is rather well... not sure what 'Prestige' is, though, or why it matters, let alone how that should be funny. Actually, there really don't seem to be any jokes in here. Killing all the zombies is something, perhaps, but why is that funny? Is it pointless? Is it really exciting? Is that what draws people to it? Why is it so popular, anyhow? That could perhaps be funny, if presented properly, as with a lot of it, really.

Backstory

Known and accepted by whom? That could be a place for a joke, but it seems like you're just saying 'everyone knows this; don't question it', which is not at all funny. And why did the folks volunteer? Who were they, bums, broke college students, exes who were in fact 'volunteered' by others? Another potential place for a joke, mon.

And what does gibbed mean? If that was just how the put it, again, say something about that. Not just that it's what it said, but expand upon it, connect it to other things, or something. The links here are good, though, but perhaps saying this overtly might even be better. But again, it's mostly just 'this happened. Then this happened.' What's funny about that? Where's the irony, the emphasis, the weirdness?

Main Characters

Tank Dempsey

Instead of saying he's stereotypical, maybe just playing upon the stereotypes might work better, here? Emphasise his traits and actions and how ridiculous they are, perhaps mockingly, perhaps not, but more on that would be funnier than saying he's a stereotype.

And I do rather like the waffle bit.

Nikolai Belinski

Yes. Good. The skeletons, the vodka, how he was progressing... unfortunately, then it starts to get a little confusing. He killed her because she was sleeping around, or something else? If that's the case, though, don't make it out like he didn't know, make it out like he found out after not knowing or some such. The speculation, though, saying he apparently... and seems to... whatever, that also throws it off. He gives an appearance of it? Or... something. Except that's not even that funny, unless there's some grand irony about it?

Takeo Masaki

Why is he honourable? Why link the Order of Uncyclopedia? Anyhow, how'd he get stranded there? Why do you mention the cat? Is this demonstrating some personality trait or just random?

His quote doesn't really seem to add much, either, though, unlike the other fellow's.

Edward Richtofen

A plastic surgeon... of sorts? Pray, what do you mean by this? It looks like a joke, but if you don't actually say what it is you are calling this, then it means nothing to those who don't know the reality. I suggest examples instead of spelling it out, though. Strange that the sociopath would be Mr. Interpersonal Relations Guy, though.

Some of this seems a little redundant. Not that it is, but if you group the things into separate paragraphs instead of saying he created this, some other stuff, he created that, it might help. One for creations, one for personality and backstory, one for relations... something like that.

Types of Zombies

This is another case of too much information, too little humour... or maybe just too little humour; it's not actually that much information. The notion of playing fetch with the hounds is good, but perhaps work that in more than just a seemingly tacked on exclamation at the end? Say that tossing a ball after them causes them to lose their ferocious demeanour and suddenly become the playful creatures they truly are or some such nonsense, I dunno.

The gas zombies, though, whose speculation? Players, scientists, soldiers? And why are things trying to steal stuff? Don't say gameplay; what would be the rationalisation of the developers?

Utilities, Perk-a-Cola, Power-Ups, Wunderwaffen (Wonder Weapons)

None of this seems particularly essential or funny. The things themselves are just... I dunno. Do you really need sections, let alone subsections on all of these? It means nothing to the outsider, and doesn't really make that much funny. Perhaps merging better parts and making them funnier into one section about the items and utilities and whatnot in the game would work better?

If the teleporter need not be explained, why are you explaining that it need not be explained? Do we really care about this thing that's in the game and gives some rather bland bonuses?

The Perk-a-Cola, though, this just confused me. I mean... well, honestly, that just plain confused me. I don't understand what it is or how it works, let alone what's actually supposed to be funny about it

The power-ups are kind of funny. Nice and silly, at least, and the sorts of easter eggs writers do like to put in these things, so that's good. More likely to mean something to a more general audience even if they're not familiar with these. The list form hurts it, though. Makes it harder to read. Paragraphing to explain them and emphasise how crazy they are would probably work better...

The gun things do not need an entire list. Just talk about them in general and call out examples to make points or some such, please. They do have some rather good points, though...

See Also

Not sure why you have a 'see also' section for these, as they're all things which reasonably would have been linked in the introduction. Nothing funny about them being at the end, either.

Prose and formatting: 6 Overall, this is pretty well-written and well-formatted, the main issues being some listiness and the use of some words that... just aren't quite the right ones. I'll try to condense my usual anti-list rant into a sentence: Almost nobody wants to read a lot of lists save for the idiots who also tend to tack on more things, they're not very articley, and they're just not that funny to boot. In my case, it's a matter of... okay, huh? Since I don't even know what the things listed even are, but they're kind of pointless in general, anyhow, as they tend not to do much for the rest of it. These don't. For the love of all things shiny, make paragraphs, mon.

Some of this gets quite choppy, too. If you have a lot of short sentences, it often helps to put some of them together into longer ones with transitional words and/or puctuation.

If you move onto a new subjecty thing, make a new paragraph. Start talking about hellhounds, start a new paragraph if you're going to treat it as a change in direction. Picture of that might be nice, too.

Words and stuff (also could use a spellcheck, mind):

  • ...to the Prestige levels of the Multiplayer modes (1st, 2nd, etcetera), but is worth something among the zombies community... - Not sure what you're doing with the capitalisation, here. Unless these prestige levels are actually called that in the game, that shouldn't be capitalised. But then why would you be comparing the prestige of doing something to the levels that are just called that? And multiplayer should not be capitalised, since it's just a mode, whereas the Zombies community, you mean the community of the game thingy, no?
  • This mini game has become very prolific... - Prolific? You mean it propagates itself? Perhaps 'popular' would be a better term...
  • ...and is propagated to stay... - 'Prognosticated' or 'expected' would make more sense.
  • The test subjects were either: - Why do you list these two items with numbers and new lines? It'd read better if you just continue the sentence: one thing or the other.
  • Keep tenses straight. If you're talking about it in the past tense, stay in the past tense. Or if it's present, stay in present. Etc.
  • Tank Dempsey is your stereotypical... The reader's stereotypical thingy? As opposed to a stereotypical one in general? Probably make more sense to remove the 'your' on that alone, but it also might help to keep this more third-person in general, encyclopaedia and all. More professionalish. Because I'm totally qualified to say what's professionalish; I'm definitely not making that word up.
  • His aspirations all came crashing down after his fifth wife "mysteriously" died while "cleaning" Nikolai’s axe with her neck. - Using italics might work better than quotes here, as you're going for emphasis, no? That's what italics are for. See? Also, I'd advise adding a 'however' or some such, as the direction changes, here.
  • ...is able to conversate... - You mean 'converse with' the other fellow?
  • none the less - may as well make that one word, these days.
  • (seeing that he helped create them with Dr. Ludwig Maxis) - if it's a reason, should be 'seeing as'.
  • These are zombies that leave behind a trail of gas when they die are gas zombies. Lose either the 'these are' or the 'are gas zombies'. Only need one of those.These are zombies that leave behind a trail of gas when they die are gas zombies.
  • Space Monkies - 'Monkey' is pluralised as 'monkeys'.Although whatever they are, they just are.
Images: 4 You need more. For this much content, you need more images. I'll grant, it's possible to have too many, but these are definitely spaced out that more would fit, and fitting tends to be the main issue. It was with Science fiction, at least... damn, that had a lot of images. Anyhow, you should definitely have a lead image, something for the introduction, anything from cover art to a zombie to a screenshot or photo of any of them, but something to set the scene and draw in the readers, as it's likely to be the first thing they see. A witty caption wouldn't go amiss, either, but that's less important. And ones for each section, perhaps multiple ones, for some. The characters, why are they all in one image? Each guy in his own might work better, as that way each can go with the appropriate subsection and illustrate it more effectively for the reader. Read about the guy, see an image, perhaps with some caption making another funny, perhaps with no caption at all, then move on to the next. When they're all blocked together like that, though, There's too much information, and have to match the names, for the connection in the caption that seems flimsy at best. Unless you're actually making them out as some Fabulous Four in the section, which you don't seem to be, there's not much point in keeping them together like that.

The captions aren't overly funny in general, though... they just say what the things are. This is fine for illustrating the sections, but why not say more? Don't just say it's the machine that it is, point out something about it demonstrated by the picture, or some such, you know?

Also, those photos of the iPhone or whatever that was that the guy uploaded to the CoD wiki for their article could be pretty funny here, if you could make them fit. They're terrible, and thus should be easy to mock - perhaps if you ever add something about the more technical aspects of the game, things besides what's in it and the gameplay itself - graphics, releases, versions, etc, it could go with that. A thought, that's all.

Miscellaneous: 5 Eh, it's okay currently. I suppose this is my gut feeling or something.
Final Score: 25 Words, summary of review, and er... I mean, here's a review, what it says is up there, hope it helps, and feel free to stop by my talkpage if you have questions, complaints, or wish to request that I be banned.
Reviewer: 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 04:15, 12 April 2011
6
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Concept
The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
I'll be honest - I've never played any of it, or any of its parent dealies, either, so this is all new to me... hells, I didn't even realise it was a real part of the game at first. You could have been making it all up, for all I could tell from reading it, as there's actually not that much grounding in specific gamey-things, the things encyclopedia articles tend to talk about, or in general... ah, gamey terms. This isn't a bad thing, mind, as it does wonders for the readability for people like me, but my point is, perhaps a link to the COD one might help? Like the {{wikipedia}} things, except "from the wiki that thinks it know everything about the game" or some such.

Anyhow, what you seem to be doing here, general encyclopaedic article about the game, that's definitely a valid approach. I'm not entirely sure what you're making up or not, or if you even are, but then again with something like this, you don't need to. Accurate "Here's how it is..." articles can vary a lot, from something like Denise Milani's breasts, which just goes from a completely unexpected direction and comes out excellent for it, and something like that is sort of like you're doing here, entirely from the gamer's perspective without any of the other stuff which usually goes in a Wikipedia article on this kind of thing (and which might be stuff to mention, even if just in passing, as some of that stuff did seem quite odd), to something like KDE, which presents pretty much accurate but distorted facts, though with emphasis verging on complete baloney on anything that seemed funny at the time. Mind, some people didn't find KDE funny at all, but my point is you don't have to make anything up, and I don't know if you did make anything up, but it seems for the large part to be pretty straight up and accurate, and that's just fine. You just need to work with it more. Take what you present and... present at least some of it more oddly. Place more emphasis on the funny things, make unfunny things funny, emphasis whatever you're doing oddly, that kind of thing. Make the whole article stand out, which probably isn't an even remotely helpful thing to say, but... er, moving on.

4
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Humour
The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
Piece by piece, as this is long and I can't just generalise that much profound about it all at once, apparently. I mean, there's a lot here, more than seems actually funny... while a lot of it is quite effective for informing folks and setting the scene, a lot of it also doesn't do much. If something isn't actually aiding the thing, either aiding general comprehension, setting up for funnies or making funnies, does it really need to be there at all? Can you make it be there for a reason, either make it funny, or make it part of or aid a funny? Funnies... they're very important, especially when you take an apparently rather direct approach like this. Can't rely on the concept itself so much.

Introduction

Lays out what it is rather well... not sure what 'Prestige' is, though, or why it matters, let alone how that should be funny. Actually, there really don't seem to be any jokes in here. Killing all the zombies is something, perhaps, but why is that funny? Is it pointless? Is it really exciting? Is that what draws people to it? Why is it so popular, anyhow? That could perhaps be funny, if presented properly, as with a lot of it, really.

Backstory

Known and accepted by whom? That could be a place for a joke, but it seems like you're just saying 'everyone knows this; don't question it', which is not at all funny. And why did the folks volunteer? Who were they, bums, broke college students, exes who were in fact 'volunteered' by others? Another potential place for a joke, mon.

And what does gibbed mean? If that was just how the put it, again, say something about that. Not just that it's what it said, but expand upon it, connect it to other things, or something. The links here are good, though, but perhaps saying this overtly might even be better. But again, it's mostly just 'this happened. Then this happened.' What's funny about that? Where's the irony, the emphasis, the weirdness?

Main Characters

Tank Dempsey

Instead of saying he's stereotypical, maybe just playing upon the stereotypes might work better, here? Emphasise his traits and actions and how ridiculous they are, perhaps mockingly, perhaps not, but more on that would be funnier than saying he's a stereotype.

And I do rather like the waffle bit.

Nikolai Belinski

Yes. Good. The skeletons, the vodka, how he was progressing... unfortunately, then it starts to get a little confusing. He killed her because she was sleeping around, or something else? If that's the case, though, don't make it out like he didn't know, make it out like he found out after not knowing or some such. The speculation, though, saying he apparently... and seems to... whatever, that also throws it off. He gives an appearance of it? Or... something. Except that's not even that funny, unless there's some grand irony about it?

Takeo Masaki

Why is he honourable? Why link the Order of Uncyclopedia? Anyhow, how'd he get stranded there? Why do you mention the cat? Is this demonstrating some personality trait or just random?

His quote doesn't really seem to add much, either, though, unlike the other fellow's.

Edward Richtofen

A plastic surgeon... of sorts? Pray, what do you mean by this? It looks like a joke, but if you don't actually say what it is you are calling this, then it means nothing to those who don't know the reality. I suggest examples instead of spelling it out, though. Strange that the sociopath would be Mr. Interpersonal Relations Guy, though.

Some of this seems a little redundant. Not that it is, but if you group the things into separate paragraphs instead of saying he created this, some other stuff, he created that, it might help. One for creations, one for personality and backstory, one for relations... something like that.

Types of Zombies

This is another case of too much information, too little humour... or maybe just too little humour; it's not actually that much information. The notion of playing fetch with the hounds is good, but perhaps work that in more than just a seemingly tacked on exclamation at the end? Say that tossing a ball after them causes them to lose their ferocious demeanour and suddenly become the playful creatures they truly are or some such nonsense, I dunno.

The gas zombies, though, whose speculation? Players, scientists, soldiers? And why are things trying to steal stuff? Don't say gameplay; what would be the rationalisation of the developers?

Utilities, Perk-a-Cola, Power-Ups, Wunderwaffen (Wonder Weapons)

None of this seems particularly essential or funny. The things themselves are just... I dunno. Do you really need sections, let alone subsections on all of these? It means nothing to the outsider, and doesn't really make that much funny. Perhaps merging better parts and making them funnier into one section about the items and utilities and whatnot in the game would work better?

If the teleporter need not be explained, why are you explaining that it need not be explained? Do we really care about this thing that's in the game and gives some rather bland bonuses?

The Perk-a-Cola, though, this just confused me. I mean... well, honestly, that just plain confused me. I don't understand what it is or how it works, let alone what's actually supposed to be funny about it

The power-ups are kind of funny. Nice and silly, at least, and the sorts of easter eggs writers do like to put in these things, so that's good. More likely to mean something to a more general audience even if they're not familiar with these. The list form hurts it, though. Makes it harder to read. Paragraphing to explain them and emphasise how crazy they are would probably work better...

The gun things do not need an entire list. Just talk about them in general and call out examples to make points or some such, please. They do have some rather good points, though...

See Also

Not sure why you have a 'see also' section for these, as they're all things which reasonably would have been linked in the introduction. Nothing funny about them being at the end, either.

6
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Prose and formatting
Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
Overall, this is pretty well-written and well-formatted, the main issues being some listiness and the use of some words that... just aren't quite the right ones. I'll try to condense my usual anti-list rant into a sentence: Almost nobody wants to read a lot of lists save for the idiots who also tend to tack on more things, they're not very articley, and they're just not that funny to boot. In my case, it's a matter of... okay, huh? Since I don't even know what the things listed even are, but they're kind of pointless in general, anyhow, as they tend not to do much for the rest of it. These don't. For the love of all things shiny, make paragraphs, mon.

Some of this gets quite choppy, too. If you have a lot of short sentences, it often helps to put some of them together into longer ones with transitional words and/or puctuation.

If you move onto a new subjecty thing, make a new paragraph. Start talking about hellhounds, start a new paragraph if you're going to treat it as a change in direction. Picture of that might be nice, too.

Words and stuff (also could use a spellcheck, mind):

  • ...to the Prestige levels of the Multiplayer modes (1st, 2nd, etcetera), but is worth something among the zombies community... - Not sure what you're doing with the capitalisation, here. Unless these prestige levels are actually called that in the game, that shouldn't be capitalised. But then why would you be comparing the prestige of doing something to the levels that are just called that? And multiplayer should not be capitalised, since it's just a mode, whereas the Zombies community, you mean the community of the game thingy, no?
  • This mini game has become very prolific... - Prolific? You mean it propagates itself? Perhaps 'popular' would be a better term...
  • ...and is propagated to stay... - 'Prognosticated' or 'expected' would make more sense.
  • The test subjects were either: - Why do you list these two items with numbers and new lines? It'd read better if you just continue the sentence: one thing or the other.
  • Keep tenses straight. If you're talking about it in the past tense, stay in the past tense. Or if it's present, stay in present. Etc.
  • Tank Dempsey is your stereotypical... The reader's stereotypical thingy? As opposed to a stereotypical one in general? Probably make more sense to remove the 'your' on that alone, but it also might help to keep this more third-person in general, encyclopaedia and all. More professionalish. Because I'm totally qualified to say what's professionalish; I'm definitely not making that word up.
  • His aspirations all came crashing down after his fifth wife "mysteriously" died while "cleaning" Nikolai’s axe with her neck. - Using italics might work better than quotes here, as you're going for emphasis, no? That's what italics are for. See? Also, I'd advise adding a 'however' or some such, as the direction changes, here.
  • ...is able to conversate... - You mean 'converse with' the other fellow?
  • none the less - may as well make that one word, these days.
  • (seeing that he helped create them with Dr. Ludwig Maxis) - if it's a reason, should be 'seeing as'.
  • These are zombies that leave behind a trail of gas when they die are gas zombies. Lose either the 'these are' or the 'are gas zombies'. Only need one of those.These are zombies that leave behind a trail of gas when they die are gas zombies.
  • Space Monkies - 'Monkey' is pluralised as 'monkeys'.Although whatever they are, they just are.
4
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Images
The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
You need more. For this much content, you need more images. I'll grant, it's possible to have too many, but these are definitely spaced out that more would fit, and fitting tends to be the main issue. It was with Science fiction, at least... damn, that had a lot of images. Anyhow, you should definitely have a lead image, something for the introduction, anything from cover art to a zombie to a screenshot or photo of any of them, but something to set the scene and draw in the readers, as it's likely to be the first thing they see. A witty caption wouldn't go amiss, either, but that's less important. And ones for each section, perhaps multiple ones, for some. The characters, why are they all in one image? Each guy in his own might work better, as that way each can go with the appropriate subsection and illustrate it more effectively for the reader. Read about the guy, see an image, perhaps with some caption making another funny, perhaps with no caption at all, then move on to the next. When they're all blocked together like that, though, There's too much information, and have to match the names, for the connection in the caption that seems flimsy at best. Unless you're actually making them out as some Fabulous Four in the section, which you don't seem to be, there's not much point in keeping them together like that.

The captions aren't overly funny in general, though... they just say what the things are. This is fine for illustrating the sections, but why not say more? Don't just say it's the machine that it is, point out something about it demonstrated by the picture, or some such, you know?

Also, those photos of the iPhone or whatever that was that the guy uploaded to the CoD wiki for their article could be pretty funny here, if you could make them fit. They're terrible, and thus should be easy to mock - perhaps if you ever add something about the more technical aspects of the game, things besides what's in it and the gameplay itself - graphics, releases, versions, etc, it could go with that. A thought, that's all.

5
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Miscellaneous
Anything else... or not...
Eh, it's okay currently. I suppose this is my gut feeling or something.
25
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Final score
1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 04:15, 12 April 2011
Words, summary of review, and er... I mean, here's a review, what it says is up there, hope it helps, and feel free to stop by my talkpage if you have questions, complaints, or wish to request that I be banned.
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