Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Nazi Zombies
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- Since I got good info on Nazi Zombies, I'll do this review. Expect it to be done in about 24-34 hours or less.--- TALK What's it like to be a heretic? 18:19, February 26, 2011 (UTC)
You've been waiting a while for this to be reviewed, I've got it. --12:10, March 10, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||4||Right, first thing is that you shouldn't worry too much about the scores here, the advice is the crucial part. Virtually nobody just arrives on Uncyclopedia, writes a fantastic article that gets featured in 20 minutes and then goes back to having sex with girls, it just doesn't happen. You have a reasonable grasp of what you want to do with the article and I think you have the necessary ability to make this idea work, that said there are a couple of issues here. The first thing that struck me was to do with your concept, however it does have a significant bearing on your humour so I will include the main body of it here. After finishing your article I was still unsure of whether, in the context of your article, Nazi Zombies is simply a game or whether you are trying to present it as having a fictional storyline. My main issue is that it seems you are attempting to both present it as a game and also lend it a fictional storyline that it does not possess and by doing so you are ending up with an incoherent result at the end. My recommendation in this case is that you choose one or the other, either present it as it is in the game (if I were tackling it, I would approach it this way) or present it as different and possessed of a storyline beyond "turn on the power, kill zombies with the power". As I read your article I felt you have enormous potential whichever way you go with this one, the Nazi Zombies mode has been looked at a great deal as a result of its unexpected popularity and you can use this to guide some running jokes. For instance one of my favourite observations made about the mode is that you are constantly urged to "turn on the power" but never told exactly how to do that often resulting in players running headlong through levels, flinging open doors with crusader like zeal in their desperation to find the power, or alternatively searching the internet for the solution. You can approach this in so many ways, but a running joke would do your article wonders; in this case occasionally dropping a joke in about how difficult it is to find the power, or the lack of instruction. I'm not suggesting you be limited singularly to that as a joke, there are many other aspects of the game to look at. Try looking at articles like Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare and even Dragon Worrier to see the varying approaches used in many game articles.
Another issue I noted were the lists, it is very difficult to write an article on a game like Call of Duty without lists sneaking in at some point, just have a look through the articles we already have, the problem is that a list is only good for a quick laugh occasionally and even then has to use the correct tone and appeal to the reader's sense of humour. However when you are using lists to make up the body of the second half of your article it becomes an issue; the joke is in the theme of the list not the content and while you are not simply listing groups of people you should still avoid it. My recommendation would be that instead of listing the power-ups available you try saying something like "Since single player Nazi Zombies became an exercise in messy unseen Zombie death at around level 4, the game developers chose to include power up machines, so called because in order to use the things you must obey the game's constant nagging to "turn on the power" without explaining how exactly one accomplishes that." You could then move on and describe some humorous effects of the power-ups in a shorter list. My final piece of advice would be that you try to stick to real life truths where you, try to avoid suddenly introducing new ideas as you do at the conclusion of the article with the "Terrorist Zombies" section, this just seems random and out of context with the rest of the article, not because you have written it badly, but simply because terrorists are used in jokes on Uncyclopedia over and over and over again, if terrorists are involved in what you are writing about fair enough, but otherwise I would strongly recommend you steer clear.
I realise this is a very long section and there is a lot here for you to think about but I would really urge you not to be discouraged, there is tremendous potential here and I honestly believe you have the ability to turn this into featured article material, but you need to work at it and think about what your humour is doing and why it is doing it. Remember that looking at HTBFANJS is not something to be ashamed of or embarrassed about, it is a fantastic guide to writing competently on Uncyclopedia and you will find clarification and guidance on many points I have raised here.
|Concept:||5||I have already mentioned some aspects of your concept so I won't say any more about those. The only advice I have for you here is with regard to the tone you use to approach the article, you appear to be writing with the encyclopaedic tone, essentially presenting the article in a factual manner as you would were you writing on Wikipedia. The part to be careful of here is letting expressions like "umm" or "I digress" enter your speech, when they do it undermines the professional tone you are using for the article, take a look at an article like this one which manages to maintain the tone throughout whilst writing about a subject that doesn't lend itself to it. Take a look at that article and try and emulate the style in your work, feel free to ask if you are struggling to implement this suggestion.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||Not bad in terms of spelling and grammar which you seem to have a pretty firm grasp of, there are a couple of minor errors but nothing that I feel it necessary to moan about here. The thing to focus on here are your images, they are too small where they are and there aren't enough of them. Images are useful for livening up sections where there is a lot of prose so I would suggest adding at least another two and making the existing ones a bit larger. Otherwise not too bad here.|
|Images:||4||As I mentioned above you need a couple more images, those should be easy enough to find using either google images or trawling through some of our other Call of Duty articles and stealing images from there. My only advice here is that you try and link your images to your text, something you are doing pretty well at the moment. Also spend some time on your image captions they are just about as important as the images themselves, make sure any changes you make to the tone are also reflected by your captions. So just more images and some careful selection and captioning required here.|
|Miscellaneous:||5||My overall grade of the article.|
|Final Score:||24||A bit of a mixed bag here, you have the ability to make this brilliant all you need to do now is put in the work. Try to bear in mind what I have said about your humour but do remember that this is just my opinion and others do exist, however you interpret my criticism try to make use of HTBFANJS to guide you in what will go down well with regular users and what will not, do that, add a couple more images in here, trim the lists down and you will be well on your way to making this excellent. If you have any questions or comments regarding this review then you are welcome to leave them on my talk page. Good luck making any changes.|
|Reviewer:||--13:12, March 10, 2011 (UTC)|