Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/My Lie

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Revision as of 12:35, October 21, 2009 by ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs)

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edit My Lie

Not my lie, their lie. And a grody lie it is! A bit worse than Clinton's nob-job fib.

Funnybony 17:32, October 17, 2009 (UTC)

I've got this one. 24 hours. --ChiefjusticeDS 07:41, October 21, 2009 (UTC)

Humour: 5 OK, your humour isn't too bad but if this article is going to meet with much success then you need to consider a couple of things. especially for this particular type of article. The first is the aspect of parody, the idea of parodying a particularly shameful point in human history is fine but you have to bear certain things in mind. The first of these is that you can't make the parody article too close to the actual events, I doubt anyone is doubled over with laughter when they read about the Mai Lai massacre, so you should try to emphasise the idea of parody a bit more than you are, as I read through the article I found myself feeling uneasy at certain points. Read through the article again for yourself and you will notice that this happens a couple of times, you should work on these parts. A good idea to emphasise the idea of parody but to still make the point is to expand the idea of referring to the people as baskets, try to keep this consistent. Also, try to avoid these long lists of quotes and prose, and try to parody the wikipedia article a bit more, use the infobox they use and, instead of grouping the quotes altogether so we can sit and read through them all at once, try putting one at the start of each paragraph. Also try to be less random in a couple of the paragraphs stick to making fun of real life events, the Ku Klux Klan part is particularly notable, it doesn't need to be there, you can talk more about the actual events surrounding Calley's sentence and imprisonment. Also try to make some more of the actions of the men who attempted to stop the massacre, simply because your article is short and a parody of the events should take them into account. I like the idea of using the BBC report, but again it is one of those uneasy moments, try to expand the idea that I mentioned earlier. If you are unsure of anything like the randomness then take a look at HTBFANJS which can offer guidance.
Concept: 7 A difficult one to score on the basis of it's concept. I think that the way you have decided to pull the concept off is good and does enough to make the article readable, though I should probably point out that some people will not find this amusing at all. Back on your concept you need to make sure that it stays a parody and that you cut down on the points where it strays away from that. As for your tone, you stray a couple of times in the article and should ensure that opinions are kept out of the article if you are using the encyclopaedic tone, just try to ape the style of wikipedia, you can try and change the style if you want, as I think the article could work well in that form, but this tone works equally well.
Prose and formatting: 7 Similar to a lot of your others, just try to clamp down on your spelling and grammar as you do lose it occasionally. Remember that UN:PS is there to help and can give your article a final check to make sure any remaining errors are mopped up. Otherwise your formatting is OK. What I would suggest that you do with the images is implement the infobox idea that Wikipedia is using and make the first picture a bit smaller. Also, move the Wikipedia template so that the image isn't sitting directly on top of it. It is my view that the article would look better if you added another image, ideally one should always be visible when you read through the article.
Images: 7 As I said above, the current images are fine and I think the caption on the first one is excellent. My complaints are that the captioning on the second one doesn't fit the encyclopaedic tone you are going for as it is presenting an opinion, regardless how correct that opinion may be, if you want to use those words for the caption then try to make them sound more factual than they do currently. Otherwise refer to my comments above.
Miscellaneous: 7 My overall grade of the article.
Final Score: 33 You have a well constructed article here that suffers more from it's subject matter than your writing. Unfortunately you will have to put up with that, you have the potential to improve this, just bear my suggestions in mind and work carefully with the wikipedia article and HTBFANJS if you are unsure. If you have any questions or comments then you can find me on my talk page. Good luck making any changes.
Reviewer: --ChiefjusticeDS 12:35, October 21, 2009 (UTC)
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