Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Mousehunt the 2nd

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edit The New Improved Mousehunt

This is the second time I've submitted this article. Hope you like it. The not obvious tag is there for a reason. If you haven't been playing this game before or don't understand the concept, I highly recommend getting on facebook, searching it up and playing for a couple of turns before reviewing. Then while you write the review keep playing because its awesome fun.
Evil Jim123 07:52, September 6, 2010 (UTC)

Peregrine-falcon This Falcon will no hesitate to peck out your eyes if you review this article. That is probably because PeregrineFalcon999 has booked it. You have been warned.

As I reviewed this the first time, and told you to put it up again, I'm not sure if I should review it a second time. It just doesn't feel... proper, I suppose. However, I've taken a shot at it and have some good tips (or so I think). If you want some one else's opinion then just say so.--Some_idiot.png 05:33, September 7, 2010 (UTC)

Oh, stuff it. I've reviewed it - I might as well save it. Here you go...--Some_idiot.png 08:23, September 7, 2010 (UTC)

Humour: 5 Before I start, you may see that the humor score actually hasn't improved from my score fro the first review of this. Don't take that the wrong way. I still feel this is the level of humor here, it's just the improvements you have made to it have opened up some good chance to get good humor in. Your article is definitely better then before. You have a bit more variety in here, and it’s not so long. Because I won’t be making comments that will affect the article like in my last review, I will be able to go into a bit more detail here. I will pick out everything that needs improving, and really try to give you some comments that will help you finish off this article and put it to it’s highest quality. That starts with going through your article, section by section. Each title gets a dot point. Let’s go…
  • Intro: Good quotes, but there are few things that have to be fixed up in the intro itself. You may want to go into the fact that it is a FaceBook game, which could get some quality gold, if you compare it to other FaceBook games, or comment on how FaceBook made people more connected, but then game like this completely ruined that. You also say a lot of things in past tense (i.e. 'involved' should be 'involves'), so that can be fixed. Other then those things it is pretty good.
  • History of the Game: Not very interesting. You have some solid ground to build up some great humor, but the structure here has ruined it. You haven't taken the best approach. Try and think about more how the game was first made, and twist it so it is funny. There is also definitely more space to add humor in this section, and it starts to drag at points.
  • Regions: I know how to improve the humor here - you should talk about these places as if they are real places. Making it more realistic like this will give you some good space to put in some quality LOL moments. It's harder to get funny stuff out of just describing stuff from a computer game. Otherwise these parts are pretty decent.
  • Traps: To juice out the most humor here, you will need to play on the wackiness of the traps, and their names. You have to make up the funniest things you can with the concepts of these traps, without going completely crazy and unbelievable things.

There are a few more things I would like to say here.

For every title you have in the 'Regions' section of the article, you should have at least a short paragraph briefly explaining what the region is. You should even have a small introduction before you list the places, and talk about how there are so many places in Mousehunt, most them unavailable to a noob, etc...

I know Mousehunt takes donations, in return for special cheese, just like all Facebook games. This is a good concept to work some humor out, if you portray it as a stupid thing.

I'd love you to talk about the mice themselves. I know there are heaps and heaps of them, so I'm not asking you to list them. You just need a paragraph basically just talking about the mice in general - how many there are, what some examples are, which are available at first, the hardest mice to catch, etc... The mice are the most interesting part of the game, so you should really go into them.

I don't like these HowTos throughout the article. Sure, they add a bit of variation besides the usual description of a location, but don't fit in and aren't particularly funny. They are also long and don't look very good. I suppose maybe one well-written, short one might be good somewhere, but I recommend you delete most of these or at least shorten and improve them humor-wise.

I know last time I reviewed this I said you should add some different types of humor. You didn't quite know how to do that, so it was hard. I'll say it again - it would be better to add some more types of humor in here. I know you like this game, so you should definitely try to just let go - really dig in for those stupid, unbelievable or just plain dumb things in the game - and use these to your advantage. Abuse the game lightly in places, adding sharp comments here and there to do that. Try and put in more then just facts.

The main point I want to talk about here is the amount of humor in your article. You’ve got heaps of content here to work on, but I feel if you’re holding back on gags. You try to make some mildly funny things here and there, but mostly, there is not a sufficient amount of humor here. As I have already said, it is pretty much only facts. At the moment, you are a basically just writing a Wikipedia article in a different kind of style. So, what I’m saying is that you really have to juice out as much humor here as you can. You always have to give the reader a chance to breathe between funny parts, but you haven’t put as much humor into your content as you could of.

So that probably sums up your articles humor: there’s not enough of it. You’ve got some good ideas but haven’t used them in the most humorous way you could.

Concept: 6 Good concept. You have definitely juiced out more of the concept then from the time of my first review. The only problem is your ideas that you have brought on haven’t been used to their humorous potential, as I just said. You’ve got some great material to work with here.
Prose and formatting: 6 Your style of prose is nothing special. However, there are no problems with it so I can’t put you down for that subject.

One the subject of formatting, however, your article still needs a bit of work. Before my first review your article looked dull. You’ve changed that up by shortening it, making paragraphs different lengths and adding a lot more pictures. Which is where we come to the main problem here. Your images and templates are unevenly spaced (although your bottom section, with the different types of traps, is pretty neat and looks good). Unevenly spaced images like you have look very bad. My advice?

First of all, take away your contents with __NOTOC__. I know I told you to move it to the left in my previous review, but it still looks bad. So take it away. Then take away all your image codes ([[image.jpg|right|thumb|Caption]]), copying them to another page or on a Microsoft Word document. Then preview your article, and take a look at your article with no pictures. Now you have the freedom to drag your images back onto the article and spread them out properly. Try and get some on the left, some on the right, and try and get relatively even spaces between them.

Images: 5 Your images need better captions. Period. Good captions may take a bit of work, but with a bit of time you CAN find a good caption, just as long as you have relative picture. Captions will get heaps of laughs so spend some time on getting some good ones.

Oh, and image captions still need a full stop on the end!

Miscellaneous: 5 Lowering your overall score to my needs.
Final Score: 27 So, 27. It has definitely improved since my last review. But what I have said in this review is almost just as important. If you follow my advice as well as you can I know for certain that this article will turn to be a very strong piece of Uncyclopedia content. The only thing I really see missing is enough attempt at humor. Just mentioning the annoying things in the game isn't going to be enough to truly get the laughs you are aiming for.

In reply to your comment on my talk age on why you would like to get this featured - well, it make take a lot of work. Certainly, if you follow my advice well your article's quality will improve, but it also takes a great writer to get a featured article, But if you try your best - anything can happen! I hope I have helped here!

Reviewer: --Some_idiot.png 08:23, September 7, 2010 (UTC)
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