Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Minitrue

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edit Minitrue

I think it's ready but would like to know how funny it is and what improvements should be made. Anton (talk) Uncyclopedia United 19:25, April 16, 2014 (UTC)

I'll look at this one over the next couple of days. --Chiefjustice32X 18:04, April 21, 2014 (UTC)
Humour: 7 Hello! I am very pleased to have the opportunity to review this one, having watched keenly as you finished it off. I have always enjoyed the veiled, and slightly more obvious references to 1984 on Uncyclopedia. Your article has me in two minds, I like the idea and bits of the way you carry it off, but I think that there is more material to be used here and more of the concept for your use.

The first thing I noted after I had read through your article was the speed that it ends, it seems that we're only just starting to discuss what Oceania is when the article ends and it surprised me. I'd normally try to mention something other than the ending first of all but it just strikes me as very out of step with where the article was. I appreciate that 1984 does transition very abruptly itself and abruptness is a staple of the society in the novel but there is a bit more in the way of explanation. For me the ending feels as though it is rushed in when there are so many more ideas that you could use as well as seeming a bit inconsistent with what is mentioned thus far in the article. One moment you're mentioning Big Brother and the next the article finishes. I think this could be built towards a bit more, perhaps transitioning into more of a running joke. What I mean by this is that you should try to build up the crimes that the reader has committed against the party, with the narrator occasionally dropping hints about it. I liked the part where you mention Emmanuel Goldstein, the way it just happens and is then quickly dismissed, you could expand this to happen a few more times in the article, perhaps not simply relating to Goldstein but other aspects of the society. Something like:

"We're at war with Eastasia, we've always been at war with them. It's only a small war, but it does mean that we occasionally have to arrest collaborators and spies and shoot them in Victory Square... Incidentally, have you ever visited Eastasia? I hear it's lovely. No? Just wondering."

In this way you can build up the idea that the narrator is desperate to arrest the reader for anything, so that when he does call the guards at the end it at least seems to be as a result of something as opposed to simply being that time of the day. You may also wish to include a few more of the principles of INGSOC mentioned in the novel in the article, this will provide something more to those who have read the novel and can even provide you with more opportunities for jokes, for instance you could speak about Doublethink and say:

"Remember earlier when I told you about our war with Eurasia? Yes, Eurasia, we've always been at war with them. That's how doublethink works! Here in Oceania we are superior because we can hold two contradictory view points at one time, which is of course, entirely untrue. Confused? Not to worry, perhaps some news about the war with Eastasia will cheer you up? We've always been at war with them you know."

While the above may not be the type of thing you are after I hope it demonstrates my point effectively. There are lots of opportunities here, especially if you are writing the article as though it is for a visitor to the Ministry of Truth. I'd suggest expanding a little more there is much more in the universe of 1984 that you can pick up upon and mention, even if it is in passing.

My general feeling about the article is that it is fine, but that it could be better, the sections feel a little disjointed and I'd suggest you might be best served to try and construct a journey for the reader. Perhaps look at introducing the article differently so that it is clearer to the reader what their place is in the universe and who it is who is speaking to them. Perhaps consider the way that the government in the books refer to citizens. Consider what people will want from your article, it is unlikely people will read it without being aware of the books and it is likely that people will want to read a satire of that world so consider drawing the reader in a bit more, something like:

"SMITH!!! 7682325 SMITH! Hands out of pockets in the Ministry hallways! Ahem. Welcome to the Ministry of Truth future thought criminal my name is... well that need not concern you. The party has decreed that I am responsible for integrating proles like you into Oceanic society where ignorance is strength, and I must say it has been a while since I met someone quite as strong as you..."

Again, the above is more to demonstrate my point to you, as you are speaking out to the reader you might be better served to draw them into the article a little bit more. Your humour is by no means bad, but I think that it could do with polishing and it could do with expansion. This is such an excellent topic and it provides many opportunities for jokes and I would encourage you to incorporate some more of these opportunities into the article. The parts of this article that are done well are done very well; the jovial tone of the narration and the quick throwaway explanations are good touches but I think you could go further and see what else you can apply them to.

Concept: 7 There's very little wrong with the concept of the article. As I mentioned above I really like the idea and I think it has a great deal of, thus far, untapped potential. My only comment about your tone is that you should consider the tone of your narrator as the article goes on, he remains fairly upbeat and cheerful throughout and while I think this is an excellent way to start with the article I think this upbeat tone was one of the things that made the ending so jarring. I'm not telling you to make the tone angry or serious at the end as I think that would make it very hard for you to be funny. Consider instead making the tone a bit more commanding towards the end or have the original narrator replaced entirely by a different less jovial persona who orders the reader be taken to the Ministry of Love. This is only a suggestion for something you could try to do, if you feel you can't make it work then by all means retain the current styling. Otherwise my main comments on this section have been folded into the humour section above.
Prose and formatting: 5
Pee review minitrue
Spelling and grammar is not really a problem here so I won't make it the basis of this seciton. The problem the article has is with its formatting. I like that you have tried to go beyond basic presentation of the article and have tried another way of presenting it but it isn't appearing particularly well in my browser (chrome). In the interests of science I have also opened the article in Firefox and Safari (but not IE because that's cruelty, not science) and similar issues continue there. See the image on the right to see what I mean. I don't know what skin you are using to edit the wiki, but it is certainly not showing up correctly on Vector. The issues persist at the bottom and the base of the article looks untidy. The article itself isn't formatted badly, but the general appearance of the article isn't particularly good.

Unfortunately, having only recently figured out how to align images on the other side of the page, I am not the best person to advise you as to how to fix it. However, if VFH is your eventual goal here this would most likely need to be sorted out for it to pass, especially if we were to do a reskin for it. PuppyOnTheRadio is infinitely better at making this sort of thing work properly and you might want to speak to him and see if he can suggest something for you to do here. Since the article is actually pretty good it would be a shame if it lost out on VFH for this.

Images: 6 The images themselves are OK, the main issue is that there aren't more of them. It is also unclear why you have used the same image twice, beyond the reference to Stalin (edit. I have now realised why you chose to do this, perhaps make the images a bit bigger so the missing person is more obvious. I'm also a bit thick!). If you do expand the article I think more images will come naturally but even if the article stayed the same size I'd consider losing one of the Stalin images and perhaps adding one to the bottom section about the Ministry of Love or perhaps one to the start of the article showing the Ministry of Truth. Remember, on Uncyclopedia as in food, the first bite is with the eye. I have no complaints about the images in of themselves, I'd just encourage you to add some more.
Miscellaneous: 7 My overall grade of the article.
Final Score: 32 I hope the fact that I like the article and that I adore the concept have come across properly in this review, even after doing 200 I have a tendency to focus on the negative as opposed to the positive. I think your humour is good and the jokes that exist within the article at present aren't bad at all. The ending and its abruptness are what I don't like so much, the fact that the article ends just as I was getting into it probably doesn't help that much. Consider my suggestions for making the article longer, this is a diverse universe you've chosen to set this article within and I'd love to see that recognised within the text. The formatting here should be fairly high priority as well, I'm sure POTR or anybody else won't mind you asking for some help or some prompts to improve it. If you have any questions or comments for me then please feel free to put them on my talk page. Best of luck making your changes.
Reviewer: --Chiefjustice32X 11:02, April 23, 2014 (UTC)
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