Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Middler Bowling
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Alrighty, this is only my third article, and I still haven't figured out pictures, but I feel that all in all I am improving greatly. This particular article is, like I said in the article, almost entirely fact, which normally automatically makes it un-funny, but...well I'll let you be the judge of that.
|A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article|
is being reviewed by:
UU - natter
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead).
(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole).
|Humour:||2||Uhh, I really hate to discourage someone starting out with a low score, but on the other hand, I don't want to mislead you. This isn't funny, I'm afraid, and there's no way I can sugar-coat that. There are a few reasons for this, so let's take a quick look:
1. It feels cliquey. Right away, we're in a miniscule town, and referring to the local school. Most readers will have clicked on the random page button by this point - it feels like it's going to be random schoolcruft that only those who attend the place will get, and you've lost most readers.
2. The writing is confused. To me, there are jumps of logic in here - it feels like you're skipping explanation and entire sentences to get to the point you want to make. Problem is, what's in your head doesn't get translated when you do that. It took me 3 reads to properly understand that you're talking about one person launching themselves into a crowd of others in bowling stylee. That's kind of an amusing idea, I guess, but it almost gets lost. You need to change your approach a little here. Explain the essence of the thing right at the start, then explain how it came about. Forget the facts - we're not interested in those here, just concentrate on teasing any funny moments you can find out of it.
3. There's not much to it. Yup, it's short. You can stretch out here - explain it properly and enjoy yourself while doing so. Possibly add more ideas, such as bonus point scoring, fictitious legendary players or incidents, plans for expansion, leagues, legendary plays... That's off the top of my head, I'm sure there are better ideas, but hopefully you get the picture. Expand what you have so it makes more sense, and add more.
There are 3 more reasons, and they correspond to the other 3 boxes, so let's go there, shall we?
|Concept:||3||As I said above, the idea itself is kind of amusing, but you don't really expand on it at all. It sounds like your aim is to explain how it came to be, and the explanation of what it is is almost an afterthought. The preamble, though, is the problem - as I said, it comes across as vanity about your school, and will put people off. The bit that has the most potential - the actual bowling - is all but overlooked. You need to change this. Strong articles come from a strong concept, and knowing which the funniest aspects of it are. So have more of a think about how this idea could make people laugh, and think less about facts.
(That doesn't mean make it random, by the way, discarding facts doesn't mean introducing space-llamas, laser beams, Chuck fuckin' Norris and the like, it just means not worrying about sticking to the straight and narrow. A good read of HTBFANJS will explain it better than I can here).
|Prose and formatting:||5||Hmm, well I've already covered my main problem with this above - it feels like it's missing bits all over the place. But there are typos ("prodogy"? "pressent"?) too may red links, and it feels a little sparse. Adding more content will help, as will the next section. But to be positive, there are no real problems with the formatting, and I've seen far worse, so you get an average mark here.|
|Images:||0||There are no images. This doesn't help your article look inviting, and it helps it look short and uninteresting. So add some. It should be easy to dig up a bowling picture and add a caption about imagining replacing the ball with a kid, then the pins with other kids, and so forth. That would be the bare minimum you could do, but it would be a start. Image request is around - see if anyone there can knock up something more appropriate, or spend some time on Google image search, Flickr or any other image searches, see what you can find. But add pics.|
|Miscellaneous:||2.5||Averaged, as per always when I have nothing else to say here.|
|Final Score:||12.5||Oh dear, that's not a good score, is it? I really do hate to say it, but this does need a lot of work. But, I have given plenty of advice on how to do that, and I'd hope that if you follow at least some of it, you'll make significant improvements. Remember: concentrate on what's funny about it, and make sure you write it in a way that people who aren't familiar with the concept (like me) would have no trouble following. If you want me to have another look at any point to see if it flows better, just give me a shout on my talk page.
Finally, on a more positive note: like the username - one of the better ones I've seen in a little while!
Finally finally, remember: this in only my opinion, others are always available. And good luck!
|Reviewer:||--UU - natter 22:46, Nov 23|