Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Microsoft (resubmit)
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I want a pee.Please review,it's only the trial version. --LOLsupreme
So you want one of us to pee on something unfinished AND made by about 16 people? All righty, then. [15:36, 29 July 2008 (UTC)]This isCancelled. Reached Next-Day Quota Larry King'sDJ Jasper's signature.
I liked it! However the images cramp things up a bit. You could cut a few, resize them or consider putting them into a table or something.
“The opposite of Microsoft is working”
I like this quote but can't help thinking something stronger than 'working' might be better.
|This article is under review by|
Sayeth Gerry: shotgun!!
your introduction is very cluttered, with a bunch of quotes, a giant image, a template, a message, a command...you should clean it up. things like the fatal errors template are pretty unnecessary. the content of your intro itself is sort of random and doesnt particularly pull the reader in. take a look at some featured articles and see how their introductions make you want to keep reading them; then try to make your article like that. you should also establish your theme in the intro, whether you will praise the glorious microsoft machine or subtly knock it or whatever.
not very funny. resorting to calling microsoft 'microshit' seems petty and immature. here you basically just say 'microsoft sucks and linux is cool.' you can say that, but get you message across in a subtler way.
you basically just say over and over that windows has bugs, but not in very funny ways. it could be a lot more funny if you make the delivery more clever. also, the nostradamus thing has been overdone a little.
basically a bunch of images. the command line one is so small it can't be read. the other ones are just real errors or photoshopped errors. the photoshopped ones can be good, but not a ton of them. there is already Windows Error, maybe just start the section with "Main Article: Windows Error" and have one or two of the more clever errors displayed.
a lot of random humor in here. a list section of one-liners doesn't go over well. try sticking with a few of the more well-known versions and describing them in more detail. the bit about sending bill gates nice messages was good.
this section is really confusing, but it's ok overall. the stuff about drawing mustaches is good, with stuff thrown in that you would never be able to do in paint. take that direction and run with it.
not a bad section, but try to make it less listish. turn it into a paragraph and add some stuff and it's a winner.
this section isn't good, you can probably get rid of it altogether.
again, this is random and doesn't fit with the rest of the article, so you can probably drop it.
okay, but you tend towards random stuff. take out stuff like microsoft headquarters being in hell, but keep up with stuff like the perks.
yet again, this is a list with no real value, and you should think about hacking it out.
|Concept:||6||5/5 points for a well-known subject worthy of parody.
1/5 points for execution. to make this a great article, you need a great theme. is windows a bunch of bumbling idiots? are terrible operating systems just a decoy to distract from their global domination plans? is bill gates a nerdy loner or does he sit on the beach with supermodals all day?
|Prose and formatting:||4||the prose and formatting in this article are pretty horrible; it has all the characteristics of many IP contributors. things like sections don't need two additional titles, like the RSoD section. work on cleaning up in general and making the article less cluttered; alternatively, ask someone else to do it for you.|
|Images:||3||you have a ton of images; wayyyy too many for the article. trim a lot out, and add the clever error ones to the other article i already mentioned. the vista image with the dog is hilarious, i think you should put that at the top. other than that, have about an image per section.|
|Final Score:||20.8||i see your final score is 20.8. this article needs a lot of work; you basically have to come up with some kind of idea, or angle, and run with it. make all the sections reference this idea. trim some images out. delete the general unfunniness; nobody will miss it. i recommend reading HTBFANJS just before editing your article; it helps you see new directions or jokes. i'm confident that you can improve this article into a decent uncyclopedia entry, it'll just take time and careful guarding from unfunny IPs.|
|Reviewer:||17:55, 19 August 2008 (UTC)|