Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Michael Biehn

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edit Michael Biehn

Matfen 18:00, December 2, 2009 (UTC)

I'll review this within 24 hours. Assuming I don't get high pressure nervous syndrome and just think I reviewed it. WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 21:56, December 18, 2009 (UTC)
Ah crap, how did I miss this one? Thanks for picking it up Why? My apologies for not doing it myself earlier Matfen. --ChiefjusticeDS 22:02, December 18, 2009 (UTC)
Introduction to your reviewer

Why is this dude reviewing my article? Because it hadn't been done yet, that's why. I'm not an expert on Michael Biehn, but have seen several of his movies (I'm a James Cameron fan). But I don't know all his work, so may be missing some of the jokes.

I do think this article has some good parts, but could use a lot of work, which I'll talk about below.

Concept: 3 Personally, I think this is the source for most of the problems I found in this article, and can be fixed. I don't see a clear concept here--is this article about Quantum Leap, or a military hero, or a movie star, or a screenwriter, or what? Also much of this doesn't closely tie in with Michael Biehn. As a general rule, if you could write the same thing about anyone else, then don't use it. I think if you develop a clear concept of what you want it to be--and tie it closely to the article's subject Biehn, it could be much better.
Prose and Formatting: 7 I put Humour comments in with P & F so I don't repeat myself unnecessarily, but do score them separately.

The prose for this article is getting the highest score--I think in some places the writing is good, and in many places I think the writing style is good. Much of this can be fixed with a clearer concept.

Your intro

I'm curious why you chose to relate Michael Biehn to Quantum Leap (I'm assuming that's where the "forced to leap into different people's bodies throughout various eras of time" bit came from.) Was Biehn connected with Quantum Leap? I think your intro's otherwise fine, though, and lets me know to expect a QL takeoff.

Early life

"post-apocalyptic" and "killing aliens" are two very different concepts. Yes, I know they relate to movies he was in, but I think these concepts ought to be brought together in your article. Also I don't get his mom as a drunken housewife part, and don't find the terrorist bit funny.

Colonial Marines

Again, this could use a clear connection to the rest of the article. Now he's being taught to torch hostile villages. Are these post-apocalyptic, or alien? I really don't get this section, especially the Pepsi-Cola constellation wars--did Biehn do Pepsi commercials or is there another connection (there may well be one I don't know about). Is saving Private Bush a reference to Saving Private Ryan, or a movie or TV show Biehn did? And how does this tie in the post apocalypse and space alien invasions?

Project AVATAR

Here we seem to be back to Quantum Leap, which as far as I know Biehn wasn't involved in. Humour almost always works better if it ties directly to what it's about (or sometimes an exact opposite). Unless there's a tie-in here, this seems random--any actor could be forced into a Quantum Leap takeoff. I do think it works that James Cameron is behind the project--that's a good tie-in.
You could use the QL thing to get Biehn into the different roles Biehn played, primarily well-known roles. But did he ever play Moses? Was he a court jester?
And some of the references are extremely obscure--how many people will know he appeared in an uncredited role in Grease (I saw the movie Grease and have seen several of Biehn's films, but I only knew there was a connection because I just looked it up). Remember that most of the readers of this article will not be up on Biehn trivia; ideally, an Uncyclopedia article should be funny or at least amusing to people who know very little about the subject.
Similar questions as above. I can see the sheriff-zombie connection if you're referring to Thanksgiving, which was a fake movie trailer in Grindhouse, or does that refer to something else? But it fits Planet Terror (which I'm sure you know was part of Grindhouse), so that works fine.
Some of the rest I can see a connection, but on many I can't--was he involved in the Indiana Jones movies? Also this is rather listy. Sometimes lists can work (David Letterman's daily Top Ten list is a classic), but generally only if the parts of the list are short and closely tied together. This list seems rather random.
Even when it does fit, I'm not sure it works real well. For example, "A Southern Gambler, Drinker, and Gunslinger in the Wild West who must survive with Wyatt Earp and his brothers, and face off against a gang of criminals, while also dealing with his Tuberculosis." I know he was in Tombstone, but the events described applied to a different character. If the article had things about his character Johnny Ringo, it might work better. But looking at that bit about Tombstone--even if this were describing Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday, this could be straight from Wikipedia, and lacks humour.

The Kyle Reese Incident

Here the article talks about a well-known character that was played by Michael Biehn--good. I think the idea of him having no idea what to do, in spite of machines trying to exterminate humanity, works (although I didn't get the "Chinese Farmer in the 17th Century" reference). "...picture of Connor's mother, Sarah; for sentimental values or some bullshit...."--there are a few places in the article, including this one, where it jumps from the encyclopedic feel to off-the-cuff commentary such as "or some bullshit." The inconsistency I found a little jarring. Same thing with "anyway, in some kind of sick way that only Freud would approve of...." Also I don't get "...Biehn couldn't remember when he had leaped into my body and wrote this sentence, having been sent to fix this article's karmically imbalanced gramarrrrrr...." For one thing, "gramarrrrrr I find a bit too over the top, and also it implies that Biehn is writing this article--if he is, then I would expect to see hints of that throughout.
"Biehn volunteered himself to be sent back to protect her."--here's another sudden change in the tone of the article. Now Biehn is no longer hopping from body to body without any concious control, but is purposely volunteering to get sent somewhere. This doesn't seem consistent. The article does somewhat bring it back with "jumped through the portal in Kyle Reese's body" though.
"Freaked out, he pulled out his shotgun and tried to blast away what looked like the bouncer."--this seems to come out of nowhere. Has the article established that, when flustered, he kills people? It seems late in the article to introduce a major concept. Then he becomes one of the Duke brothers--was he in the TV show or the movie?
This section does have the advantage that it largely deals with something connected to Biehn, and I found the reference to not buying condoms amusing, although someone would need to know The Terminator movie to fully get the reference, but I think that's OK. But I do think it needs some indication that the woman got pregnant. And being the father of the person who sent him to meet the mother is something I think you could get a joke or two out of.


"This only pissed off Biehn, so he punched God in the face....Chuck Norris...."--Chuck Norris references are rampant on Uncyclopedia, but rarely funny, nor did I find the punching-out-God part funny.
"...he turned to acting and wrote entire screenplays...."--I can see the article is trying to connect the "real life" with the movies, but as Biehn didn't write the screenplays it doesn't work for me.

Personal Life (Post-Reincarnation)

This looks like more randomness--was Biehn a teacher? Also from what I read he's been married twice and had four children--does it make it funny to say he's been married three times and had six?
Quotes--these are used in this format in many, many Uncyclopedia articles--but very few that get featured. I found the mother-in-law one somewhat amusing, but think the description could be shortened or made to fit the article better--does the article indicate his mother-in-laws didn't want to have grandchildren?

Legal Issues

Metal Gear Solid does have some connection to Biehn, which is good. Although quoting someone who's Japanese such as Hideo Kojima by mispelling l's with r's is humour that was starting to go out of style sometime around the 1960s. To me, it doesn't fit here.
Humo(u)r: 4 Again, to me the problem with humour is the concept. I think if the article had a clear concept to keep it in focus, then the humour could build on itself and you could have a much funnier article.
Images: 7 I think the photos are OK. I like the caption for the "no resemblance," although I think "Riggghhhhhtttttttt..." is more stretched out than it needs to be; a simple "No resemblance here. Right." would work better. I didn't get "So badass that he aims at people with his shotgun pointed the wrong way"--it doesn't look like he's shooting at anybody. I kind of like the captions for the Backstreet Boy and the take the bullet one. The Soviet Russia reversal is another overdone joke here, and I'd cut it. Children: Possibly anyone, including You!"--this doesn't go with the part that says he has six children.
Miscellaneous: 5.25 Average of above
Final Score: 26.25 Again, I see definite potential in this article. It needs a clear concept; after that, I think much of the rest can fall into place.
Reviewer: WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 02:27, December 19, 2009 (UTC)
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