Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Melty Blood

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edit Melty Blood

LCats 02:39, 13 May 2008 (UTC)

User:Orian57/peetemplate4

Don't be surprised if i don't get to this immediatly or if i do other pees in between this article. it's huge. and it'll definitly take me a while. Have Fun! MuCal. Orian57|Chat|Chuckle|PEE List|Awarded|UnBlog|Icons-flag-gbOrian57 09:42, 25 May 2008 (UTC)

Hey LCats! Just a quick note to say that I am still doing this. I'm just about half way through. So if you just hold on day or two more I should have this done for you. Apologise for it taking so long, have been distrcted by other stuff. Have Fun!MuCal. Orian57 Orian57Talk!Read!PEE!UnProvise!CMC! 20:53 2 June 2008
Humour: 2.84 I think I’ll do a Cajek here, by which I mean I shall break the article up and look at each section individually.

Introduction + Table: [6] It serves its purposes for introducing especially considering the obscurity of your article. The table was kinda meh but tables can rarely be made hilarious. Also you have a note at the top of the page saying “Note: This page is 43 kilometres long.”, though true is just out of place and not exactly an enticement to read an article. And I will mention now that the articles overall length is a huge problem but we’ll get to that later. It was also a good idea to have the link to the Wikipedia article.

Story: [4] It really wasn’t particularly funny and you dragged in in-jokes (things like kitten huffing and grues and Mr T) that made little sense here. And there were other things about it that were just too random. Loading a piece of writing from Wikipedia with Uncyclopedia in-jokes is never funny and there was very little humour here. But there was a few lines that made me smile.

Game play [6]: The bit about 4D meaning you can smell it too made me laugh; it was a reasonably original idea and delivered well. And you had an ok idea with the joke about guys buying it just for the girls in it [1] but there were un funny bits in that paragraph too that weren’t necessary, like the Tom Cruise reference and the bear line.

This bit though: "will inevitably find a piece of them get huffed, stuffed in a freezer, get its guts ripped out, eaten, spat back out, get fed to a bear and be covered with unusually sticky, white goo, breathe its last pathetic breaths and die, and then something else, born. " was just dull. And I’ll explain why. It was because it dragged on and went completely over the top with violence, it died really before it had taken off. You’d need to try something shorter (frequently less is more) like: “will inevitably find a piece of them ripped off and stuck in a freezer”

Character Roster [2]: seriously. Oscar Wilde? Leave the poor man alone for god’s sake. It’s not funny now if it ever was. And the line above this is kinda perfunctory, in other words unfunny. It’s probably best just to get rid of the words and just have the header, to keep the character titles as sub headings.

Shiki Tohno [3]: This section just seemed too jumbled and random. You had an ok idea with his anaemia allowing him to molest girls and make it look innocent but there wasn’t much else there that could be construed as humour.

I’ll say this now, I’m not too sure that this “in depth characters” thing is a good idea. It may be a better idea to have shorter pieces that make them sound like clichés and stereotypes.

Shiki Nanaya [2]: Astonishingly meh. Again with these in-jokes and randomness though I thought “Death by Starbucks” was quite a funny idea, but it was just one line.

Arcueid Brunestud [4]: still pretty dull, but you had some ok original ideas in there you just need to make your writing more coherent. As it stands it just random silly weirdness being thrown at the reader and doesn’t tie together very well. This is key to what is wrong with this whole article.

Akiha Tohno [1]: it was confusing more than anything. Some of the jokes were delivered too casually with no build up so the reader kinda misses them entirely. And the thing about her hair beams was oddly convincing (considering the context) and therefore not funny.

Ciel [3]: Again mostly confusing. The idea of her tossing her keys around and then ebing locked out was amusing but then you kinda cheapened the joke by randomly meeting Arnold Schwarzenegger. And the weird Lord of the Rings Gandalf reference just threw the reader off as it was too random.

Sion Eltnam Atlasia [1]: Weird. In-jokey. Random. It just wasn’t funny and it made no sense. You need to try and keep things at least coherent but originality is always a good thing.

Hisui + Kohaku [5]: A bit more like it. Nice use of repetition. I think this is kind of more what you should have for each of the characters. A quick, preferably funny, synopsis and then the weapon they use in the game or how they work in the game.

Nvrnqsr Chaos [3]: Well the thing about the breaking bread kinda made me smile it just didn’t seem very relevant. Then you went into this strange thing about the slaughter of 666 animals and him becoming them or something. Was too weird and unfunny.

Len [4]: I can see you tried to satirise black right here and that’s ok, if for the fact that subject is 50 years out of date and so felt kinda stale. And tehn you brought up kitten huffing wich made me groan in despair. I think you’ve now hit every in-joke there is and it’s really hurting the article.

Miyako Arima [2]: Like a lot of these characters so far it was just a little too random.

Kishima Kouma [2]: Again very strange and random. Made little sense.

Night of Warachia [2]: Again too random and nonsensical. (I am going to explain how to fix these characters in a minute ok.)

Blood is Thicker than Water [1]: This section was a little self conscious (" our team stopped by to the Character Designer's office ") and returned to kitten huffing, possibly making the “joke” even less funny than ever. You seem to be forgetting that Uncyclopedia is about funny misinformation than just plain misinformation.

<insert name here> ({{USERNAME}}) [3]: I can see your trying to be nice to the reader here but in all honesty they probably haven’t read this far. Also the Username tag is a little over used and rarely funny in articles (only really useful when you’re addressing the reader like in HowTo:Become Stupid in 21 days) I advise getting rid of this whole section.

Satsuki Yumizuka [4]: A bit better here with the contradictory character traits but you had in random Tom Cruise references. And lots of weirdness like with the other characters it just didn’t feel very well thought out or coherent.

Arihiko Inui [7]: I’m giving this a higher score as I’m guessing this guy is the main character and so giving him such a small paragraph and no pic and asking who he is, is pretty good satire. But if I’m wrong then that says nothing for the article and shows that it’s too obscure.

Aoko Aozaki [2]: Oh goody another Tom Cruise reference! And Hogwarts too! Seriously, random pop culture is rarely funny when it’s just thrown into things like this and eye beams was just stupid and unfunny. The line " she was disgusted at him for being 7 and still a virgin " I did find quite funny though. Also I have no idea why you kept striking through Xavier and replacing it with Atlas. That just went over my head.

Right. Ok. The character sections need a vast amount of improving to be acceptable. What I think you should do is give a brief synopsis of the character, preferably funny, and couple it with a funny picture of them. Then explain what their weapon is in the game or how they execute people you need to make this more about the game than the story as making it about the story closes it off to people. But do seriously get rid of the {{USERNAME}} tag.

Other versions and Similar Releases [5]: Does ok at introducing the new section but I’m not too sure about the random Allah reference, though you did make it work with the picture.

Melty Blood: Re-Ack! [2]: Too short and not enough content. I think you could probably do away with this entirely. If you insist on keeping it you need to add more, what really makes it different other than one dimension?

Melty Blood: Act Caramba [1]: Even shorter here and seems kinda pointless. Definitely get rid of this section and the picture.

Melty Blood: Act Caramba Ver. ∀ [2]: Just wasn’t funny with these random celebrity references.

Melty Blood: Not Again [1]: Mispronounced names like that and {{USERNAME}} just isn’t funny. I sugest getting rid of all these spin off games as they’re just stupid.

Unofficial Releases [5]: This little piece was ok quite funny in fact but I doubt its worth keeping if there is nothing under it as I don’t think the next sections are worth keeping.

Melty Man [1]: Unfunny quote (almost as bad as captain obvious), the rest wasn’t funny either (the Nickelodeon parody name wasn’t even creative) and raping Japanese school girls is just sick when there is no comical reason for it. Go to 4chan if you want to act out your lewd fantasies.

Melty Bread [2]: though I quite liked the quote about Mr T, It wasn’t enough to save it. Just get rid of it. It isn’t funny as a lot of this article and I don’t think it’s worth trying (unlike with the characters).

Soundtrack [2]: Lists are rarely funny and here it’s just unnecessary. I’d deleate these too.

Melty Facts [2]: As per Soundtrack.

Concept: 3 This is what is really killing the article. It’s just such an obscure thing, I know that it can be OK to have some things that are obscure but this is just too much so and there appears to be little in this for anyone not a fan of this animi (and even then). You need to bear in mind that the concept has to be accessible to most people. This is why I strongly suspect this is VFD material.
Prose and formatting: 4 You kept double spacing between paragraphs. Don’t do that. Just have the one space between paragraphs. Also you have two templates relating to spoilers, it’s probably best just to keep the one that says you have just read spoilers as it’s funnier mostly because the first one (though you did do an original one) goes over peoples heads until they’ve read the article or unless they already know the animi. Also the “you have just read spoilers” template should be under the spoilers shouldn’t it? It’s just you have it half way through the Ciel, character.

I don’t think that the template in the Sion Eltnam Atlasia section is really necessary as it kinda looks a bit too messy.

Also it’s clear that you sporked a lot of it from Wikipedia and then changed words and phrases trying to make it funny. This rarely works.

Things like triple negatives (“…gamers will find it hard not not to not enjoy the simplified fighting system…”) aren’t necessary. And in general your grammar was a little off, read through it and see if you can tidy that up a bit.

Also I really doubt the Japanese writing in brackets after things is adding to the article, it the sort of things people skip over when reading Wikipedia and it’s the sort of thing people find confusing and annoying on Uncyclopedia.

Images: 3 If I’ve counted right there are 30 images here in one article. That really is way too many (even considering the article size). Again I shall deal with this section by section.

Table [7]: The picture in the table was ok but if there is anyway you could think of making it funnier then do so.

Story [5]: Too many here, we need to cut some and I’d suggest the “surprise abortion” one as it was relevant only to a very random part of the article and was borderline sick as apposed to funny. Also the one of Shiki and the one under the abortion one I think should both go as they’re both kinda meh. Then when those are cleared up, right align the dancing bear and make the other one bigger. That should help it look nicer and be a bit clearer.

Game play [4]: didn’t really seem very relevant and weren’t particularly funny (the gif was just overly violent and couldn’t really be linked to oral sex). You’d need to find stuff more relevant to your topic and keep the images a little bigger so people can actually see them.

Shiki Tohno [3]: Not hilarious. The caption wasn’t very funny either and it was too small. I’m not sure I can think of a way to make this funnier as the text in this section wasn’t very funny either.

Shiki Nanaya [3]: I just thought it was too gross to be funny, much like to abortion pic from earlier the shock value isn’t what Uncyclopedia finds funny. And like most of your images it was too small anyway. But at least it was sorta relevant to the (unfunny) child eating thing.

Arcueid Brunestud [1]: They just weren’t funny or relevant. Also too small, especially for the first one, if you include manga/comic/cartoon stuff like that the reader must be able to read it.

Akiha Tohno [1]: completely untied to the article and unfunny. Though, unlike most of the other pictures, it seemed to be an ok size, not perfect, but better

Ciel [2]: The one with her drinking tea was not especially funny or even relevant. The one with peter Griffin in it was ok, even amusing but you didn’t explain it in the caption and it was a little too small.

Sion Eltnam Atlasia [1]: The round house kick one wasn’t funny because it was Chuck Norris. The other one should win a prise for irrelevancy.

Hisui + Kohaku [6]: Considering the context they were pretty good and sorta funny captions. Too small though.

Nvrnqsr Chaos [5]: Kinda funny by it’s self, a little weird but it was ok. Too small though.

Len [4]: Again kinda irrelevant and unfunny.

Miyako Arima [5]: The picture here was actually quite funny though it was too small and a little bit too random.

Kishima Kouma [3]: it was relevant, but not particularly amusing. Also too small.

Night of Warachia [1]: Unfunny, hard to see even when enlarged.

Blood is Thicker than Water [1]: Unfunny. Too small.

Satsuki Yumizuka [2]: the one with Michael Jackson was crap because it was Michael Jackson and it was zombies not vampires as well as being too small and random. The other one suffered in much the same way being too small and unfunny.

Aoko Aozaki [4]: At least relevant but unfunny.

Other versions and Similar Releases [7]: considering the text this was pretty funny, a little small though.

Melty Blood: Act Caramba [1]: As I said above, get rid.

Melty Man [1]: Unfunny. Get rid of it along with the text.

Melty Bread [1]: As per Melty Man

Miscellaneous: 3.21 (averaged) also you tried to link to Fall Out Boy which would be relevant if there was an article on fall out boy, you see it’s become a redirect to the CVP page, as FOB, while a great band, is a constantly badly produced article that is always vandalised, basically in future check where your links are linking to.

If you insist on keeping this article you need to keep it more on track about being "about" a 4D fighting game as you digressed into random stories about the characters that didn't add anything to the article.

Final Score: 16.05 As it is I strongly suspect this is VFD let me give you some advice for (re)writing another article. Read, I mean really read, HTBFANJS then why not try re-writing something. Usually things in the re-write category have a good concept behind them and are only in need of some humour, so it is a pretty good place to start. Also don’t forget to check some of the featured content.

I do hope you found this review to be aesthetically pleasing and grammatically satisfying and if you would like to thank/ask/insult me about anything please visit my talk page.

  1. I seriously don’t get how people can find cartoons attractive but that’s not the point.
Reviewer: Have Fun!MuCal. Orian57 Orian57Talk!Read!PEE!UnProvise!CMC! 04:02 3 June 2008
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