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Ozymandiaz 15:01, November 1, 2009 (UTC)
I'm in here. 24 hours. --ChiefjusticeDS 08:26, November 3, 2009 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||Your humour is reasonable, the article had enjoyable parts but there are still some aspects for you to work on. The first thing that I noticed is that you need to vary your humour a bit. Much of your humour is based around the idea that the narrator is a megalomaniac himself, while this is a good idea I think that there could be more to this than that. I would recommend, rather than just relying on that joke to provide the majority of the laughs, you try to use more throwaway jokes to link the sections together, you could also work on some of existing jokes. My main problem with the existing jokes is that they seem to be almost eclipsed by the aforementioned narrator joke, so that when they do occur they just seem to be tacked on. My advice for fixing that is to go back and first of all tone back the narrator joke, then try to make the article amusing without it, once you are happy without that joke, try to subtly intersperse it throughout the article again. This way you will have a method for making the article amusing in both ways. Another point on your humour is on all the stagnant jokes in your article, referencing Wilde and Chuck Norris is part of the Uncyclopedia fabric, but it has been done so often that now most people find themselves groaning when they read it in a new article, my advice here would be to come up with a different way to make any of these jokes or cut them out, as they do more harm than good.
The only other problem is the overuse of quotes, quotes are fine, but try to avoid including them too much as they are good for a laugh briefly and they don't make for an enjoyable reading experience when you reach the fifth one. I would also suggest that you expand the article further, I felt slightly disappointed to see it end so soon as there are lots more things you could do with this idea. However there were instances in the article where I had to read a section again because I was enjoying it too much to find criticism, so my advice would be to read through HTBFANJS and then focus on the issues I have suggested.
|Concept:||7||Your concept is fine and you have a reasonable idea for executing it, however it could use some more work. Your tone is the main problem here, you should try to decide between the encyclopaedic third person and the informal first person tone. Try to avoid saying things along this line "Darth Vader was a sith lord who used to be a jedi, idiot!" It sounds unprofessional and breaks the tone of the article. Try to decide on a tone beforehand and stick with it throughout the article. Here are some links that demonstrate the difference particularly aptly, this article is one of the best examples of using the informal first person on Uncyclopedia, while this one is an excellent example of the encyclopeadic tone. Take some time to read both of these and take careful note of the differences between them, then try to implement one in your article.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||Your prose are reasonable and your spelling and grammar is likewise. I see no real reason to recommend that you check out the the proofreading service though feel free to do so if you just hate proofreading your work. I would just recommend that you carefully proofread yourself after any edits to the article just to make sure that you get rid of any errors in the text. Otherwise the main problem is your formatting, try to avoid having all the images and templates in the article bunched together at one side one on top of the other, take some time to spread them out a bit, ideally you should have at least some white space between each image, and a brief point on placement, try to avoid placing images so you have one on either side of a block of text as it looks untidy and scruffy, you haven't done this, but this is just some guidance for if you decide to move them about. Your image to text ratio is fine and there is more on your images below.|
|Images:||8||Your images are OK, but I would recommend that you go back and reconsider. I think you can do much more with the Obama image, you can try to re caption it or you can replace it, I just think it can be much better than it is now. If you do decide to go for a new image be creative with it, try to find something that compliments your text well and is also funny on it's own. Your captioning is pretty good on the Darth Vader image so there is no need to change that, I would recommend you go back and reconsider the captioning on the Obama image, otherwise this aspect isn't too bad.|
|Miscellaneous:||7||My overall grade of the article.|
|Final Score:||34||This article has a lot of potential and I think can be a really solid article with a bit more work. All you need to do is carefully go back through and try to implement some changes as there are no major difficulties here, only relatively small ones, you may also want to consider expanding the article a bit. If you have any questions or comments feel free to leave them here. Good luck making any changes.|
|Reviewer:||--ChiefjusticeDS 10:48, November 3, 2009 (UTC)|
Thanks so much Chiefjustice. --Ozymandiaz 17:31, November 3, 2009 (UTC)
- No problem. --ChiefjusticeDS 17:47, November 3, 2009 (UTC)