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I REALLY want some good pointers on how to make this funny. No particular reason other than to hopefully take somebody else's shitty work and improve it so it gets VFH. You know, like I did with Boris Yeltsin. InMooseWeTrust 23:43, July 30, 2011 (UTC) Ok-- 18:33, August 15, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||5||This article has some amazing potential. First, a run down of what is funny and what isnt.
First sentence is cute. Second is a little strange, a greek philosopher wouldnt have been a land renter. Theres no reason he cant be a land owner. He probably should be. As for the GPA, thats cute, but there was no GPA back then and you can come up with a much more cretive way to say that such as "he recieved grades that would relieve dumb students and upset ambitious ones though grades that would suit anyone who walks the middle path in life" or something much funnier than that. The hyppocrite sentence should be rewritten as its a little awkward. In the following sentence, dont say outright that the other philosophers were hypocrites, give a few examples. Such as: While Plato insisted that the good was contemplating the good, he spent a rather large amount of time chasing after boys sprouting their first mustache. While Aristotle claimed that a balanced morality was the best, he was too busy teaching Alexander the Great how to murder all of Asia etc... I like the final sentence...though consider saying "embody rather than live".
Contributions: I wouldn't put in the original part. You may want to say creative instead. Replace sole idea with, only idea of note was. I wouldnt recommend using the word "fuck", you destroy the tone of the article that way. Consider: Careful meditations on the suitability of the status quo in various situations...or something like that. I would drop the pee review comment, I think that an article should be navelism (self referential to uncyclopedia) all the way, or not at all, though thats just me. Instead consider: It went on to be read by several third year students in some academies which left a mild impression on them before they went on to do different things in other places. Common denomenator is GREAT but consider dropping the sticked out word. Beaurocrat is good, but consider that he wouldnt have been a patron state as he was a greek pagan. Consider: He was later semi-deified as the half-god of procedural voting as well as filibustering in the senate (or something like that).
As for humour in general, the whole article should take on a very dry and uninstersting tone. In my opinion everything should be treated as though it is unimportant. Thats difficult to do and yet stay funny but there are enough examples of this in the article so far to prove that you can pull that off.
|Concept:||4||There isnt a concept here yet except, this guy was mediocre. This should be the single thought in your mind throughout as you expand the article. Consider adding a secondary theme though, possible: through his mediocrity it could easily be that he led a long and safe life, safer and longer than those who tried hard and won or failed and in the end he knew everyone in Athens and was invited to lots of okay parties and was never alone etc... By doing this subtly throughout the article, you can at one hand make fun of him for being nothing special, but also point out that in the long run he beats all the famous philosophers for having lived a nice long comfortable life. This can be done by contrasting him with plato, aristotles, the minor philosophers and the pre socrates. Other ideas to use or place the article, the olympics, the thratre competitions, war, his family, senate, parties, orgies, the gymnasium, Peleponesis and of course the Academies.
Keep in mind, in each sentence and section to make him seem as normal and mediochre as possible, but avoid making him seem sad or pathetic, there is a difference between mediocraty and failure. Think: common lowest denomenator, think, this is acceptable, think, this gets no reaction out of me. I would avoid putting any narrative or story in the article as well. Talk about his education, early adulthood, meeting his wife and having children, travels etc... but never in a progressive way. Each section should not give the idea of a life moveing anywhere in any significant way, but instead everything being uneventful and unconnected.
|Prose and formatting:||8||Im not a fan of that picture. There are all sorts of images available from the classical times. You also dont have to use pictures of people, you can use images of random uninteresting objects and with a clever caption make them fit into the article. The image you have for me doesnt fit because it takes me completely out of the context of an uninteresting greek philosopher and instead shows a hyped up music band on a unicycle...I just dont see the conection and it didnt make me laugh.|
|Images:||1||Everything here seems good, except I would avoid sticken text and fake links which will distract from the tone of the article.|
|Miscellaneous:||5||Its about a 5 now|
|Final Score:||23||Hopefully Ive given you enough ideas to get started. Im sure this will turn out awsome. Good luck and let me know if you want me to explain any of this further or give you any new ideas!|