I understand there's a shortage of things to pee on? ;-) 12:55, March 7, 2010 (UTC)
I'll get this one later today. --ChiefjusticePSX 09:24, March 8, 2010 (UTC)
OK, I quite liked the writing in this one, once I saw the premise I was fully prepared to see the whole thing nose dive into a huge unfunny mess, so I was pleasantly surprised to find that the writing was good. As far as the humour goes I thought it was good but the whole thing felt somewhat unfinished, and all the jokes seem to be crying out for something more. This isn't to say that I didn't find any of it humourous as I did enjoy parts of it, I just feel that some more work could infinitely improve the article's impact on the reader. As I said above, the very first thing that struck me about this one was that it feels incomplete; what I mean by this is that while the whole article is a good demonstration of a mafia-esque control of the fast food market by McDonalds, it feels more like one long unnecessary rant than anything else, and the fact that a lot of the article doesn't feel very necessary meant that I couldn't really buy into the idea of the article. Permit me to expand; the context that we are given at the start of the article is that the reader is being educated on the "real" McDonalds by Ronald McDonald himself whom the article seems to suggest is the leader of McDonalds. My concern was that the article provides no real reason for this long lecture that the reader is given and when the dialogue turns to getting the reader to carry out jobs such as sabotaging competitors for McDonalds my confusion only increased. This is not because you are failing to explain everything, indeed you realise the narrative's character very well, but simply because the article hasn't given me any reason for this talk, has the speaker just walked up to the reader in the street? Or is the reader already working for him in some way. Consider it this way, your jokes need to this context to be realised, it would have been far less effective if, in Star Wars, the Death Star had destroyed Alderaan in front of the Princess without telling us that it was her home planet. I hope that this is getting the point I am trying to make across. My suggestion would be to try and introduce a character for the reader, and then work their dialogue in around your existing one, the reader can provide various humour opportunities and gives the article a direction for all of its humour. For instance suggesting that the reader is essentially a no-hoper is fine, but would work much better if you suggest that the reader was cleaning toilets in a McDonalds when the article's narrative began. The ultimate point of all this is that a grounding in context will do your humour a world of good, a good example of the sort of thing you might be aiming at is this article your article has a similar narrative style and you may be able to get some indication of the best way to implement my beloved context if you take a quick look at the way the author of that article has his character interact with the reader.
The only other point that I have on your humour is that sometimes the narrative trips over itself. I like the joke heavy style coupled with the mafia-esque feel of the work but you should be careful that you don't try to do too many things at once. Just take a second look through and don't be afraid of slowing things down at times, especially if you want to perpetuate the idea that the narrative is threatening the reader. I would also be aware of unnecessary profanity, at some times it fits the character, and at other times it just feels like it has been added in, for want of a better way to express dissatisfaction, the character should swear but I much prefer the idea of him swearing only when he is being threatening or talking about people he hates. But I'm nitpicking now, the main problem, in my view, is the lack of context, take a second look at these things and then use your judgement to decide whether they should stay or go.
As I mentioned briefly above I was pleasantly surprised with the way you accomplished the writing in this one and you have made the concept work a lot better than I would have anticipated. Speaking of the concept my only gripe would be that you tend only to focus on the way that McDonald has dealt with competitors rather than the perks that make working for him desirable, you talk a lot about the reader working for him in the latter parts of the article yet you do not mention any incentives for this, perhaps if you demonstrated to the reader's character what they could gain by doing these things you would have a bit more weight behind these suggestions and the reader's character would seem far more likely to do the tasks that the narrative voice suggests.
Prose and formatting:
Your prose are generally pretty good, and your spelling and grammar is of a pretty good standard. Just remember to proofread any future edits to the article, if you can keep up your present practice this would be absolutely fine as it seems to be pretty good. One of my main gripes in this section is that your text isn't broken up very well, I grant you the paragraphs are pretty small but there no gaps within the sections. This lends itself to the idea that the text is one long rant rather than a proposition by a powerful figure. You may feel that I am overstating the importance of putting spaces in your text and I suppose you would be correct on that particular score, but you should consider breaking the blocks of text up, if only to make it a bit easier on the eye. The image formatting is pretty good, though the first image could be a bit smaller to prevent the bottom two sitting very close to each other. Take a second look and see what you think about this and revise accordingly.
Your images are excellent in of themselves and I wouldn't recommend that you change them. What I would suggest is that you tried to link them to the text a bit more and that you consider a caption for the first one. The images are currently working seperately from the text here and, while they give a more expansive view of the character the text is portraying I feel it would be better if they added to the text rather than simply complimenting it. This is a pretty minor problem and there are other aspects of your article that you should think about devoting the majority of your time to instead.
My overall grade of the article.
You have a decent article here and it has the potential to be far more than that, take a look at some of the things I have suggested and then see what your opinion is, if you like the article in its current form and think my suggestions would set it back don't implement them, the decision is ultimately yours. My view is that you will get some laughs from this, but there is scope for you to get many more if you ground it a bit more firmly in a context. If you have any questions or comments for me then feel free to leave them on my talk page. Good luck making any changes.