Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Mattress

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edit Mattress

Okay, so I randomly decided to rewrite this. The original wasn't terrible, It was just short and half-baked (although it had the idea that mattresses are creatures also). I also wanted to do the article from the perspective of the universe as it is in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. So here's the warning: people who haven't read the series will probably not get the article. Anyways, please be as in-depth as possible, I really have no idea if I've created a good article or a pile of fan-boy crap... Thanks in advance! -- Sir SF13 (Talk) Upsilonsigmasigmacrest GUN WotM RotM FBotM VFH SK Maj. ΥΣΣ 18:45 EST 7 April, 2010

Having read the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (it was in Life the Universe and Everything or So Long and Thanks for All the Fish, I believe) I'll review this and try not to be too much of a fan-boy.--Striker2117 05:08, May 2, 2010 (UTC)

Humour: 8 In general this article was very funny and emulated Douglas Adam's style of humour fairly well. However, it also has parts that only the readers of Adam's are going to understand and will appear to everyone else as either some sort of exclusive in-joke or just randomness. I would highly suggest that you make some sort of description of the following terms, even if the description is something as simple as “Something the human mind cannot comprehend”: willomy, globbers, wurfing, volluing, lurgling, and vooning, and flolloping. Perhaps in the “Biology and Behavior” section you could makes a list with the name of the action followed by a short description.

Another little problem in the humour occurs in the following passage: “The mattrow did not know what to do with this poor, frightened Thrilliuminian (as the mattrow has an even lower level of intelligence than a regular mattress). The mattrow simply decided to eat him. The mattrow is so hideously disfigured and lumpy that it is incapable of becoming a good MattressTM upon death, and therefore it is avoided and left to its own devices. “ While it's not a major detractor from the humour, each of the three sentences starting with “The mattrow” feels a bit odd. It's up to you to change this, as you may have been going for some stylistic thing I completely missed, but I would suggest changing the sentence to something like “After one of it's two braincells registered the Thrilliuminian's presence, it simply decided to eat him.”

Finally, there are some Adam's references in the article that you might want to link off-site to something partially explaining it, or flesh out enough in the article so that non-Adam's readers will have a slight notion of what they are. The two that I saw were the “Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal “, the “Frogstar A Fighters” and the “Shoe Event Horizon”. Many of the other references, however are either rather self-evident by their names, or easy enough to figure out in context.

Despite the length of this review section, most of the stuff I pointed out was just little semantical things and things meant to help people with no frame of reference to the article to understand it. Besides the stuff listed here, the rest of article was very well done. I especially liked the sterile off-colored green mattresses, which no one wants and the “species” template on the right at the top of the page.

Concept: 10 As stated above, the concept behind the article was rather good and reminded me a lot of Adam's writings. You did a very good job at expanding this from his original little snippets about the mattresses with your own original ideas. Writing about mattresses as a species, and mirroring a sort of biological entry was great. Basically, the concept behind this is perfect and doesn't need any tweaking or changing.
Prose and formatting: 7.5 Besides what was already stated above in the humour section about some of the humour being potentially lost through odd style, there were just a few other semantical errors.

In the passage “roughly 796 Billion Gallactic Years”, I think Galactic should have one “L”.

Also in the passage “Science often counters that God is responsible for the existence of these deformed creatures, and God simply pouts in the corner denying this.” I think it might be better to say “while God simply pouts.” but that's just preference.

Also, for formatting, the second pic (The hand touching the dead carcass) pushes the article out from under its sub-header. Could you try moving the image up a line so the sub-header gets pushed over too?

Other than these small gripes, the rest of the articles was broken up into nice, readable chunks with appropriate sized sections.

Images: 10 Made me laugh my ass off with the sheer absurdity of it.Nice.

Second & Third Image: While not as funny as the first, still very good especially with the pseudo-biological subtitles.

Miscellaneous: 9.875 Average plus 1 for Douglas Adams and general goodness.
Final Score: 45.375 If you think over everything above and change it to whatever you think would work best, I think you'll have a great article.
Reviewer: --Striker2117 06:42, May 2, 2010 (UTC)
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