Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Matter

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edit Matter

SuperBario 23:55, December 2, 2009 (UTC)

I've got this one. 24 hours. --ChiefjusticeDS 09:18, December 4, 2009 (UTC)

Humour: 8 I was pleasantly surprised by the humour in your article, the jokes are well constructed and the article has a real sense of purpose that kept me reading from line to line. While you have made a very pleasing start there are still some changes that I would recommend that you implement. The first of these changes is to do with your running joke. You make the joke that physicists are often drunk and you continue the drunkenness theme throughout. What I would suggest is that rather than using it continuously you make some careful cuts so that the joke still has enough impact every time you use it, if you are using a joke about 3 times in a single paragraph it is inevitable that it will begin to become tired and then its impact lessens. My advice would be to search for the parts of your article where you are either already making a joke or you are giving some information and cut the joke from these sections. If you are sceptical about this then feel free to ask a colleague/friend/pet for their opinion on the jokes occurrences. The second point that I noticed was that you are quite incoherent in a couple places in your article, this often occurs through trying to complete one joke and either then immediately start another one or you are trying to tell several at one time, in such situations it becomes very difficult to discern the punchlines of any of the jokes, so rather than have this problem I would, again, recommend that you make a couple of cuts just in some of the more crowded sections.

The only other problem I could identify was that the section where you describe solids, liquids and gases is a bit brief. Since you have spent all your efforts in the article so far on preparing for this section its brevity took me slightly by surprise. I was expecting a bit more expansion on this aspect. If you can come up with a way to keep these sections feeling new and amusing then I would strongly recommend that you consider expanding them. Otherwise I was pleased with your humour, just work at it a bit more and you will reap the benefits.

Concept: 7 I think the concept is fine but I think your tone needs a little work. The first thing I recommend you do is that you go back through your article and make sure the tone is consistent throughout, as I read I noticed a couple of instances where your tone seemed slightly confused and if you can fix this I would encourage you to do so. The second problem I noticed with your tone was that you are doing well to try to keep things subtle by taking advantage of links, however I would recommend that you make further use of them. For instance try to avoid doing things like this "He is very strange different" if you are trying to be subtle it is best to take advantage of non-sequiturs and say "He certainly is very different". This way you can make a completely different point while retaining your tone. I was pleased to note that you make use of this already and would recommend that you make use of this technique further, the advantage to this one is that it is very easy to do and you are far less likely to bore a reader by doing it more frequently.
Prose and formatting: 5 This section probably needs more attention from you than the others. The first problem is with your spelling and grammar. I cannot stress enough the importance of proofreading your articles, remember that you can always ask for help from the proofreading service. The main problems you are having are word order problems, sentence division and some typos have sneaked into your article too. Make sure you get rid of these as they make your article look unprofessional. You should also be wary of being incoherent without appropriate reasoning, I refer to the Liquid part of the article where I think you repeat yourself deliberately, however it is very difficult to keep track of what you are saying and it is not really made clear that you mean to repeat this. If you are intending to do this just drop in a joke about it, something like "This theory is 100% user friendly and easy to understand", this makes it clear (even without the link) that you have done this deliberately. The final problem is with your image formatting, try to avoid having two images squeezing text together it looks untidy, try to keep things spread out. Also you could consider making the first image a bit smaller, it seems unnecessarily large.
Images: 9 Your images are OK and I have taken the mark off for your formatting difficulties. My only job here is to remind you of the importance of your captions which are just as vital as the images themselves. I like your captions at the moment but should remind you not to forget them should you change your tone or your humour drastically. I can't see you making such drastic changes though, just bear this in mind.
Miscellaneous: 7 My overall grade of the article.
Final Score: 36 A very enjoyable article that is being let down by a couple of mistakes that I'm confident you can fix. Despite all my criticism your article kept me amused throughout and barring some overuse of the running joke was a thoroughly enjoyable read. The changes I have specified should be reasonably easy to implement but feel free to contact me if you run into any problems. As always, direct comments and questions to my talk page where I will be happy to respond. Good luck making any changes.
Reviewer: --ChiefjusticeDS 21:24, December 4, 2009 (UTC)
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