Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Mars

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edit Mars

A little something I saved from deletion, no biggie. How is it? It still needs a sort of "epilogue" but I'm out of ideas. --Black Flamingo 01:22, March 21, 2011 (UTC)

I'll take this one unless someone is DYING to review it :) --ShabiDOO 20:19, March 21, 2011 (UTC)
You broke the 24 hours rule mate, in future please let the submitter know if you're not going to make the deadline. --Black Flamingo 22:38, March 22, 2011 (UTC)
Im working on it, but if you want someone else to do it quickly I dont mind. Let me know :) --ShabiDOO 22:52, March 22, 2011 (UTC)
Humour: 5 Im really sorry, but I didnt have a laugh moment. No lol and no laugh. The humour is something eerie and dark, and thats fine, but with the concept not so clear, and hard to tell whats going on, it makes me feel like Im forced to find it funny. The most interesting part for me is how the aliens dont even notice us, which can SERIOUSLY be played up, it has been done, but can always be done again in a new way. And the food choking up their arteries, I found that amusing, but totally undeveloped, again a great oportunity to strengthen your concept and to add humour to the article. Its not that the writing is so evocative, but that the evocative writing only evokes feelings rather that biting, or deep or clear humour.
Concept: 5 I read this twice before I decided how to communicate any "opinion" or "advice" about anything, and then as I clicked the review button, I saw that this was saved. Checking out the history shows it being long! And complicated etc.. and that you have cut out a lot. First, it seems to me that you cut out a lot and did the best you could with it, maybe feeling bad to cut out more. I would recomend first off the bat that you go ahead and cut one or two of the sections out because they don't sequence into anything really that coherent except that there is this planet, forshadowing life, a slow invasion, slow process and gone but its sort of what you say in the last sentences of seach section that really give it away, and the details in the paragraphs dont relate much to that. Which leads to the concept. Which again, seems to be Mars, a planet that delivers us lots of slow, unexpected and undramatic surprises. Is this the concept? If it is, this could be a really great concept if the humour hits us that way, for instance building up a possible climax and then humorously disapointing us each time by something lame, slow and uninteresting. Or by focussing much more on how the aliens dont think anything about us, dont even know much about us throughout. What stands now is a hodge podge of all really interesting ideas, the coloured dogs, the transforming canals, images from the past of mars, the prediction of a 1000000 to 1, the evocative victorian imagery, but it is disconnected and hard to follow. This is another problem I had with the narrative, the styles change in both the period of writing as well as the kind of writing. One section is modern technical, then it is victorian nature writing, then future apocalyptic. The article seems like a wikipedia parody, an unnews, and a narrative style article, but section by section. I dont really see anywhere where this gells or where the transitions make sense. I like all of the writing, some of it is beautiful, and within the sections the idea is mostly clear, but as a whole, sorry, I just dont get it. Perhaps you should choose a stronger one dimentional idea and apply it to the article more tightly and then give yourself leeway in each section to divert just a little. Or make the concept stronger, but then really expalin why each section has such a different period, style etc. I havent taken a close enough look at the history to see just what you have chopped and re written, but I would suggest goign ahead and chopping some more and rewriting some more as well. Maybe there is a paralel that Im just not getting as I havent read enough sci fi or something obvious I dont see but in anycase I think there can always be a lot more thought put into the concepts of all articles even the top 10 ones :)
Prose and formatting: 5 The image I liked the most was the one with the man in nature. That really got a reaction out of me. though im not sure exactly what its doing there. Uncyclopedia articles, especially lyrithyas have an emotional charge to it, and with an alternative spirit communicate something diferent to us than just bathroom humour or absurdity ha ha ha. So I like that image, but it would be much better to make it clear in the text and or caption just why exactly its there. As for the other images, they arent so imaginative, evocative again, but I just dont see the humour, not even parody. Except the mars bar ofcourse, but even this falls flat because you havent developed that part of the article enough.
Images: 7 It is dense and well written, I dont see any mystakes there. The only thing is the styles and periods change, and that consistancy change doesnt really make sense to me.
Miscellaneous: 7 I add an extra 7 cause I see an absolute amazing article inside there waiting to be carved out of it. You wrote the first article that i read that truly got my attention "salamanders" and I really like your writing and know that you can do more than save an article. And there is nothing actually BAD about it, by no means. As an experimental article, this would be fabulous, so 7 encouragment points for you to maybe think more about the concept and humour and get images that inspire more parody and humour.
Final Score: 29 And ofcourse all of this is all truly in my own humble opinion. :)
Reviewer: --ShabiDOO 23:56, March 22, 2011 (UTC)
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