Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Mark Robinson

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edit Mark Robinson

For Cricket Fans I Assume PoliszSir Ptok-BentonicznyPisz tutaj KUN 13:53, December 24, 2009 (UTC)

OK, I'm a cricket fan, I know whereof I speak. I'll pad up and head to the crease for this one. --UU - natter UU Manhole 17:37, Jan 22
UUtea A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article
is being reviewed by:
UU - natter UU Manhole
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead).
(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole).
Humour: 4 OK, this is a tough one for me to review, but I'll give it my best shot (which, given I'm also a bowler with a shocking batting average, isn't that great, and normally finds the wicketkeeper with unerring accuracy, but stay with me here!)

OK, let's make a positive start: what did I like about this? Well, I liked the idea, but I'll focus on that in the next section. I also liked that second quote - the confusion and comparison is amusing to anyone who knows what you mean; I like the idea of batsmen getting bored waiting for his deliveries, although the line itself could be delivered better; I like the idea of using a metal bat and magnetic balls (although that wouldn't work with aluminium, as it's not magnetic - you do know that, right?); I like the idea of a collection of his thoughts during his record-breaking streak, but I don't think the diary format works for it - a diary is considered, and after the event, while what you're trying to impart here is in the moment, more like a running commentary - if you can find a better format to make it feel natural, this could be more interesting.

That's some positives, but they're more about ideas than what's there. Why? Well, I could cover this in the prose section, but... it's kinda obvious that English is not your first language, is it? Nothing wrong with that - non-native speakers of English have had a few featured articles on here over the years, and I'm vastly impressed with anyone who can speak another language enough to attempt to write humour in it (I can barely do more than ask for a drink in any other language!) But when it comes to translating your ideas into a good, readable article, it does leave you at a slight disadvantage. The problem here is that many of the issues with this article are related to that, and it's hard to see how I can explain how to improve them without making this the longest review ever, and turning it into a long and boring English lesson. So here's what I propose instead: I'll come aboard and help with this article, make it a collaboration. How does that sound?

I will try not to lose your good ideas, but to try and write them in a way that will work better for native speakers and allow them to see the jokes more easily. I'll also try to make the article a little more approachable to cricket atheists ( a bit like I did with TMS). And I'll just try to help the good ideas you have flourish. You are welcome to turn this offer down, in which case, I'll return to this review and just give you maybe 5 - 10 points as to ways you can improve this article and leave you to it: your choice, let me know on my talk page.

(Things I'll mention now though: the bit about him starting out as a wicket and coming to life makes no sense, adds nothing, and doesn't help - change it. I don't think the idea about a special rule for bowling to him is going anywhere either, I'd suggest you can lose that too. And that last section makes no sense - I'm sure a better conclusion can be found to this article - maybe suggest, following the recent ridiculous innings defeat to South Africa and the appalling batting on show, that he recently took over as England batting coach? There has to be some explanation)

Concept: 7 No problem here, it's a good idea for an article. One of the worst batsmen of all time? People love a good failure, and it can make for good comedy. But you need to concentrate on the good ideas, and make the article a bit easier to read. At the very least, that would mean calling in the proofreading service, but as I say, I'm willing to help if you want.
Prose and formatting: 5 Formatting is essentially sound (although have you come across the {{title-left}} template? It's a lot easier than the lengths you went to to try and replace the title with "Worst Batsman Ever" - just put {{title-left|Worst Batsman Ever}} in the code of the page, and voilá!

However, I can't give more than a 5 because of the prose. As I say, that's not an insult, but this does need help from a native speaker of the language.

Images: 5 Three of them. Of which, the third is the best used - that is, it looks artificial, but makes sense in context, and the caption is amusing in context. The first is a bit small, and the caption is wayyyyyyy too long - it needs to be more concise. The second is also a little small, and could do with a snappier caption, but it's OK.
Miscellaneous: 5.3 That's a better average than his, at least! ;-)
Final Score: 26.3 OK, that's not a great score, but it's not hideous either. Thing is, as I say, there is potential here, and a genuinely amusing article could come out of this - it just needs a bit of work to remove some ideas that don't work, some more work to add maybe one or two more that do, a re-think of the diary format, and a chunk of work on the language. I'm happy to help if you want, if not, I wish you the very best of luck!

Oh - one other thing. I seem to remember when you nominated the Cricket article, you claimed to know nothing of the sport - was that a bit inaccurate, or are you a really quick learner? ;-)

Finally, as ever, please remember this is only my opinion, others are available. And good luck!

Reviewer: --UU - natter UU Manhole 18:12, Jan 22
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