Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Marcus Fenix
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KneeChee27 21:48, 17 May 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||needs work. Mostly to do with concept and prose. But I did laugh at the idea of the clocks killing themselves cos they seen Marcus’ face and how the locusts didn’t cos they’re a lot uglier.|
|Concept:||6||The thing about it is, or at least I get the feeling, you sorta need to have played GoW to really get it. There are always going to be articles like this and I don’t see it as such a huge problem, something this obscure people will most likely be looking for rather than stumble across. The thing is I don’t think you really had a central idea about where the character was going or coming from – especially at the end where you had him as a playable character. What I suggest you do is build up the character, continuing to portray his escapades as fact in the encyclopaedic manner and toss in some ideas like a running obsession or something, this’ll help open it up to other people who are ignorant of who he actually is. Explain some of his past in greater detail but be sure to keep it funny. Don’t be afraid to completely make things up either, he’s already fictional anyway just add to the fiction.
in the early life section you had the idea that he was spoiled, this I felt was kinda weak as not only is being spoiled a bit boring, it tends to be something that produces mean people rather than stupid people as you later go on to depict him as. Try expanding into ideas such as his education and possibly military training and use the idea of his brick-headed-ness.
|Prose and formatting:||6||I’m never a huge fan of quotes but you at least stayed away from memes like Oscar Wilde and capt obvious though I still thought the second one was a little too meh, the first one was ok as it tried to blend the two games.
Remember to portray him as real. You mention that he’s the main character in the game GoW which is just out right truth. Try saying that he is the man that inspired the character in the GoW game. And in the last section use this idea again to compare/contrast the differences and similarities of the character. Try saying that all (or most) of the game elements actually happened (even if they aren’t meant to happen for centuries yet).
Your actual writing was good though, spelling, grammar et al was ok.
|Images:||8||I think you may have too many actually. The Vulcan death grip one should probably go as its not very funny and neither is the caption so just drop it as the article looks too busy with it.Also I like pictures to alternate the side their on so remember to re orientate the last one when/if you take out the other picture.
I noticed you used some photochopped pics here, if these are your own originals then very well done! We need some more photochoppers. If they aren’t then well done in finding such pics, they were very good.
|Final Score:||32.5||Basically, because the concept is kinda random you need to introduce some original ideas or at least ideas that many people will get and that should keep the article hanging together better.
If you’d like to thank/ask/insult me about anything please feel free to visit my talk page.
|Reviewer:||Have Fun! MuCal. Orian57|Chat|Chuckle|PEE List|Awarded|UnBlog| 09:17, 25 May 2008 (UTC)|