Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Maniac Cop

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FAQ

edit Maniac Cop

Maniac1075 09:28, April 9, 2010 (UTC) Seems like this has been in here for quite a while, so I'll review it.--Sirrah CatshirE Chess the Striker2117 00:04, May 8, 2010 (UTC)

Humour: 7 The humour of this article was rather good, and would have been extraordinary if not for the prose errors. The references to various movies made me laugh, as did things such as Tango saying he sat on his throat with a chair because “he couldn't find a piano.” The fact that his mother called him a pig for eating donuts and then Maniac becoming a cop also was very good. As I said, if you clean it up as mentioned in the “Prose” section of the review, I think the humour will shine through much better.
Concept: 10 I wasn't so sure on the idea at first, but even the seemingly random elements were played out well enough to make them into a good laugh. The incorporation of Tango & Cash, a Rambo like part, his mother entering him into contests as a child, and he and Jason being lovers worked out wonderful. I especially liked the little tag at the end with Cash and Jason. In general, the concept is fine and doesn't need any tweaking at all.
Prose and formatting: 6 While your article was readable without any difficulty, there were many parts of it with little problems. I knew what you meant to say (I think), it just wasn't quite right. I've broken it down section-by-section for you to fix them whenever you want.

Opening

Where you say that he held the record of the man whose “sperm could glow in the dark”, I'd recommend it to be the man “whose sperm glows in the dark”, as saying could makes it sound iffy as to whether or not it does.

Mini-Maniac

The part under mini-maniac where you call him “Matty Moo's”, I'm not sure but I think it's supposed to be a nickname. If it is I would recommend to remove that apostrophe and put it in quotations and possibly italics as “Matty Moos”.

When you say “His mother was a repressed model who never won any awards, so she had forced her need to win onto her only son “, I would change the latter part of this to read “so she forced” and drop the “had” from it as it seems awkward phrasing.

When you say he “won 19 1st place trophies” I'd recommend either writing out “first” or “nineteen” as the two numbers juxtaposed look a bit odd.

During you sentence that has the phrase “...during an argument with his now tittie-less mother when he was 16 for coming... “ I'd recommend putting a comma after “16” as the sentence is very long and it seems to mush together without that comma in there. Also at the end of that sentence where you say he ate an entire box of donuts “in her face” I think you mean “in front of her face”.

When you say “well become a cop, but waste his beautiful looks “ I'd recommend rephrasing it as “a cop, wasting his beautiful looks” as it sounds more natural.

Also you last sentence in the first section need ending punctuation and capitalization at the beginning.

Officer Matt Cordell

In the first sentence, I think “mothers” should be “mother's”. In the second sentence “regression” doesn't really make sense there, perhaps you meant “resentment”? The third sentence is really rambling, and if you meant it to be like that then leave it as is; but otherwise I'd suggest breaking it up into two or three separate sentences detailing the way he got his honors.

In that next little section's first sentence, move the “however” from the beginning and replace the “but” later on in the same sentence with it so it reads, “In the heat of the action, Matt had kept Henry Brewster out of harms way, however the debris...”

In that last sentence in the phrase “hard ass, but a fair hard ass proceeded” put a comma between “ass” and “proceeded”. Also you say “bride for under 36 bucks”, and as the next section is about him finding love I don't know if “bride” is in there intentionally or just a typo and if “36 bucks” is supposed to be there as his bribe was only “35 bucks” in the previous sentence.

NYPD's Finest Maniac Falls In Love

In the sentence “Matt was the officer to arrive on the scene first and that's when he met the love of his life, Jason Voorhees.“ I'd change it to “was the first office to arrive on the scene, and...”

In the next sentence “Jason was new in town and a bit frustrated he couldn't ...” I'd change it to “Jason was new in town and a bit frustrated, he couldn't...“ with a comma or “Jason was new in town and a bit frustrated because he couldn't...”

In the phrase, “they had moved in together and enjoyed attending matinee theater and killing hookers together...“ I think you should change it to “they had moved in together and were enjoying attending matinee theater and killing hookers together.” so the verb tenses all line up.

Maniac Cop

In the first sentence, change “his sexual frustration” to “Maniac's sexual frustration” just to be clear. In the phrase “murdered and they where successful employed white men & women “ change “where” to “were” and place a comma after “murdered” and add the word “because” in front of “they.” In “catch a maniac, was to send a maniac,“ it may be okay as it is; but you might want to change it to “send in a maniac.”

Send a Maniac To Catch A Maniac

Change “lose” to “loose” in the first sentence. Later, in the phrase “of New York. But the battle was not over yet, being an officer “ change it to “of New York, but the battle was not over yet. Being an officer,” as it reads better this way. In the phrase “right to use a chair and sit on it when” change “it” to “throat” or something to restate that Tango had sat on his throat. In “Tangos defense was he couldn't find a piano,” make “Tangos” into “Tango's”. In “excessive force where laid against “ change “where” to “were”

Badger Of Silence

In “Tango & Cash, they hunted “ Just make it into a new sentence like “Tango & Cash. They hunted... “ In “Cordell was projectile out“ change “projectile” to “projected” or “launched”. In “stating their was “ change “their” to “there”. In “explosions distraction “ change it to “explosion's distraction”. In “to see Tangos dead body “ change it to “to see Tango's dead body”. In “his knife stick in” I think you meant “night stick”. In “reserved to bat up innocent black guys “ I think you meant “beat up” In “out of no-where Cash “ “nowhere” can be one word and put a comma after it so it's “nowhere, Cash”. Also capitalize the “T” in “Eye of the Tiger” In “lives in vein. “ change “vein” to “vain”. In “was a child, was no more.“ change it to “was a child; was no more.“ as the entire part before it was one part. “next to Cordells body was“ should be “next to Cordell's body, was“ with the apostrophe and comma.

Overall it just needs some cleaning up, and I'd suggest breaking the beginning into some smaller sections like you did later on. It was readable, it just had that “something's not right here” feeling to many of the sentences. Fix up these errors (and any I may have missed) and it should be a comedy gold mine.

Images: 8.75 The images themselves are all good and well made, but the captions may need some tweaking. In the one where he's on fire, change “Hulk Hogans idiotic “ to “Hulk Hogan's idiotic” with the apostrophe. Also, maybe put punctuation at the end of each caption (except perhaps the one that ends with “*sniff*”). Maybe also move another image over to the left at some point, as you have an awful lot on the right.
Miscellaneous: 7.9 Averaged the score.
Final Score: 39.65 I really liked the content of the article, and the story flowed very nicely; just the prose was off. I think that if you fix up all the grammar and spelling stuff, you could probably get this featured.
Reviewer: --Sirrah CatshirE Chess the Striker2117 01:29, May 8, 2010 (UTC)
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