Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Mammal

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edit Mammal

So I noticed that just a few days ago, the Disciple Mordillo deleted the page mammal due to VFD. I rewrote it just so that we have a page on mammals. I want to know how funny it is, and any ideas you have for expansion. I don't have plans for VFH for this, I just thought uncyclopedia needs a page on mammals. Thanks!   Le Cejak <Apr 25, 2008 [14:01]>

Hey Cajek, sorry I'm literally half way through this article, but something's just come up, so I'll have to finish it tomorrow. - 06:00 25 AprilSir FSt. (QotF BFF NotM) YTTETalk!Read!Sign!Whore!CMC!Pee!
Woah, back off there, 'cause it's YesTimeToPee...for YTTE, not you. Sorry, you'll just have to go find somewhere else to empty your bladder, or you can choose to wet yourself. I got this spot, biatch.

Humour: 6 Opening Para: Produced a little smirk but is FAR too short. Needs expansion. It was mildly funny for such a short opening. Apart from that, there's noting really to say about these first two lines. And the opening quote is OK, but maybe just a little weak.

The Most Important Forms of Mammal: The you think mammals are so hot bit at the opening of this section illicited a smile, but still you can add some more humour in there at the beginning of this paragraph. The dolphin section I read with a faint smile throughout, again you can pack some more humour in here. There's so much you can do with dolphins! What about their weird dolphin-talk thing, famous dolphins etc. I bet you would never guess that some humans were actually dolphins. I'm sure you can think of lots of dolphin related humour. "They have controlled the world nut market for too long. " Funny. Very nice line there, but again, why is it all so short?! I'm left with a smile from one line and then I'm whisked into the next thing!

History: "Mammals began their quest for power in the late Triassic period beginning with those damned cynodonts. I told the others that the cynodonts were trouble, but did they listen to me? " - That's a nice informal piece of funny there, jumps out of the article because it is different, similar to the mammals are so hot line. "I so deserved that promotion. " - this just continues with that little distraction at the beginning of this part, funny though and doesn't need expanding on - it only needs to be short this "distraction". "the only porn YOU'LL be getting is close-ups-of-insects-porn. " - I like that, very amusing (also I see a little bit of advertisement for another article written by someone). The rest of this section needs working on because the smirking and smiling was short and brief. Needs a polish and a few more jokes.

Arguments Against: Interesting, starts off well, but without any smirking. However "Mammals are weak, and need to be reformed. " is a very nice line, because of that great reformed/murder link you slapped in there. It's a simple and basic touch but it works. Often opposite links are predictable and annoying, but sometimes, even when they're predictable, they can be funny. "Soon we will have our vengeance! Soon the females will nurture and coddle US! hahahaha! " is very nice. Oh, but watch the loss of capitals on the haha after the exclamation mark (just a little thing you pick up on while reading, I've just corrected that). "the squirrels cannot escape us. MUAHAHAHA! " - there's a tinge of megla-maniac to this, like the rest of the article, which fits nicely, but isn't really that funny (in this quote anyway). "You mammals can't stop fucking each other long enough to see what's going on around you! Why don't you put down the bong and pay attention, mammals? " Now that is funny, well done with that one, which came out of the blue. Very good.

Soon, very soon: Again we have another little section. But this was clever, because something I'd found weird throughout was the lack of humans but the line: "Wait... are humans mammals? Oh, in that case, nevermind. Psh, I'm sorry. Forgot who's side I'm on. " was funny and a strong final sentence.

Final Notes: Lots of expansion needed, jokes needed here and there as well. Why isn't there a section arguing for mammals, if there's one against them (think of the fun you could have slanting a "for" section so that actually it was sounded almost like a second against section)? I see what you've done with leaving humans out, which is fair enough, and slightly unexpected but you could have got a few laughs out of the advanced evolution of man and then put something comparing his lounging around at home watching TV and drinking beer to some clever mammal - or something such like - catching its prey? This could even be at a stage in the article where you still haven't realised humans are mammals and are therefore attempting to make humans look better than those pesky mammals.

Anyway, to get a little poetical, this article's humour seems to be the bud of Cajek's own-brand classic random humour. It needs a lot of pruning (to extend my planty metaphor) and trimming here and there. Then you need to build! There's so much more you can do with the mammal humour, you just need to take a moment to think and then just write some more.

Concept: 7 What I'm getting from this article is that it is meant to be written by an average (if megalomaniac) Wikipedian who keeps getting distracted by random things and is forgetful and has a tendency to want to kill mammals... This megalomaniac take on mammals is quite interesting and is open to lots of humour, but there's nothing really special here. There isn't a fascinating concept glowing here, which is why this article seems to rely more than some other articles on the humorous content (well I know all Uncyc articles are meant to have a humorous content, but some get away with being not supremely funny but having a great concept). There's not much actually to say else on the concept - I think it's not bad, but not fantastic, it's average.
Prose and formatting: 6 Hmm...! You have a LOT of short sections and you have a short opening. These need to be expanded upon. In fact at the moment this article looks a little bit like a good, sturdy skeleton that needs fleshing out. I mean there isn't much more to say about your prose and formatting. Oh one thing I should mention, which is slightly off-putting as you read the article is due to the shortness of the sections you have loads of [EDIT] tags packed together down the right hand side. As I said you need to expand on these short sections, but if you've still got the [EDIT] tags packed together a __NOEDITSECTION__ tag may be in order? Oh and the one "NOOOoooo " thing just bugs me a bit, going from capital o's to lower case, I don't know why, it's just doesn't look right - to a person who's just checking this one article out this may look a little unprofessional. Cajek you're a good writer, and so I'm going to be particularly hasrh on you for scoring this, I'm giving you a six because you really need to s(h)ort (he he I made a bad joke) the shortness of the sections. Flesh it out!
Images: 7 None of your four images are stunningly funny, but you have got enough. I think adding another image with the current length of the article will overcrowd it. But if you do flesh the article out then a fifth image could be in order. A classic photo-chopped evolution of the mammal picture, perhaps? I dunno, I don't have many suggestions for another picture, I'm afraid, you'll have to have a think about that, but a funnier picture is in order. The captions are quite funny, I like the "Mammals can be seen standing motionless beside plants. " picture. Also all your images are on the right, again! As I said an article looks immeasurably better when you have alternating sides for pictures (or similar). This is an average lot of images, but I know you can do a lot better.
Miscellaneous: 6.5 Averaging is so fun, is so fun, is so fun, averaging is so fun, is so fun, is so fun!
Final Score: 32.5 This article needs work. Quite a bit of work. As I've mentioned many times it seems bare and lacking real flesh. Maybe also you could add one or two more sections? What about something on evolution? The humour doesn't seem to be scoring that much for me, at the moment. That's all I can really say at the moment: Work, Expand, Check through, Work, Expand, Check through, Pee, Work, Expand, Check through, Work, Expand, Check through, Pee, Work, Expand, Check through, Work, Expand, Check through, Pee and so on. Ideas themselves are hard to conjure up for you and I'm afraid you're going to have to do that chunk of hard work by yourself, if I do have any ideas I will drop by your talk page, though, and let you know. Good luck and I wish you all the best with this one!
Reviewer: - 02:45 26 AprilSir FSt. (QotF BFF NotM) YTTETalk!Read!Sign!Whore!CMC!Pee!
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