Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Make Money Fast

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edit Make Money Fast

My first major article. Tell me, does it need improving, does it need proofreading... --The Improver talkcontribs05:26, Apr 23 2008 (UTC)

Make Money Fast
is being reviewed by
CajekHi!
Your Source for Fine Scented Pee
And Whatever Else Comes Out Of Him

Politely whored on my talk page :)   Le Cejak <Apr 24, 2008 [20:57]>

Humour: 3.5 This is your first article? Do NOT expect a glowing review, as 99% of first articles are crap. I mean, have you read my first article? It totally sucked. Did you ever see my article Contraption? Deleted in 2 days. But, that's the great part about PR: Pee Review is for tearing down people's egos and rebuilding articles. I did not submit either of those articles, and now nobody looks at them. In other words, your score will look HORRIBLE, but keep writing: an idea will come to you. Anyway, avg of each... "section"? "part"?
  • FUNNY/intro [5]: Likes: The certificate & the orange joke @ the beginning, plus "Do you want me to stop using cliched puns?"
    • (1) BLINK!... BLINK!... BLINK!... BLINK!... that's annoying! I would say once in an article is more than enough (you can have just one word blinking in the entire article, and that would be okay for this subject matter). Specific complaints:
    • (2) You say introducing way too much in there. Whether it's part of the joke or not, it's merely irritating (BLINK BLINK)
    • (3) Richie McRich? You should probably make that more like a real name instead of a cliché. Try "The Money Foundation" or "The Money Making Foundation of Tijuana" or something.
  • FUNNY/Marketing [4]: Love the weird spam king picture. Also, the line "Cause you're trying to get rich quickly, not get poor slowly." was pretty good, actually.
    • (1) Bill Gates joke fell flat because the reader could, with a very flat expression, deliver the comeback, "yes, I've heard of Bill Gates." O____O <- flat expression.
    • (2) You say "rich" too much. Instead of just saying "rich", describe how rich Richy McRich is (please change the name). Does he own his own yacht? A super-yacht? A space-yacht? A mansion-yacht?
    • (3) "and as Monty Python always says, "NOBODY EXPECTS YOUR EXTREMELY REASONABLE DEALS"." Nobody expects Monty Python jokes! Get rid of all clichés in this article, except for that one joke that says it's a cliché in the intro: That was good.
  • FUNNY/Financial Advice [3]: liked: "Make us you Rich Foundation". Get rid of the Richy Rich joke and replace with this. This section's jokes are covered over by bad grammar. I know you're a good writer, so get down and rewrite this. I can only cover so much for you in Prose/Formatting.
  • FUNNY/Real Estate [2]:
    • (1) "we recommend you invest all you have into this market," obvious parody jokes like this are too obvious. Break the "obviousness" around a little so that we have time to get used to it. For example, instead of saying "all you have", try saying "invest 50% of everything you own two times". It's slightly funnier because it doesn't hit the reader all at once.
    • (2) "Everyone recommends that you should invest in multiple markets, from California to Arizona to Orlando, they all have one thing that makes them worth investing in. FANCY HOUSES!!!," (2.1) why are you mentioning all those states? (2.2) Why do you have so many exclamation points? Exclamation points are dumb, because you get your point across after only ONE. ONLY ONE.
  • FUNNY/100% accurate testimonials [n/a]:
    • (1) BLINK! BLINK! BLINK!
    • (2) no no no. Get rid of all the quotes. Get rid of this entire section. It's extremely annoying to me.
Concept: 7 Yes, the article idea is good, with lots of room for expansion and explanation. The execution, however, is what needs work.
Prose and formatting: 1 lots and lots of little errors that need to be fixed, and some that aren't even mentioned. Improver, you should go around and tidy up this article and fix stuff I didn't see. After all: nobody claimed I was perfect.
  • PROSE/intro:
    • (1) "or any job allowed"? What's THAT supposed to mean? Are you saying being a part-time drug dealer isn't an allowed job, or is it a grammar mistake? Another grammar mistake: "Using a revolutionary course that our scientists worked on for 10 years, this course..."
    • (2) You need more commas, dashes, or some kinds of breaks in there: for example, "Through this revolutionary course trusted by many selling professionals" is fine, but the phrase "trusted by many selling professionals" isn't an important part of any "revolutionary course", ergo you need to quarter it off with dashes or something. There are other places where this applies in the intro (at least)... see if you can find them (hint: "rich strapping young lad" should have commas in it). I find that reading aloud your own articles is great for finding piddly little typos.
    • (3) You spelled "SLOB" ("slop") and "CERTIFIED" ("certtified") wrong, but it's nothing important.
  • PROSE/Marketing:
    • (1) "using these techniques that CEO's have used. You'll become as rich as Bill Gates." use comma instead of period.
    • (2) "techniques we gave him, I mean, he taught during his course." awkward sentence. You could probably just pare it down to "techniques he taught during his course" and make up for it in jokes later.
    • (3) "Cause you're trying to..." Don't chop down words, keep it as "because" because you're trying to sound like a professional commercial here, not some dude's drunk buddy.
    • (4) "a lot of money. Panic, as you are becoming poorer by the second." comma.
    • (5) "be persistent as possible okay, you want to earn more money." is not a sentence. Don't use the word "okay". Remember, this is a professional advertisement.
    • (6) "Once you see money flowing down from the sky, you'll know that you're money train has start up again and you're earning money fast." start -> startED. "you're earning money fast" is awkward. Reword it.
    • (7) "But you might want to take preemptive strikes, try sending emails to your friends with that special little program that says. makemoneyfast.exe." (7.1) Don't start sentences with BUT or AND. (7.2) When you say "that little program", we have no idea what you're talking about: Before saying "THAT" you have to introduce it to us. (7.3) Avoid using {{C}} unless it's REALLY necessary.
    • (8) "Your friends will make you the richest person in the town in mere minutes thanks to you." Of course you'll be rich thanks to you... that sentence makes no sense. It goes around in a weird little circle. A circle made of smaller circles.
  • PROSE/Financial Advice [x]:
    • (1) Block of text: bad. Please break it up into two or three smaller blocks of text.
    • (2) "you will receive guaranteed trusted advice that will give us your money" advice cannot give money.
    • (3) "earn you monies" rephrase.
    • (4) "...investing in our highly trusted investors. Investors such as..." reword: you said investors WAY too much.
    • (5) "You can also invest in the Real Estate market, which is booming more then it ever was, we guarantee you will earn money then you could ever earn." sentence fragments. Rewrite, break into two or three separate sentences.
  • PROSE/Real Estate [x]:
    • (1) "has never been as it's been today" it's = it is, NOT it has.
    • (2) "Who doesn't like the idea of investing in Real Estate, I mean it's so simple." (2.1) question mark, please. (2.2) You're not writing us a letter: get rid of all "I" references. (2.3) Tell us that it's simple in some other sentence, not inside an interrogative one.
    • (3) "People need to live, and they need to house to live in," What now? rewrite.
    • (4) "it's obvious that the more money you have to spend on a house, the more money you'll get." that is very far from obvious. "Far" like the Earth is from the Restaurant At The End Of The Universe. Rewrite.
    • (5) "And since it's so simple, we recommend you invest all you have into this market, since we predict that many more people will buy houses now since that houses are cool in all, we predict that you will have money in the bank by tomorrow." rewrite. This sentence is a "run on sentence", which means that it covers two or three more topics in one sentence than it should.
    • (6) "Our analysts are never wrong, hell they even predicted 9/11 would be an ordinary day. And they were right! Well, right on the terrorists attacking." (6.1) you're using {{C}} again. Please don't. (6.2) run-on sentence. Rewrite.
    • (7) "...g in. FANCY HOUSES!!!, even..." FANCY HOUSES!!! is a sentence all by itself, remember. You can't have a comma after it and keep on talking. You have issues with breaking sentences up, don't you Improver?
    • (7) "he's richer then he's ever been thanks to us. You will be richer thanks to us." repetitive, redundant, and full of repetitiveness.
  • PROSE/100% accurate testimonials: I'm recommending you delete this section and think of some more professional way to end this article.
Images: 6 I would choose more relevant pictures, but it's your choice. I have a tough time judging pictures...
Miscellaneous: 4.4 avg'd
Final Score: 21.9 If this were MY article what I would do is REWRITE THIS ARTICLE. Cajek, who has won so many awesome awards, spent 45 minutes and wrote an 8,000 character review of this article. I WOULD REWRITE THIS ARTICLE. CAJEK SWEARS TO GOD, IF I DON'T REWRITE THIS ARTICLE, CAJEK WILL BAN ME. Actually, Cajek likes reviewing stuff. Keeps him on my toes.

Keep on keepin' on, Improver! Like I said, this article has potential.

Reviewer:   Le Cejak <Apr 24, 2008 [22:43]>
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