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Made some biggish changes, new direction essentially, it was very messed up and pretty much random when I started editing. SonOfPhyllis 22:20, June 7, 2010 (UTC)
|Fear Not! John Lydon|
is here to Pee all over you!
|Humour:||5||Okay, I took a peak at some of the earlier versions of this article and based on what you started with, you've come a long way. There's definatley still some wrinkles to iron out, but you've at least got it heading in the right direction. I'm going to break this article down section by section to be as thorough as I can.
Section 1 - Opening
This section starts of pretty well, then kinda falls apart. You start out by referring to the mafia as a charity orginization of sorts, then they are a trash company in the next sentence. Then you proceed to paint them as a secret gun toting group (which is probably close to the truth). While all these show promise, sticking with one and running with it is neccessary here. As the reader, I want to know what your angle is from the get go. It makes it much easier to follow the article and also keeps it from feeling random, which this section does.
I also did not get the reference to "the game". It comes completely out of nowhere and is completely random. While random can sometimes be funny, this just isn't one of those times for me. I would recommend removing that portion altogether. I did find the last link hilarious. That is a solid joke. Keep the last line at all costs.
Section 2 - History
This is probably the best section of the article from a humor standpoint. I really liked the way you explained Al Capone forming the mafia. Also the informal feel of this section works very well. I would highly recommend using this type of vibe throughout the entire article. The informal 1st person thing is not always funny, but for this subject, I think it would work well. For a good example of using the informal 1st person POV, check out this article. I think styling your article in this fashion would really work well.
Section 3 - The creatonist perspective
This section reverts back to the randomness. While some of the gags made me chuckle, like the Tony "one ball" Bonanza bit, i really think this section hurts more than it helps. After building up a pretty solid base in section 2, it all gets lost in section 3. Once again, I suggest really reviewing a few featured articles, especially the one I linked to above, and pay attention to how they keep the same comedic flow throughout the entire article.
Section 4 - Mafia Today
This is actually a pretty solid section and I really enjoy the child porn embedded link joke. This section is extremely short and needs expanded, but we're talking humor right now.
Section 5 - Chinese Mafia
Again, this section seems to lead into randomness. While it is not nearly as hard to follow as section 3, it definately could use some tightening. Most of the jokes are pretty good, but they need to be connected better. For instance, the Winnie the Pooh part ties in pretty well to everything else and doesn't come off as random. The part about Kim Jong Il's faced being melted off does not really tie into anything. I really think this section just needs a few tweeks to make it work nicely.
Section 6 - Russian mafia
Good start humor wise, but where's the rest? It's only one sentence! Expand, expand, expand! You have a good opening line but you need to build on it or remove it altogether.
Sections 7,8,9, and 10
I lumped these all together because they are all basically the same. Lists. One list can be funny, but four is too many. I would recommend removing or consolodating a few of them.
|Concept:||4||The mafia is a very easy target for lampooning. Given their tendency towards secrecy and how little we actually know for a fact about them, pretty much any accusation will stick. You could definately expand on this topic by deciding just what perspective your writing from. I know I've hit on this plenty already but it would do wonders for this article. You currently have 3 different angles going on, Encyclopedia entry, 1st person observer, and 1st person insider. I would highly recommend running with the 1st person insider perspective. You can detail things like mob activities, formation, initiations, whatever, from the point of view of a mob henchmen. I really think it would work great here.|
|Prose and formatting:||3||As I touched on plenty here, the writing perspective hurts you here. I won't go over it all again because I'm sure you get the picture. Also, you have a few run on sentences that need cleaned up. There are several red links that could be removed as well.|
|Images:||6||You only have two images, but I really like them. Especially the first image. If you chopped that yourself, big kudos on that. I would recommend maybe one more image just to keep the article from looking to bare. Not many complaints here though.|
|Final Score:||22.5||One final time, I strongly urge you to review the article I linked to and pay close attention to how the whole article flows. You really have some funny stuff in here, but the randomness gets in the way. You really have improved on what you started out with, but I think you have a little ways to go yet.|
|Reviewer:||--—John Lydon 18:39, June 8, 2010 (UTC)|