Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Lunar Launch Saga
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The space movie you absolutely DO want to miss! Lunar Launch Saga by Tom Hanks
Funnybony 16:24, September 16, 2009 (UTC)
- Why is this still here? Consider this page marked with a very angry surprised face. I will review as soon as I have a moment. --ChiefjusticeDS 22:15, October 11, 2009 (UTC)
- When the going gets tough, the tough get going (or some such) ---this is funnybony not logged in like the fool I am---126.96.36.199 00:12, October 12, 2009 (UTC)
- Will have to knock this one to over 24 hours, but I will still get it done for you. --ChiefjusticeDS 18:32, October 12, 2009 (UTC)
|Humour:||7||OK, your humour here is very promising but isn't there just yet. The first thing you should think about is your style. You are currently writing in a way that tells the jokes well but doesn't present them correctly. By this I mean that jokes seem belaboured and the article often feels patronising with the dialigue. The best way to rectify this is to go through your article and do everything you can to make the throwaway jokes more concise, that way you can introduce more of them. Take a look at the joke of the astronauts forgetting the manual, it is 18 lines long and pretty much dominates the central part of that section. The joke itself is amusing, it just needs shortening to ensure that people still find it amusing when they reach the end of it. You should also try to vary your humour a bit more, the minor problems with your existing jokes aside, they are all pretty good, but they begin to feel tired by the end of the article and as a reader I was desperate for some variation. To use an analogy, your jokes are like the branston pickle (which is very good) in your article sandwich, but they feel like they are spread too thin and that a bit more would mean that your article would be more enjoyable all round.
My final point with regard to your humour is about the conclusion of the piece. While I understand the humour in it I think that being extorted by mission control is a relatively weak ending. My recommendation would be to change this in favour of an ending with similar results but for a different reason. For example, the mission controller goes away to do something else, or some other event takes place that means the mission controller cannot provide that final piece of vital info. I just felt that being extorted by mission control was pushing the boundaries of believability. I think that the ending would be much stronger were it just toned down a bit so it was feasible.
|Concept:||7||Your concept is pretty good and your tone is good too. You should, however, work on your execution of this concept. Think about how a new reader sees your article for the first time. Try to give a bit more context to what is happening, your preamble is very fast paced and slightly confusing, try to make what is going on more obvious and accessible. The main problem to be looked at here is to do with your tone. You need to make sure that each character's dialogue suits what we would expect of those characters and thus you need to give a bit more grounding to the mission control voice for it to fit with this, try hinting at ulterior motives from the beginning rather than simply producing them at the end. If you decide to change what happens then try to make the voice fit what is going on.|
|Prose and formatting:||8||Your prose are OK and your spelling and grammar just needs a final check to ensure that any typos are phased out. With your prose there aren't any real problems I can see, but I would suggest that you try to be more coherent with your storyline throughout, as who is doing what and indeed who is doing who, is not obvious at first glance. Try to be clearer with your explanations and scene descriptions. You should also spread out your images a bit more, they feel a bit crowded up at the top there. On an unrelated note, have you considered moving the article over to UnScripts? It looks and feels like an UnScript, so why not file it away over there with like articles?|
|Images:||8||Almost all existing images are fine, though I would advise getting an extra one and possibly replacing the image that contains the wikipedia logo. Perhaps I was being a bit thick, but I didn't really understand what role it was playing in the article. Otherwise this is absolutely fine.|
|Miscellaneous:||7||My overall grade of the article.|
|Final Score:||37||Your article is nearly there and with a little bit more work then you will have reached the potential that it has. Remember to bear tone and coherence in mind when fixing up the humour, and don't feel that you would be demeaned by referring to to HTBFANJS for guidance, as there are some brilliant tips in there. If you have any thoughts, comments, questions, requests or pie for me then feel free to drop by my talk page. Also please accept our apologies for the delay in your article being reviewed. Good luck making any edits.|
|Reviewer:||--ChiefjusticeDS 10:21, October 13, 2009 (UTC)|