Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Loyola

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edit Loyola

This article is about the Loyola car, which is supposed to be a rip-off of Toyota.

King Joe of the Philippine Empire- I am the REAL dictator! 05:57, 22 September 2008 (UTC)

Masaru

PEE REVIEW IN PROGRESS

Hyperbole is engaged in the dual processes
of giving you his opinion and pretending you care.
Humour: 4 Hey, Joe! Sorry you had to wait a ridiculously long time for this one. Okay, let's look at this section by section:
  • Lede - Not bad. I see you can write some Japanese, since I know just enough to know that ロヨラ is "Royora" or "Loyola." My first thought here is "Why would a Spanish-Basque company have a Japanese name?"
  • Infobox - Well, it's not done - there are templates sticking out of it. But it's okay. No terrible jokes in it, and infoboxes are often dumping grounds for terrible jokes.
  • History - The first thing I see is problems with tense - we modulate immediately from past to present. This part isn't hilarious, but I did get a chuckle out of "the business name changed to Loyola Fertilisers and Carriages, prouducing fertilizer and carriages." Careful with your proofreading, though! Even in that sentence, "fertilizer" is spelled two different ways, and "producing" is misspelled.
  • 1960s - This part seems a little random, and I can't understand if it's satirizing anything. Obviously, there no SUVs in 1960. Obviously, Franco didn't kill people singlehandledly from the sunroof of a car. So... if those are making fun of anything that actually did happen, then I don't know my Spanish history well enough to know what.
  • 1970s - Same problem. I'm reading a fictional history of a fictional company, but I don't see how it satires real life, and I can't find any actual jokes in it. It's just... fiction.
  • 1980s and beyond - Same problem.
  • That Trademark Loyola Quality - Sort of the same problem, but the concept of a car "made of unpainted tin" is pretty funny. Still, if Loyola never does any QC, one wonders why both Franco and the Pope owned one.
  • Financial information - This is totally unfunny and pointless. Is this section sporked from Wikipedia? Remember: when sporking an article, if something can't be made into a funny joke, take it out.
  • Models and poop - Same problem. An unfunny sporked list. Also, you've added a couple memes to the bottom. Most of us at Uncyclopedia are sick of looking at those; we don't want Link and Mario to show up in articles about fictional car companies. And we've all seen AAAAAAAAA! - there's really no need to link for it, especially without any reason at all.
  • Where they are - another part of the spork that doesn't work and needs to go.

BOTTOM LINE: This article gave me a few smiles at points I mentioned above, but no chuckles, and no laughs. It's not a particularly bad article, but it doesn't have anything in it that makes it a particularly good one, either. I think most of this article needs a significant rewrite that focuses on satire and humor rather than simply inventing a Toyota corporation that exists in a parallel universe. You could satirize, I don't know, the Ford Pinto or the Japanese takeover of the industry. There's material here, but it isn't being used.

Concept: 6 The concept of a satire of Toyota is a good one. The problem is that this article doesn't really satirize Toyota. Instead, it mostly just vandalizes Toyota's Wikipedia page.
Prose and formatting: 4 There are typos and usage errors all over the place here - really, too many to list in a Pee Review. Strongly consider taking it to UN:PS, where someone will fix it right up for you.
Images: 6 They're fine, in that they pretty up the article, but they aren't funny, and the captions aren't funny, either, except maybe the one where you explain (or, rather, conspicuously don't explain) why the Loyola truck is clearly marked "Toyota."
Miscellaneous: 5 Five!
Final Score: 25 I'd like to see this made funnier. So: think of some jokes, and tell them. And sorry again that we didn't get around to reviewing your article for a month.
Reviewer: Tinymasaru.gifpillow talk 16:27, 28 October 2008 (UTC)
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