Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Lord Sauron
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Now I'm no fancy, big-city writer like that there guildernsternstein ... stern .... stein .... what with his featured articles and what-not. But I'd really appreciate you kind folks takin' the time to review my article on that felluh Lord Sauron. I'd really like to get some of that - nah what do you Yankee northern types call it? Constructive Criticism, that's that thing.
*Wrings straw hat nervously with anticipation*
CrabPope 22:48, 15 March 2009 (UTC)
|Humour:||5||Has some good lines, but needs more fleshing out. The running gag about macing would be better if it was broken up with more gags in between iterations. The pompous Victorian verbiage was nicely done. The political satire is a little blunt (political party I dislike is evil!) but hey, this is the internet and that sort of this is pretty popular here.
I'd lose (or heavilyrewrite) the Criticism section; it's too random and not very funny.
|Concept:||5||I'm in two minds about the concept. I love the premise, Lord Sauron in the House of Lords. I just think that what it needs is research. The British history aspect needs more work. If the politics, personalities and events of his premiership were closer to some known events of the era, it would make the fantasy elements stand out more. Also, pick wars and people appropriate to timeframe (Crimean War instead of Boer War; Peel comes before Disraeli, etc., was the "asylum seeker" issue really that big in the 1860s?)
Another possible angle would be to keep the history element vague, but make the LOTR aspect stronger - Gandalf as leader of the opposition; Saruman crosses the floor and splits the party; etc. Basically, you're bringing two disparate concepts together, and I really think it would help if the article were truer to at least one of them.
Also the article needs a better ending - what caused Sauron to lose office? Defeat in an election? The destruction of the One Ring? Dismissed by Queen Victoria for accidentally macing Prince Albert to death at Royal Ascot? What did he do when he retired? Is his great-great grandson the current Earl still around?
|Prose and formatting:||8||Very lucid and readable. Maybe use quote tags for longer quotations. Also, maybe break up some of your longer sentences into two or three smaller ones. If a sentence runs for an entire four line paragraph, it's probably too long.
Take for example "He is well remembered in the United Kingdom as the first Prime Minister to exist solely as a manifestation of pure evil, a tradition that has long been carried out by subsequent Conservative politicians. " Too long, and also the second clause disagrees with the first - his evil nature is a novelty for Prime Ministers in the beginning, a tradition for politicians in the end. In two sentences, this becomes "He is well remembered in the United Kingdom as the first Prime Minister to exist solely as a manifestation of pure evil. Since then, all Conservative politicians have followed his lead."
Like I say, this is a minor quibble. Generally, the writing is very well done.
|Images:||6||Excellent image; needs more. How about Sauron having tea with Queen Victoria, or a Victorian political cartoon manipulated in some way?|
|Final Score:||30||I know I haven't given it a great score, but I really think this article could be great. As I said, I love the premise; I just think it needs to be less abstract and more firmly anchored in Victorian history, LOTR lore, or both.|
|Reviewer:||--Cap'n Sir Ben GUN WotM VFH VFP 12:25, 16 March 2009 (UTC)|
Thanks for the in-depth review, I'll try and make the article less wacky and more Victorian/Lotr-esque. PS I really like your idea about Gandalf being the leader of the opposition, mind if I borrow it?--CrabPope 15:56, 16 March 2009 (UTC)