Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Longinquusimperiumaperophobia

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edit Longinquusimperiumaperophobia

This was my first mainspace article. I want to improve it, because I know it definitely has room for it. I want some good advice. Thanks! Staircase CUNt 03:07, 7 July 2009 (UTC)

Humour: 7 Ok, the humour in your article isn't bad, you have some solid jokes and you write well. However your execution of the humour is, in my opinion, where your article falls down. You have some parts of your article where your jokes seem redundant and punch-lines feel unnecessary, this is coupled with parts of your article that feel perfect for a joke of some kind. Also I think that while, obviously, you are writing this article for humour, you don't need to make it so obvious. In your preamble you talk about John, who suffers with this affliction, however this is far too in-your-face and you should perhaps consider making it more subtle (More on this below). Also, an article about a medical affliction should be purely factual and should avoid addressing the reader. It is better to say 'Longinquusimperiumaperophobia is a serious condition that results in severe panic attacks in the vicinity of remote controls of any description' than 'Longinquusimperiumaperophobia is a very dangerous condition, if you think someone you know has it, get them help straight away.'
Concept: 6 It is a good concept that is marred by what I see as the wrong tone for your article. Ideally your tone should directly parody an article on phobias at wikipedia. Take a look at abnormality for a good example, also look up a phobia on wikipedia and see what tone they use. When I write (yeah I know) I find having a wikipedia article that is related to mine, open at the same time helps you get the tone of your article right. Note how the authors of those articles remain detached from the reader and stick to giving info on the condition. I think if you follow their lead in this regard your article will be stronger for it. Saying 'You see, John has Longinquusimperiumaperophobia' is unprofessional and undermines any professionalism you may have had, breaking this professionalism throughout the article is what makes the article even more amusing. There is no need to rewrite totally and I would suggest rearranging over this, you have some good jokes and it would be a shame to lose them in a rewrite.
Prose and formatting: 6 Your prose are generally fine, though I would recommend proofreading it another couple of times just to get rid of the couple of typos and grammar errors that are still lurking about. I would definitely, however, take another look at the sentence structure, your syntax seems confused in a lot of places and you are breaking up jokes with sentence division. You say 'Ever since the diagnosis of the fear spiked, the sale of televisions with remotes have plummeted. People with this fear are switching to the good ol' knob TVs.' The full stop breaks what could be a promising joke, you could put something in between that like '..plummeted, and because people are fickle and stupid, people with this fear etc etc'. Your image to text ratio is ok, though I would say that one more would be better for your article.
Images: 7 The images you have at the moment are reasonably well done and a good size. Again, however, take a look at wikipedia and try and use one of their boxes which summarise diseases, or add another image to break up the text at the bottom of the page. Otherwise your existing images don't need much work.
Miscellaneous: 6.5 My overall grade of the article.
Final Score: 32.5 I think your article has the makings of brilliance, but is held back by what feels like the wrong tone. I implore you to revisit this and then resubmit the article as your jokes are good, they just need the correct context and tone to really shine. A couple of quick proofreads, which I would recommend you do yourself, would also do wonders for your article, which, I think, has the potential to be excellent. Good luck with any editing.
Reviewer: --ChiefjusticeDS 06:39, 7 July 2009 (UTC)
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