Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Liverpool Echo
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- My tarot cards are telling me to review this article in the next 24 hours. (talk) 05:03, April 3, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||3||Well let's see. Another Britland article. Joy. Well, I'll do my best.
You don't have very many outright jokes in this article. Most of your humor you're trying to derive from the concept which will be discussed later. In the intro you have one joke, the city names. This joke doesn't really work for me as the names of the first two cities are not based enough on well-known cities. I can kind of see what you're going for in that you're adding typical English suffixes on to the end of a city name. It took me a little bit to see this, though, as it currently looks like it could be onebigasslongnamewithactualwords but it isn't which makes the reader take a little time to figure that out. I think, if you want to keep this joke, you should use more recognizable names. For example, you could change one of them to Worcestershiregrandfordchester upon Avon. Not a very good example, I know, but it's easier to tell what you're trying to do with the city names. Going back to the original joke, it confuses me as to why the journalists from Liverpool would be giving guns to people from different cities. Maybe make this more clear in your article.
The next section doesn't really contain any jokes. You say that they recycle headlines every week, but that isn't really a joke. You then give 7 headlines that they might use, but again there aren't any jokes here. This is a huge problem in a comedy article, especially when you're dealing with a topic such as shootings. A number of comics don't deal with death as a rule (as well as Cracked.com, they don't trust that their writers can pull it off tastefully enough,) but you seem to have a pretty good concept for this topic so you should be sure not to ruin it with just using violence as the main "humor" part of your article which you seem to have done for this section.
In the last section, the quote is a little long, especially since you have a decent joke that is buried in there by all of the seemingly needless talk. I would recommend cutting out everything after the "they aren't killing enough." part of the quote. The rest just seems to ramble on and makes the reader less likely to read it closely. The second paragraph deals with how Liverpool isn't as bad as other cities, this conflicts with what you've set up earlier in the article. You could say something about how the journalists from Liverpool took the idea from journalists in these other cities, or that they've started shipping guns to those cities to keep the violence in Liverpool down by comparison, but as is it doesn't make very much sense to me. The final paragraph doesn't seem completed to me, but that will be discussed later.
|Concept:||6||Your concept is pretty good and it's kept fairly constant throughout the article. As I've already mentioned you seem to branch away from your concept when you talk about the cities that have worse violence than Liverpool. However, the main thing I find wrong with this article is the execution of your concept, especially in the second section. In the first section you set up the concept of a newspaper that causes the violence that they report on in order to get higher sales. However, in the second section you say that they recycle the headlines every week. These two things conflict with each other as recycling headlines would lower newspaper sales. Instead you could have them do "Mad lib" headlines so that they're "recycled" with different words, but still the same for all intensive purposes. The whole concept seems to break down in the final paragraph as well. The joke about Fox wanting to report in Liverpool is ok as a sign out line, but the competition line doesn't really make very much sense especially since you don't expand on what the competition is, you just say there is one. Extrapolate on what the competition is and throw in a couple jokes, you could have a whole new section on your hands.|
|Prose and formatting:||8||Your prose is good for an encyclopedia article for the most part, and the formatting is good as well. However, there are a couple things that I'd like to address in this section. I've already said that the first sentence of the last paragraph is really awkward since you never say what the competition is about. I also think that you should choose whether or not you're going to capitalize all nouns or just proper nouns as, currently, you capitalize a couple nouns, but not others (like Newspaper in the last paragraph.) The quote from FOX is also a little awkward as it seems like you're missing at least one word in there. I would recommend reading through the entire article again to iron out any little things like that. Afterthought: You could do with a lot more links, always a good thing to have links. They don't all have to be joke links.
For the formatting, you have it down really well. You do have a little too much white space for my liking at the beginning of the article, but it's up to you how/if you want to fix that. Other than that I don't think I can say anything else on formatting. Good job.
|Images:||6||First of all, I think you could find a much better picture than the one you have. It looks like the kid is about to cry when you should probably have him looking happy that he can "defend" himself. I would recommend going to The potatochoppers for this one. One of them could easily make a photo of a person buying clothes that is receiving a gun as well, or a rack of clothes with guns attached to them. As for the caption I think you should just add an "also" in there so it reads "were also offered.." to make it seem more like part of the article. The caption itself isn't laugh-out-loud funny, so if you can think of something funnier you should change it, but it's pretty good as is. If you end up expanding this article further you should get another picture because you're just on the boundary of an article that needs two pictures right now.|
|Miscellaneous:||5||Overall "feel" of the article.|
|Final Score:||28||This still needs a bit of work, but if you keep working at it, it could be really good.|