Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Lionel Richie Ceiling Dance Conspiracy Theory
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- As soon as I learn how to dance on the ceiling, I'll review this (look for it within 24 hours). WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 17:43, October 14, 2009 (UTC)
|Humour:||4||Who is Why?' I like to begin my reviews with introducing myself so you know where your reviewer is coming from. I'm the current NotM and am also nominated for RotM, plus have two articles currently up for VFH, so some people think I don't totally suck. On the other hand, I know little about Lionel Richie, but am somewhat familiar with conspiracy theories, and have danced (badly) on stage in a college musical or two, but not yet on the ceiling. But of course you're free to ignore anything I say as it's not my article.
I tend to put my comments for Humor and for Prose and Formatting together so I don't repeat myself more than necessary, but do score them separately.
I think the writing is generally good. There are some nice parts, but I'm not sure they all fit together. The writing style moves from -encyclopedic ("The Linonel Richie Conspiracy Theory is the belief...."), then blatant editorialising ("...win this war...ahem...race") then back to encyclopedic ("Even people who believe that it is theoretically possible for human-beings...."), then to what seems to here be called "random" ("...understandably at times, present saliva.").
Most of the rest of this I'll divide into paragraphs that more-or-less match those in the article.
"...allowed to permeate." Unless I'm mistaken, "permeate" needs a noun--"permeate our culture," for example. Maybe you could use "...allowed to spread" or "...allowed to continue." " The Linonel (Lionel) Richie Conspiracy Theory...."--this sentence is really long; very rarely do you want a sentence longer than about 25 words. I'd split it up.
Motivations for Supposed Conspiracy
In the mid-eighties...the
"...spend their time on through out the last quarter-century...."--I'm not sure what wording you want here; maybe "...spend their time throughout the last quarter-century...." "....quarter-century than wearing through...."--I suspect you wanted a word other than "wearing." But why would people spend a quarter century looking at one video? For the reader to be convinced people would do something so outlandish, the article has to show them why.
Physical Limitations of Lionel Richie
"...- oxygen through a wireless connection - ..."--I don't know what this means. "- have propagated (propogated)...."--this sentence is very long, and may lose the reader. "Do these key-tapping doughnut fiddlers...."--does this description relate to this article? "...unpatriotism is not only not a word...."--this might work, except it comes from nowhere--where did the article imply these people were unpatriotic? And how does this relate to sperm count? "...a horny Richie spokesman said..."--why "horny?"
"...overly tight designer Allen radiation belt...."--how would this make dancing upside down impractical--it seems to me like a tight belt would help. "...over-trendy seventies style solar flared pants...."--why are these impractical upside down? If you gave reasons for these, they could work. And I like how you tie space imagery into his clothing. "...sporadic coronal mass erections...."--do you mean "erections" or "eruptions?" And how would having gas (I assume that's what this is referring to) make it harder to be on the ceiling? If anything, it seems like that would make it easier (Zepplins, balloons, etc. float by being filled with gas).
Lack of Visible Stars
"Another problem for the irrational."--I think making this a complete sentence would be better, or cut this sentence. I don't understand why dancing on a ceiling would means stars would be visible or not visible. If this is a specific reference to something that happened in a two-decades old video, you need to fill the reader in on it. And if it's a reference to the moon landing, the reader still needs to know how dancing on a ceiling relates to visible stars.
Four shadows sounds like some type of conspiracy evidence, so that's good. Although sadly "The Shadows" will likely be completely unknown to many modern Americans, the photo gives us an idea who they are. But what is a British group doing on a Lionel Richie video? And while mixing shadows with The Shadows can work for a brief joke, I don't know that it's strong enough to carry a whole section. And what's are "...satisfied sixties' badgers?"
If a robot that looks like Lionel Richie is ridiculous, why does Marcus Allen believe this? Although the sticky feet with Allen not having an explanation may work, and the reaction of just snapping back fits what happens sometimes in real life, so good.
Third-Party Evidence of Richie's Ceiling Dance
"...fire lasers at his head...."--where did this come from? Were there people firing lasers at his head in the video? If so that needs to be mentioned. Again, remember most people reading this article will have never seen the video and, even if they have, will likely not remember it very clearly. Or if this is a reference to the space program, you need to make a connection with ceiling dancing.
"...Richie's moon dance...."--where did this come from? There's no reference to him dancing on the moon before or after this quote.
'Would Lionel have sung a song called 'Dancing on the Ceiling' if he was unable to do so?"--I found this section amusing, something like "you can believe I'm telling the truth because I'm telling you I am."
|Concept:||3.5||Frankly, I think here's the article's main problem. Trying to make a huge governmental conspiracy out of a music video showing someone dancing on the ceiling is a huge stretch. Also your concept seems to change along the way--first it's a pop culture war, then later him dancing on the ceiling is related to the moon landing, but the connection is never explained.|
|Prose and formatting:||5||My comments are in Humour.|
|Images:||7.5||I think the number of photos you have is good for the article. Dancing on the ceiling--maybe caption could be "What a feeling, dancing on the ceiling." I like the government spending chart, although sky rocket means going up but Richie's going down, but I think that's fine as a contrast. The Richie and the Shadows photo is just a little too fake looking to me--fake is fine, but maybe just a little better so it looks like they at least made an attempt to fool us. I like the clay head, but don't know why it had to be made by a blind person. And I think the moon surface as plaster works.|
|Miscellaneous:||5||Average of above.|
|Final Score:||25||It may be difficult to expand your concept, but I think if you get that clear then you can work on bringing your elements together. Feel free to let me know on my talk page if you work on this some more.|
|Reviewer:||WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 06:28, October 15, 2009 (UTC)|