Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Last Thursday

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edit Last Thursday

NeuroticNinjaPirate666 18:00, July 16, 2010 (UTC)

Ok, i'm onto it. --Some Idiot Image002 00:42, July 17, 2010 (UTC)
Humour: 3 In my opinion, there's not much humor here. It's just a page full of completely random stuff you've made up about Last Thursday. The first two paragraphs don't even make sense, and you only start talking about the actual subject in the third paragraph. Plus, pretty much all of your article is in the introduction. I think I'll just go through each section and give you my advice. I'll also cover most of the formatting stuff here too. Don' worry about the scores, just use my advice, because we're just trying to make this article the best it can be.
  • First Paragraph:

This is a kind of random beginning and doesn't make sense at all. Either cut this whole bit out, or at least make it clear what you're trying to say here, and move them down a bit, because they're not much of an introduction. You're just rambling too much.

  • Second Paragraph

I think you should move this bit out of the introduction and make this paragraph a bit clearer. What IS the Thursdaimer? Is it the evil essence of last thursday? A monster that can only survive on Thursday? A personification of bad things that happen on thursday? Or is it someone POSSESSED by Last Thursday, or someone who WORSHIPS it? This paragraph has got potential, but you've got to tell was what you're talking about before you describe it.

  • The Rest of the Paragraphs in the Intro

The next paragraphs have more understandable content, but they're too short to be good. Think about the idea you've created in these one-liner paragraphs and build on them, juice out everything you can. Then take them out of the over-large introduction and give them header sections. I think the first little paragraph you may want to keep for the introduction, or you could just make a new one.

  • Origins

This paragraph starts off with some good potential and humor but just dissipates in complete randomness, like the other paragraphs. After the bit about the comic it just becomes completely impossible to understand. Once again, cut out most of this and then build on the idea of Last Thursday coming from this dinosaur comic, making it clear what you're trying to say. How did it originate in this comic? What the dinosaurs got to do with it?

  • WARNING SIGNS

This is an alright paragraph, but after the little introduction, state that these are signs of the Thursdaimer, instead of saying it in the list. So it should look like this:

Here we have listed some of the signs that you are in the presence of the Thursdaimer, and is for information only. Consult with a qualified professional.

  • You forget week old information.
  • You believe that every Thanksgiving that was on a Thursday.
  • You become confused with time or place. People with Thursdaimer's can lose track of dates, seasons and the passage of time. They may have trouble understanding something if it is not happening this week.
Concept: 4 This is kind of weird concept but there is potential in here for you to really juice out everything. You haven't written much really.
Prose and formatting: 3 As I said, this is all quite random, and in that sense the prose isn't that good. It doesn't look messy or bland but it doesn't have any pictures so I can't rate you very high on that either.
Images: 0 You didn't have any images, and that's a bit of a problem. Luckily, that could easily be remedied, as there could be a range of pictures out there that you could use. Get a picture of a huge dinosaur destroying a city and label it - 'many bad things happen Last Thursday'. Get a picture of Hitler and state that he was born Last Thursday, which proves how evil Last Thursday is. Get a picture of the front cover of "Dinosaur Comics", which you should probably request for here. You could get the picture score up to seven or eight if you really tried, you've just got to make an effort finding some pictures.
Miscellaneous: 6 If I could give your article a score as it is, I would probably write '4', but there's potential here for a quality article and you've just got to build on your ideas, so I'm saying this is an 'improvement score'.
Final Score: 16 THis is a short, random, mostly unfunny article that could easily be put on VFD. BUT - it has a good chance to be a very good article. Just cut out most the random stuff, get some pictures, follow my advice, and it will be a VERY good article. Think about what you want to say - is Last Thursday a miracle, or it is an evil thing, the origin of all that is bad? The try to convey that when you write. You're trying to tell something to your reader here and it can be much more interesting if it has a bit of meaning then just a whole slab of random facts and ramblings. I know I've said a lot of bad stuff about this article, but I'm not trying to attack it, only improve it, an it WILL improve if you try. I hoped this helped. If you have any questions visit my talk page.
Reviewer: --Some Idiot Image002 01:12, July 17, 2010 (UTC)
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