Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/LEGO (quick)

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edit LEGO

El Cheeso 08:11, 26 June 2009 (UTC)

I will do this one, please. Nameable mumble? 20:57, 26 June 2009 (UTC)

Humour: 4 I'm going to go on the assumption that this article is not finished. If it is, it doesn't look finished. (It has an ICU tag on it, so that's a fairly good indication). But anyway, now let me explain the low score. First I will do good points:
  • The sexually frustrated part? A clever observation, and I think this could really carry the article. I thought that was actually pretty funny.
  • Teenage Male LEGOs don't know how to spend 90% of their time. Also funny. A good line.
  • I see where you are coming from with the North Koreans joke, but it isn't quite there yet. It has potential, though.

And now I will do suggested improvements:

  • The sexually frustrated part is good. But it could be better. You could have it as a sort of recurring theme throughout the article, as in, every so often (not too often), popping in the fact that they have no way to scratch their balls or something. This relies on you adding more, and not overdoing it.
  • The North Koreans joke needs a rewording of the sentence structure, I believe. This is how I would do the intro: "LEGO is a play set, originally made in Denmark, that depicts the almost-perfect Communist society. Everything and everyone in this society looks and behaves almost exactly the same. The people are all very short, lack any type of genitalia and also lack any capability of free thought. As such, they are frequently mistaken for North Koreans. This confusion is not helped by the fact that they do not talk to foreigners and also hate America (a fact which led them to assassinate JFK.)
  • The Michael Jackson joke with the whole unknown dancer? Don't get it. I don't even get how it could be funny. It's up to you, but I would just stop the section at the "Rights For Things That Aren't Alive Association", or move on to another aspect of puberty.

Finally, I would like to add this. It needs more. I know saying "more" doesn't really help, so here are a few quick ideas.

  • Section on puberty: Expand to mention how their physical features DO NOT ALTER at all (similar to North Koreans, kind of).
  • Section on a typical day: Expand to mention how some of them have "jobs". This means nothing, except they are constantly dressed as a fireman/doctor etc.
  • A new section on their beliefs possibly?
  • A new section on their schooling system (or lack of it)?
  • A new section on their fashions?
Concept: 3 Lego is a very popular product, well known around the world. So an article on Lego needs to be pretty good. Here, you have no clear concept, that I can see. What was it? I think you have a few good jokes in here, slotted around, but no real linking theme. So far we have jumped from "A day in the life" to an encyclopedic bit about puberty? This may just need more material, to make it read better, but a good concept would help massively. Think: what is the aim of this article. Is it to be funny, whilst talking about Lego people as if they were real? Is it to be funny, whilst talking about Lego people as if they were a species? Is it to be funny, whilst talking about the various life stages of Lego people? Think of a concept, a solid one, that you can add to, and you will do well.
Prose and formatting: 4 Generally, your prose and formatting was fine. You bolded the first word of the article as well! It's nice seeing someone who can spell assassination correctly! Here are just a few things I have learnt from my short time on the site:
  • Quotes are generally frowned upon. They're often considered lazy and unfunny. However, in this instance, seeing as you only have one, I think it's actually quite good, so you can keep it.
  • Templates, either work really well or make the page look really ugly. Yours could be alright, if got rid of the slashthroughs. They look horrific. But by all means keep the template: but get rid of the slashthroughs and find something funnier to go in there.
  • Length. As I have already mentioned, keep adding sections, mate!
  • Title. Typing "Lego" in the search bar redirects to Lego bricks. If I were you, move this to an article called Lego People, to make absolutely clear the difference. You also may want to add a "Whoops! Were you looking for...?" tag to the Lego bricks article linking to yours if you do that.
Images: 3 You have one image, which is fine. Nice work for putting one in. It's also clear, and a decent size. Good choice. Now, If I were you, I would move the image up to the top, but that doesn't really matter. Also, the caption is a bit bland, and I'm sure you can think of something better than that. How about "Here is a teenage LEGO boy. Can't you see him just straining to reach his crotch?" If you were to add more to this article (which I strongly suggest you do), you would need to add another image. But, for now, the images are fine.
Miscellaneous: 3 Mumble gumble miscellaneous rumble.
Final Score: 17 Two things:
  1. Confused. This review was submitted by ElCheeso, who has done most to the article. However, the article is in User:Iseditor's userspace. I hope you are still working on this together, and he has not just moved it. If there is sockpuppetry involved (as in one person, multiple accounts), that's wrong, if you are just agreeing to work in his userspace, that's cool.
  2. This isn't a particularly high score, but don't worry. You will get better with time. The key now is to keep practising. Write some more, finish it off, hopefully, and then come back for a Pee Review. Maybe take into account some of my advice. And finally, good luck!
Reviewer: Nameable mumble? 21:37, 26 June 2009 (UTC)
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