Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Kylie Mole
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22.214.171.124 01:17, December 2, 2011 (UTC)
- I'll do this. Expect it done in the next couple days, if you're even still around to notice. I'll assume you are, though, to justify why I shall bother. 06:57, 12 January 2012
The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
|I should probably disclaim that I'm really out of it right now, and have been thusly for the better part of the |
I have no idea who this gal is, but from the looks of things, I won't be the only one, so you should probably incorperate some actual discription before (or whilst) twisting it completely (although it usually doesn't hurt to do that in general including on more obvious topics, either, this supposedly being an encyclopaedia and all). A link to the Wikipedia article on the real gal herself probably wouldn't hurt, either, just so folks can get a quick gist if they need it.
Anyway, from the beginning, the quotes ain't that good. I mean, sure, they're actual things and thus already far more applicable than most of the quotes on articles, but they're still not actually funny, more just sort of there than anything else. Add to that that you mention the songs in the very next sentence, and there's even less reason to have the quotes, since they're just redundant... introduction has some good misdirection, though most of it doesn't really take any of it far enough to actually make it funny, despite being on the right track. Would it be possible to take the statements further and actually twist them against folks' expectations, emphasising the whys of things? The bit about her fading into obscurity because she's not blonde like the other does this, but what about the next thing - why would she still be popular in eastern europe? Expand on the statements, build up to jokes, and transition from thing to thing, or all they'll be is random ideas, and random ideas won't do much for readers.
When she changes her name from Mologue, trying to avoid copyright claims and whatnot, from whom is she trying to avoid them? Expand, explain, and before interrupting yourself - even for those who get the reference, seeing it played out gives them more of a chance to feel good about themselves for getting it right. I mean, absorb the joke. Unfortunately, while the emu is a nice bit of randomness, it interrupts that where it is. Jealousy also doesn't really do much, here, either. Even if it's true (is it?), it's just not funny, nor does it actually explain why she'd have to change her name. Maybe that's just an organisational issue, though. Reording the paragraph so it leads back to that might resolve it.
Early Life and Identity
A lot of this seems unnecessary, and while it doesn't go to the extremes of random a lot of articles do, could do with some cutting down - stereotyping Australia so blatantly isn't nearly so funny as it could be if more subtlely worked into the rest of it like the emu thing was, for instance, and mentioning the date of birth doesn't really do anything for it. Her strange career hunt could be pretty funny, though expanding on this could help. How did it actually go? Any success? Did this lead to her acting?
The never aging thing is a little strange. I can see where you're coming from, considering the role she played, but the different theories make it seem more whacky than believable, and the same goes for the identity part. Just sticking to something might help, though, and just stating it as fact, and explaining that this lack of aging is why she winds up playing a schoolgirl or whatever for so long...
Porn ain't inherently funny, though the bleaching hair thing is a start - children usually have lighter hair than adults, so it's a little ironic, but you need to make readers notice that irony for it to actually amuse. And did she have to look older so as to get past minimum-age laws for pornography, by any chance?
So how can you put a spin on the Amiga thing? In the enwp article, that link distracted me immensely, but why is it funny that a schoolgirl would be promoting a personal computer? Considering the time, that could well be something. But make it something; currently it ain't anything.
So what were these pieces actually like? Why were they successful? The Gaga thing should probably be at the end of the Music section, since that would be the legacy of it, not something as it happened (less confusing ordering things more chronologically).
The rivalry just confuses me, and the seduction seems rather meh... how can this be made relevant to the readers, perhaps? Or twisted somehow that isn't just like a bad soap flick? Or if it is to be like a bad soap flick, emphasise the role of Minogue's soap flick more? I don't know...
This is just a list - you should probably either expand on what they all actually do (like with Britney Spears, except more than that, a paragraph each, perhaps?) or lose it entirely.
This just seems a little too random. Yes, she's a perpetual schoolgirl, but it doesn't actually have anything to do with her, does it?
That, and pedobear is kind of just done to death already.
Except for the hot chick one, these links seem sensible enough. I suppose. Not all that much point in them being there, but they're not really hurting the article, either.
The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
|Character as the person, that's workable. Execution could use some work, but that's generally covered above. And it does explain fairly well what's going on, so that's good.
As for expansion ideas, something about her family, perhaps? How hard would it be for a schoolgirl to get married, after all? Could be worth exploring... and has anything particularly odd happened in the shows, or... I don't know. Just go with something that follows with the rest of it, I guess.
|Prose and formatting |
Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
|Writing's not terrible, decent grammar, main problems just seem to be fluency issues. You can make sentences longer to tie particular things to each other, for instance, like when one thing is directly related to or because of another, use a comma and put in some transitive ward saying it's because of or directly related instead of breaking them apart. Should help with some of the jokes, and there are also just a lot of choppy sentences in this, currently, which makes it a little harder to read.
Another thing is the paragraphing - when there's a new idea, make a new paragraph. Like the line about the Amiga ad, that should go in a new paragraph like it does in the enwp article. That section should probably actually be three paragraphs in total...
Your external links seem to be references, so you might as well make them like references - put them in <ref></ref> tags where they are and then put a <references/> at the end of the article and they'll all show up down there fancy-like.
The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
|Images are decent, though maube they could be a little bigger. Do well illustrating what's there and all, though, but you might want to work on the captions. She means serious business, but what is she actually up to? Might be room for a joke there, besides it just being a funny picture in general.
The porn one might work better if more subtle - that is, after all, one very long togue, and such things indicate, shall we say, certain skillfulness - so mention how she demonstrated certain skills useful in the porn industry, or... something.
As for the cover, yes it is the cover, but what about it? Come on, surely there's something to say about that... what is she doing, even?
Anything else... or not...
|Fish are terrible, horrible creatures and they should be exterminated from the face of the earth.|
|Final score |
07:14, 15 January 2012
|Decent start here; hopefully this review will still be of use, not be too daunting, and actually give you something to work with. Sorry it took so long to get it reviewed. Best of luck to you. I'm going to pass out now.|