Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Kingdom of the Two Sicilies
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|Humour:||5||Ok, this is an interesting article with a lot of potential, however the execution really lets it down. The two main things holding it back as far as I can see are: 1. a lack of focus, and 2. awkward prose. I will deal with the latter in prose and formatting.
There is some good humour in here, particularly at the start. Your opening paragraph is fine - the prose is pretty good, it introduces the idea really well and makes you want to read on. I really like the way it reads like a short story at this point.
However, as it goes on it tends to lose focus. The next part, Combustible Bishops also starts well (the idea of the king being happy to have more land is funny), but it quickly becomes a bit random, and then the rest of the article follows suit. Although the first two parts are definitely salvageable, the last two are very messy and full of nonsense. Sometimes random humour can be good, but it has to be consistent. I would highly recommend you stick to the narrative format that your article begins with. Don't let it fade away as it goes on as it is definitely your strongest point.
The next part, An Interesting Observation, is the same. It has some good jokes (I liked the Pocorelli vs. Pocorelli bit). But it is around this point your article really veers off into madness. The part after that, Problems with Name, is very unfocused and difficult to follow. Again there are some good ideas (people getting lost, people stealing their clones' lives), but these need to be expanded. Go into detail about what happened, describe specific events rather than just mentioning them as tendencies, follow some characters as it happens to them. Basically, weave these good ideas into a flowing narrative (I will make this point more later).
As for the latter half of your article, mentions of redshirts, Napolean and DNA copying machines don't really add anything. Stay away from randomness like this, you should focus only on things relevant to The Kingdom. If you haven't already, read HTBFANJS, and maybe take a look at what Wikipedia has to say for ideas, the more fact-based the better. Try finding a running joke or two to make it feel more consistent, or try to satirise something - Italian culture or the historical period, for example.
I would also suggest you get rid of opening quotes. Sometimes they are good, yes, but these don't really make sense.
The final part, which I guess you could describe as the punchline of the article, doesn't really work. It kind of feels like the whole article was just an elaborate set up for this fairly poor joke. I'm not saying delete it per se, you could keep it perhaps as a song the people of the Two Sicilies sing, and then maybe make a remark about the Sinatra family going to America and stealing it.
|Concept:||8||As I said, your concept is good, but its potential needs to be realised. Overall it would definitely work better as a sort of surreal story, like you pitched it above. Either follow the history of the island over a long period of time (and keep it as plausible as possible) or focus characters as they react to the strange goings on. Make it more like a short story (which for the first three parts, it kind of is, before it veers off into silliness in the middle). It doesn't necessarily have to be an UnBook, but this is someting to think about. I found myself remembering this when I read it. The two articles aren't that alike, but it should give you a good example of how to write it like a story. Note how it covers a large subject and timespan but stays focussed, and also flows like a story, with a clear beginning, middle, end.
Try to take your funny parts (described above) and spin them into narrative events instead of just listing them. You already have a large cast of characters who you could have them happen to, including Mario Sinatra, Professor Luigi and the King of Naples. They all sort of disappear which I thought was a shame. All the way through I kept thinking; I want to know more about the confrontation between the two Sicilies, which shows there is potential you could tap here. I kept expecting them to go to war or something. By making it more of a story, you can improve the flow and expand your central concept, which is something I would definitely like to see more of.
|Prose and formatting:||4||To be honest, this is your biggest problem. The prose is pretty awkward throughout your article, and your spelling and grammar is consistently incorrect. Ordinarily I would correct such mistakes and give you a higher score, but as it's hard to tell what you meant in places, I wasn't sure I could render them correctly.
Having done some stalking, I have learned that English is not your native language. Not to worry though, there are plenty of nice people here who will help you with it, including myself. I will be happy to help with any advice or editing on spelling/grammar/prose. There is also the proofreading service for spelling and grammar checks.
Don't be discouraged by these comments, as a non-native speaker you already write English better than a lot of people who have lived in England for generations. If you do indeed live in England I'm sure you've noticed that already. I also see that some people have already helped you with the article, so just keep at it, and don't be afraid to ask.
I'll go through a few parts here so you know what I mean. In Combustible Bishops you've got "any common or garden despot". I wasn't sure what you meant by that. In Interesting Observation you've got "equally ceased to exist" and "Since that decision of the Supreme Court of Kingdom of The Two Sicilies was the following". In Problems with Name - "Nobody knew to which Sicily they shall go/send something" and "excluding spontaneous combustion history". Do you see how these are hard to follow? You need to make your prose as clear as possible so people can understand your jokes.
Finally, when dong elipses (...) you should stick to three dots, sometimes you use just two, be consistent.
|Images:||1||There is only one picture, and it isn't exactly hilarious. You need more, and funny ones. The standard non-joke one is ok for the top, but the others need to be funny. It doesn't matter if the picture itself is plain, as long as you have good captions. Check out this article for a good example of mundane pictures that are saved by funny captions.|
|Miscellaneous:||4.5||I averaged your points here, as I was not sure what else to score.
I would suggest you get rid of the countries and territories template though, seeing as the kingdom isn't actually on it. Maybe you could ask someone to put it on there for you (someone more important than me, of course).
|Final Score:||22.5||What you have here is a good idea that needs focus. I really feel like continuing the narrative-style you begin with is a good way to realise this focus, and well as expand some of your good jokes. I really, really liked that opening paragrph. However, I trust you to use your own judgement when it comes to pulling the article together. The key thing you need to remember is to avoid random humour and jokes that have no relevance to the subject matter. And as I stated above, work on the prose any way you can, as it is your biggest detractor. To finish, well done on an imaginitive idea and some good jokes. Don't let the low score get you down, the numbers here aren't important. What is important is the comments. Get back to me if you need clarification or further help.|
|Reviewer:||--Hugs and kisses, Black_Flamingo 14:39, January 8, 2010 (UTC)|