Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/José Mourinho
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Rewrite that took longer than expected. I'm reasonably happy with it (it's better than what was there, that I'm sure of!) I just want to know how it works from the perspective of one of those there American chappies who don't have the faintest clue who he is. So a review from a proud son of the states only please. And in-depth as well - that goes without saying. --UU - natter 10:27, Dec 30
Well, gosh-- I'm an American, and I've got some free time... so why not? • • • Tuesday, 22:30, Jan 5 2010
|Hi there! This big ol' grin must mean this article|
is being reviewed by:
• • •
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider
GOING AWAY and REVIEWING SOMETHING ELSE).
(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing
at 22:30, January 5, 2010 (UTC)
feel free to remove it and give Necropaxx a swift kick up the butt for being such a loser).
|Humour:||8.5||I must confess - I looked up his entry to see what I should expect. A controversial, not-so-winningful soccer coach? OK, I'm ready to review this.
Intro: This is a great introduction and sets the tone of the article perfectly. I am reminded of Rafael Nadal. That's a very good thing. One small suggestion though - make sure the reader knows it is a soccer coach and not an American football coach - add "Portuguese coach" or another word that clearly makes a distinction between fùtbol and football. American readers, you know how it is...
Early Career: This section, c'est parfait. Don't change it. Crystallize it for all your neighbors to envy.
Late Career: This section is also good. I don't think you actually need to use the word "scapegoat" every time you bring it up. Find new ways to state what is happening to prevent redundancy. Also, I need you to be specific - give me examples of how he scapegoated other people. The vagueness is really quite frustrating. The quote in the Wikipedia article about he blamed Ramadan for one of his players fainting sounds like it would be good. (It's under "Controversy") But yeah, be specific and not vague. Other than that, this section is also pretty darn funny.
Management Style: The first paragraph made me jealous. So jealous. I must emulate your style, so that it may be mine. In fact, the whole section is so spot-on I am turning green. I hope you're happy.
Future Career & See Also: Again, very well written. The idea of Mourinho as Pope was delightful to comprehend. Jesus as a "muscular lone savior" was an excellent line, not to mention a great way to wrap up your running gag. The See Also section could be expanded more - just tack on any article that can be connected with Jose to make it a little longer than it is now and you're set.
|Concept:||8||Jose Mourinho as a tactical genius - if I hadn't looked up his entry on Wikipedia, I wouldn't have known that he was a loser coach. You need to make it more obvious that he is not so great at what he does - more obvious sarcasm. The Chelsea section was good, but it was alone amongst the other, dare I say, fanboy-ish sections. I apologize if I sound harsh, but I feel that this article needs to be harsher. If you can pull that off, this will be a very funny article.|
|Prose and formatting:||8.5||Your formatting is top notch - no complaints here. If I were to nitpick, however, adding a left-aligned picture wouldn't hurt. However, this is a superfluous suggestion, and ought not to be taken too seriously. Your prose is not as good. My main issue with it is that it is inconsistent - in the intro, you set the tone with grand, powerful language, but you sometimes abandon it for basic, utility language. Example: "Needless to say, José was made the scapegoat for the poor tactics of his managers, and he quickly became disillusioned as a player, and turned his focus to becoming a manager in his own right. <br> To this end, he got a job working as translator..." See how "got a job" doesn't really fit into the tone set by the previous sentence? My advice is would be to change it to something more imperative, like "secured employment," or something like that. This doesn't happen very often, just one thing I noticed.
Another nitpick are the comma splices. Evidence: "Mourinho spent much time during this period discussing tactics with Abramovich, but this eventually backfired on him, when the oligarch grew tired of watching his money being spent on not winning the Champions League, made Mourinho the scapegoat for this, and fired him." Too many commas. I see a few other sentences that are a bit long. While not comma splices, you may want to think about breaking up some sentences to help out the flow (If and only if it helps out the flow. Run-ons that enhance flow are better than nasty, brutish and short yet grammatically correct sentences.).
|Images:||8||I think that you could use another image, but it's not a big issue. All three pictures have good captions that made me smirk. However, none of these captions end with periods. Where did they all go? I also feel that the second caption or picture altogether could be a little more biting.|
|Miscellaneous:||8.5||My average grade for the article according to PRG.|
|Final Score:||41.5||It's good to see you writing again. Do some more, please?|
|Reviewer:||• • • Tuesday, 23:58, Jan 5 2010|
Thanks Necro, some excellent points there that I will be taking on board. Kinda interesting how you read his WP bio though - he's far from a loser, and is one of the more successful and sought-after coaches around. But his ego makes James Cameron look shy and retiring at times (he dubbed himself the "special one" on arrival in England. So while he's won league titles and trophies wherever he's gone, in pretty much every year, fans take great delight in pointing out that he hasn't won the Champions League again despite spending a lot of money on it!
I don't like the man, but his constant self-aggrandisement is compelling entertainment - one of his rivals in Italy has dubbed him "His Mourinhess", which I really should refer to somewhere.
He is spectacularly good at finding someone else to blame when things go wrong, as well - one poor referee endured a glut of death threats after he was blamed for one particular Chelsea failing. I was, therefore, looking to parody his own tendency to over-exaggerate his already impressive achievements. So from your review, it looks like I may need to be a bit more obvious about that!
- I was looking at his score percentage, I think it was under "Managerial stats" and his win % was hovering around 65%. That didn't seem like a lot to me, but then again I don't know soccer. • • • Thursday, 01:05, Jan 7 2010
- Well, for a comparison: Sir Alex Ferguson, most successful modern British club manager, eleven championships, two Champions Leagues, umpteen other pots (and an utter, utter arse, BTW) - win percentage? 57%. But that's beside the point - you gave stirling feedback - time to slap a template on your talk page. --UU - natter 08:30, Jan 7