Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Jones, Indiana

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edit Jones, Indiana

Rickrat 21:56, 16 December 2008 (UTC)

Humour: 1 Yikes, I would review this part by section but I don't see any use in it. There is definitely a problem with the concept, which in turn, makes everything not funny. There are two many one liners so to speak, and sections like geography didn't work at all. Even after rereading it a few times I don't understand the humor in it. Too many things you try to make funny, like the famous residents section, is stuff that actually happened in the movie. Stuff like that isn't funny, unless you stretched what happened a little bit, if that makes sense. Say it burnt down, but make the story a little longer and take it further from the truth. This while take a while to figure something out, but the end effect is much better.
Concept: 3 For the first minute I was on the page, I thought, oh this is creative, because it is his name but all twisted and whatnot. But then I realized, oh wait, this doesn't have many directions it could go. My opinion, is that you can't really do much with this topic, its just not funny. Maybe if you tried really hard you could pull it off, but as of now it just seems thrown together for reasons explained in prose. In my opinion, I would just scrap the whole thing and look for a better topic, but if your set on it, take it in another direction to make it stronger.
Prose and formatting: 2 This is a very poorly written article on top of everything else. There are many things which contribute to its, "thrown together" feel. First, every section is no more than four lines long. Some were just one line. This makes it seem very tacky. You need to flesh out this article alot and create paragraphs. Secondly, there are two many red links. Red links mean that what you are linking to hasn't been created. A good article should have little to none of these. You can do this by either getting rid of them, or by linking them to a page similar that HAS been created. Finally, there are some errors with your writing, such as "They can't find the Ark or their football neither." Comparing should be with either before the noun if "or" is used, neither is for "nor" but for this example it should be, "They can't find their Ark nor their football." I think, maybe ask someone on that.
Images: 2 The pictures are pretty weak as well. They seem like they were just taken off of google and put in. You need a bit of originality in your pictures, using photoshop or something. The map one seems pointless and I didn't get it, and the Marion one is off topic and still, not funny. Adding better pictures would definitely help out, although I don't think its worth it for this one.
Miscellaneous: 2 Average, sorry, don't mean to be that harsh, it just doesn't work.
Final Score: 10 My opinion would be to quit on this one and find a better topic. This just isn't funny, and the writing style weakens its. Create bigger paragraphs, funnier stories, and use pictures to help tell what your saying.
Reviewer: --Yodel monkey 18:23, 17 December 2008 (UTC)
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