Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Joe Biden "(quick)"

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edit Joe Biden

Projectjulio 18:47, 14 January 2009 (UTC)

I'll try to get this tonight, but if anyone wants to do it before then, go ahead. --Mnbvcxz 18:51, 14 January 2009 (UTC)

Thanks; that makes me feel very special, fuzzy and warm inside, much like someone suffering from the advanced stages of hypothermia. Projectjulio 19:48, 14 January 2009 (UTC)

Concept: 4 The subject matter is appropriate, but your "take" on it needs a lot of work. Your article has some good jokes, but the humor is overwhelmed by "random humor" and "forced jokes." Basically, your article needs to be "toned down."

It looks like your trying to cover too much material and insert too many loosely related jokes. That doesn't work it makes your article sound "random". Or, hard to mentally follow. Generally, an article should "tell a story", as it were. Too many one-liners overwhelm your reader, and prevent him/her from following your article.

Try to remain consistent with dates and facts. For example, you have Biden being born in 1836, but running against Taft at the age of 6, therefore in 1842. But Taft was born until 1857. This only confuses the reader, and makes it hard to follow. Generally, try to go with realistic or actual dates for events. If you use too many made up dates, there is a temptation to make up anachronistic events, and overwhelm the article with complete fiction. (See ICarly for an example of this).

As a rule, try to stay close to the truth, this site generally prefers satire, outright "fiction" (meaning events that have no relation to anything) generally isn't that funny. Try to make fun of actual events.

Try to keep the tone/perspective consistent though out the article. For example, you sort of switch tones at the "Who are we talking about again?" and again at "Token White Guy?" sections. The idea of having the reader forget who he's talking about might be funny, but right now, it isn't pulled off. As for tone, try to avoid an overly "attacky" tone. I.e. don't hurl hyperbolic insult after hyperbolic insult at the reader, or use the proverbial verbal sledgehammer.
Prose and Formatting: 5.5 This has some formatting issues.

First off, you are a little header heavy. That's probably from covering too much material too briefly. This might go away when you re-write it, or it might not. On the plus side, at least your using sub-headers.

You might want to add a see also section at the end. It makes your article look better and longer.

Also, you might want to move a pic or two to the left side. I'm "feeling" some ugliness in your article, and I think having 4 pics on the right might be it. Generally, you should have about a third to one half of your images on the left. The first image should be on the right, and image in the middle of a list.
Images: 7 The first one is funny, but the other 3 aren't really related to the article that much. They go with the article as is, but you might need to change them when you change the content. The second one is probably a reference to the fact that Biden once boasted that he was from a southern State because slavery was legal in Delaware. That might be funny, but your reader might not get the reference. (As an aside, that is another problem with being too random/outlandish: the reader may think the "funny because its true" things you say are in fact random.) The 3rd one (Obama) doesn't have that funny of a caption right now. If you can pull of the "reader forgets who he's reading about" thing, it would be funny. But, that might not be possible. The last one is based on a really outlandish idea, that I don't think will work.
Humour: 3.5 I get the feeling that you have alot of "forced" "random" jokes at times. In other words, you're spending too much time "setting up" a joke instead of "advancing the plot." To make matters worse, some of those jokes aren't related to the topic that well. (Which may be why the take so long to set up.) Also, you often ramble into absurdity. Take for example, this sentence:
Biden is the father of 18 children, 36 grandchildren, 72 great-grand children, half the population of Baltimore and 97 miscellaneous mulatto children who look an awful lot like him and would lawfully be considered his offspring if not for the $10,00 in secret hush money that pretty much everyone knows about so it's not really as much "secret" hush money as it is just regular, out-in-the-open, SHUT THE FUCK UP money.

That is about 70 words, being generous. Your stretching out the punchline too long, and that is a witch to read. In addition, I think you are rambling some. See below for how to rephrase it. This might correct itself when you tone it down, or it might not.

Improvability Score: 6 This should be fairly easy to improve, but it will require a full re-write. I suggest working on it.

As a final note, you might want to work on this in user space if you see a flood of other users, and especially ips editing it. After you get a finished version, then you can talk to an admin about moving it back into mainspace.
Final Score: 26 main issue would be a tone down, fixing rambling sentences.
Reviewer: --Mnbvcxz 07:40, 15 January 2009 (UTC)

An example of how to improve your sentence structure using the example of:

Biden is the father of 18 children, 36 grandchildren, 72 great-grand children, half the population of Baltimore and 97 miscellaneous mulatto children who look an awful lot like him and would lawfully be considered his offspring if not for the $10,00 in secret hush money that pretty much everyone knows about so it's not really as much "secret" hush money as it is just regular, out-in-the-open, SHUT THE FUCK UP money.

First off, there is some totally gratuitous rambling and typos in that sentence. Fixing that (striking out removal, bolding additions):

Biden is the father of 18 children, 36 grandchildren, 72 great-grand children, half the population of Baltimore and 97 miscellaneous mulatto children who look an awful lot like him and would lawfully be considered his offspring if not for the $10,000 in secret hush money that pretty much everyone knows about so it's not really as much "secret" hush money as it is just regular, out-in-the-open, SHUT THE FUCK UP money.

We get:

Biden is the father of 18 children, 36 grandchildren, 72 great-grand children, half the population of Baltimore and 97 miscellaneous mulatto children who would lawfully be considered his offspring if not for the $10,000 in secret hush money that pretty much everyone knows about so it's not really as much "secret" hush money as it is just regular, out-in-the-open, SHUT THE FUCK UP money.

now, thinking about it more, you don't need to say the amount of money, and by doing so, you run the risk of saying a stupid number. Also "secret hush" is redundant.

Biden is the father of 18 children, 36 grandchildren, 72 great-grand children, half the population of Baltimore and 97 miscellaneous mulatto children who would lawfully be considered his offspring if not for the $10,000 in secret hush money that pretty much everyone knows about so it's not really as much "secret" hush money as it is just regular, out-in-the-open, SHUT THE FUCK UP money.

we get:

Biden is the father of 18 children, 36 grandchildren, 72 great-grand children, half the population of Baltimore and 97 miscellaneous mulatto children who would lawfully be considered his offspring if not for the hush money that pretty much everyone knows about so it's not really as much hush money as it is just regular, out-in-the-open, SHUT THE FUCK UP money.

Now, this is better, but still long. Try dividing it into two sentences, doing some minor rephrasing

Biden is the father of 18 children, 36 grandchildren, 72 great-grand children, half the population of Baltimore and 97 miscellaneous mulatto children who would lawfully be considered his offspring if not for the hush money. thatHowever, pretty much everyone knows about it, so it's not really as much hush money as it is just regular, out-in-the-open, SHUT THE FUCK UP money.

we get:

Biden is the father of 18 children, 36 grandchildren, 72 great-grand children, half the population of Baltimore and 97 miscellaneous mulatto children who would lawfully be considered his offspring if not for the hush money. However, pretty much everyone knows about it, so it's not really as much hush money as it is just regular, out-in-the-open, SHUT THE FUCK UP money.

Now, this still a bit wordy though. Try removing some more redundant or unneeded words, and replace two-word (or longer) phrases with a single word. If the punchline is long purposefully, don't gut it to shorten your prose. However, "lead up" text can generally be shortened.

Biden is the father of 18 children, 36 grandchildren, 72 great-grand children, half the population of Baltimore and 97 miscellaneous mulatto children who would lawfully be considered his offspring if not for the hush money. However, pretty muchalmost everyone knows about it, so it's not really as so much hush money as it is just regular, out-in-the-open, SHUT THE FUCK UP money.

We get:

Biden is the father of 18 children, 36 grandchildren, 72 great-grand children, half the population of Baltimore and 97 mulatto children who would lawfully be considered his offspring if not for the hush money. However, almost everyone knows about it, so it's not so much hush money as it is just regular, out-in-the-open, SHUT THE FUCK UP money.

you might also consider cutting the sentence into two sentences. Its probably shorter than what I personally would normally write. But, its probably best to to try to get your sentences as short as possible. You can always combine them again if your text gets too choppy.

Biden is the father of 18 children, 36 grandchildren, 72 great-grand children, half the population of Baltimore and 97 mulatto children who would lawfully be considered his offspring if not for the hush money. However, almost everyone knows about it, this. so Therefore, it's not so much hush money as it is just regular, out-in-the-open, SHUT THE FUCK UP money.

we get:

Biden is the father of 18 children, 36 grandchildren, 72 great-grand children, half the population of Baltimore and 97 mulatto children who would lawfully be considered his offspring if not for the hush money. However, almost everyone knows about this. Therefore, it's not so much hush money as it is just regular, out-in-the-open, SHUT THE FUCK UP money.

This is much easier to read, and doesn't sound nearly as rambling. It even sounds a bit more believable for some reason. --Mnbvcxz 07:40, 15 January 2009 (UTC)

Wow, thx for the review. I didn't realize how much of my content consisted of arbitrary modifiers (e.g. miscelaneous children; $10,000 hush $). I shall refine the article to make it more precise. This is my first article, but I will do my best to reformat. Thanks again. Projectjulio 14:09, 15 January 2009 (UTC)
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