Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Jewish Mothers
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Mattityahu 20:28, August 21, 2011 (UTC)
- Hey Mattityahu, give me 3-4 days and I'll post on your Talk Page when it is ready. Better late than never :) Mattsnow 03:25, September 8, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||8||Hi my friend! You'll notice that I always try to put as much suggestions in as I can when I do a Pee Review since I think it helps the author (you!) a lot more than a constant whining. Those are suggestions, not orders, I put them there to help spark ideas! I think I am gonna have to work hard to make suggestions though, as this is a good article.
First of all, I like the article concept and the intro is pretty good, as it starts with a smash and clearly establishes the subject! I especially like this: "You think Zadie survived the Holocaust so you could make fart jokes?" LOL. The rest of that paragraph is a bit weak, since it seems that doing comedy has no future. Not too funny! Maybe you could expand a bit on that sentence I mentioned earlier, it seems you could make another joke about a Jewish hero in the same style.
The template on the right is pretty darn funny, you could add "Phone number: None it seems!" "Favorite flowers: Not the one you sent me." Or something. If you add some, don't add too much though.
It's a good thing to have a kind of narrator break the pace a bit here I believe.
The part about Ms Greenberg is totally hilarious!
Not bad at all there, but maybe the ending of the paragraph is a little weak. You could say the parents dropped right in the middle of an important reunion at work, or that they are planning to buy that house for sale next to where the son lives.
Ok, for the forst part of the section this seems to be going nowhere, there is not much jokes at all. Also, why say "this section is offensive"? It kills the fun. An exemple is "Besides, you remember the stories about what those hooligans did to Zadie when he lived in Brooklyn. The neighborhood was clearly "changing" and it was time for us to move to Long Island." Why say that? It doesn't set up a joke and it isn't really funny in and of itself. You could like explain or thrash this altogether. And maybe expand the Obama thing. I'd suggest getting rid of one of these topics and expanding the other.
The trip to Israel is not bad at all, but it could be improved with a couple of jokes in my opinion, I'll let you decide what! :) Maybe it could be some over the top racism against Palestinians, but it's hard to make this kind of joke funny.
In the media
MMMM, as I say above, I don't know anything about Seinfeld, but even if I did, I think the outro should be something else. I can't thimk of anything, but this just seems out of place. Even if the conclusion is not overly funny, it should be in sync with the rest of the article.
|Concept:||7.5||Well, I don't know anything about Jewish mothers, but I sure now about mothers and I think it is a cool concept here that you took, like a mother speaking to her son.|
|Prose and formatting:||7.5||You write very well and have a great prose! That is refreshimg to see, as some articles on Pee have less than stellar prose, so I guess it will be easy for you to make some tweaks if you decide to do so! :) I corrected a typo, I charge 5 dollars per typo.
Well, on the formatting side of things, that "Jewish stuff" thing is really in the way, try to put that one on the right or left, but in the middle like that it is quite ugly :S. You could also put it at the end since you have 2 templates that are pretty close there.
|Images:||7||Image 1: Well, since the mother is talking to a grown up or a teen all along, I feel that this image is a bit out of context. If I were you, I'd try to find an image where the mom is crying (I know it may be difficult to find a funny one, maybe one that is cartoonish?)
Image 2: The telephone thing is a good idea, I like the simplicity of it and the straightforwardness of the caption.
Image 3: Hahaha! This is hilarious!
Image 4: This one I don't get at all, but it is because I don't know Seinfeld, so I really can't pronounce myself. But a lot of people know Seinfeld, so maybe it's worth keeping. However, it makes me feel that the ending is kinda clogged and not really aestetically pleasing (the "In the media" looks squeezed like hell) I dunno... I report, you decide!
|Miscellaneous:||8||The article is very good, so I miscellane an 8.|
|Final Score:||38||This article is very, very good and I sure can see it as a feature after that template thing has been taken care of and the small, more boring passages have a joke or 2 added in them. I think it is the highest score I ever gave. Remember, a Pee Review is a lenghty opinion of only one person, but I think I am not in the wrong when I say I am quite sure the other users are going to like it too. I hope the Pee Review has been helpful and feel free to contact me on my Talk Page and when you think the article is ready, let me know and I'll certainly nom it for VFH, or you can just nom it yourself if you prefer! Bye!|
|Reviewer:||Mattsnow 04:37, September 8, 2011 (UTC)|