Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Jesus RPG.

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Revision as of 20:55, October 20, 2008 by Nachlader (talk | contribs)

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edit Jesus RPG.

I submitted this but forgot to log in. Sorry Eljawa 18:39, 14 September 2008 (UTC) 17:11, 14 September 2008 (UTC)

Let's do this thing. --Nachlader 20:55, 20 October 2008 (UTC)
Humour: 6 A decent idea, but it leaves the author's finger tips like cotton wool is pathetically fired out of a cannon. It has masses of potential surrounding it, but it needs more.More content, more attention, more love. Some of the humour gets random, such as the "bosses" section and I think this article could be so much better without getting random. I'm being generous with the following scores, but that's to flag attention to the nearest Uncyclopedian to improve the article.
Concept: 8 Despite Uncyclopedia having more articles on Jesus than it has, I don't know, hits, there are still decent concepts and articles to be produced on the the world's biggest man. This article is a prime example that the Messiah's udders have yet to be milked of all it's promise. Jesus (RPG) is a brilliant idea. The man is the world's most famous figure, and has a life involving a boundless list of fantasy elements (Not even in Final Fantasy you can walk on water). Henceforth, the idea of a Jesus RPG is a godsend (if you'd pardon the pun), compared to most J-man articles.

However, I'm concerned about the execution. It's humourous at times, but it's like making a good punchline, but you're unsure on whether it's best as a 'knock knock' joke, or a 'why did the chicken cross the road' sort of thing, much less a sort of joke that is heard best from text. The idea finds it's place well on the computer screen, as an Uncyclopedia article, but it's a a concept that deserves so much more. Try and think about how you can expand on the idea of a Jesus RPG. What events in his life could you see in a piss-take videogame? What elements of gameplay could be adapted to his powers? What sort of objectives would the player have? Concentrate on this ideas and amplify them. Then the concept would start making sense.

Prose and formatting: 5 An almost genuine style of writing, let down by a scattering of red links and near invisible sense of content. The plot leaves much to be desired, and while there are billions of people on this earth that are aware of what Jesus (black Jesus to some of them) did, that doesn't mean the article should escape without at least giving a videogame's impression of his life. After all, most movie videogame tie-ins have little to do with the actual storyline of the film. My suggestion would be to break the article into two; the first being the first Jesus RPG, and the second half being the sequel. This way you'll be able to add some more co-ordinated detail and content into the article. Each half could have their seperate plotlines, gameplay differences, important characters, images and so on. The coding is good, but some of the text gets random.

I'd suggest the plot line for the first game would be his early years, going from a carpenter to a miracle-man. Then the second game could be about his dance with death, the crucifixtion, the ressurection and so on (I've never read the bible). The bosses could be organised and carry clever references, but the current bosses you've chosen are just unexpected and detracts on the humour.

Images: 5 You supplied some images, but they are in as good quality as a child's impression of Picasso. There is little about the cover for the pseudo-videogame that suggests image professionalism in the article, other than the age rating on the bottom left corner (which contradicts another part of the article "Rating = B for Blasphemous" and the title on the top of the cover of it ran "Jesus RPG", a frankly obvious name for such a videogame. You may have well called it: "Jesus: The Videogame!". Why not something more adventurous to hook the readers in? Say "Jesus: Just a Carpenter". If you wish to listen to my idea of breaking down the text to seperate videogames, the sequel could be called: "Jesus II: Escape From Judas Iscariot!" and another videogame cover could be produced, you could also get a better picture of Jesus, the current one just shows how long it must've took you to make the image (five minutes at the most?). The tagline (WWJD?NYD!) is clever, however. The other images are just as a depressing as the cover, but the amateurism in it's detail is saved by the article's claim that the game was released in 1984. I'd suggest you add some more informative pictures, maybe depicting some important events? Why not make an image that has Jesus on his deathbed, but only has a glass of water, a strike of lightening from the awful weather outside and a deflated balloon, items of which are depicted on a HUD, in order to ressurrect?
Miscellaneous: 6 Average'd. Add this article to several Jesus templates, I reckon.
Final Score: 30 A great idea, a fantastic concept, but poorly released. However it is one of those poor articles that has an obvious sense of awesome potential, such good potential, I'd convert to God just to get the idea going. If you're willing to take my ideas on board and rewrite the article, I'd like to see this as a VFH nomination.
Reviewer: --Nachlader 20:55, 20 October 2008 (UTC)
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