Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
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Kevin1078 06:53, 29 November 2008 (UTC)
|A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article|
is being reviewed by:
UU - natter
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead).
(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole).
|Humour:||3||Oh. Um, this might not be pretty. Dude, this is pretty damn random. Seriously, for much of the article, none of it makes sense. Ideas, characters and whatnot run in and out of this thing without ever seeming to relate to each other. The boring history bit does make at least a little more sense than what's gone before, but it's still not great. And then you finish off with a list. OK, it's a ten commandments parody, and it is more coherent than the rest of the article, but it's got yo mamma jokes in, it's pretty predictable, and the eleventh commandment is an attempt to be a bit shocking for effect, but fails.
Sorry, but this is a mess. There are two ways forward from this.
One, take it to ?pedia, who are much more into this kind of thing. It'll fit in well there, and they are a very decent bunch.
Two, have a read of HTBFANJS, and then sit down and try to work out what you want to say. Make a coherent article, with things that relate to each other, and that makes a bit more sense than "Once the settlers arrived, led by Barack Obama, they were met by the hordes of Native American Super-Zombies, who had been trained by Jesus to shift their shape between a rabid squirrel and a lifeless corpse."
I'm not saying that all nonsense is bad, but it should really be set within some kind of framework for maximum effect.
OK, that may seem a little harsh. I can see some points here - Jesus being blonde & American, his followers being a Zombie nation could be a comment on mindless followers of organised religion, the Mormons' 'interesting' interpretations of the teachings of Christ... But they're lost in a sea of mess. I'm gonna overflow into the concept section now, see you down there.
|Concept:||2||The problem seems to be, you lack a clear concept, and you're trying to pad things out with a lot of weird stuff because lots of odd stuff is funny. Not really. Odd stuff happening can be funny, but as Spinal Tap said so well, there's a fine line between clever and stupid, and too much oddness makes for a confusing, off-putting read.
What you need is a clear view of the central idea - are you trying to describe how the book of Mormon came about? If so, focus on this, you don't need Obama, Connery, super-zombies, Persians and other irrelevances, you should be able to have fun without going off at so many tangents. Keep your concept clear, and don't stray too far from it, and things should start to make a bit more sense. Then when a bit of nonsense is injected, it's a welcome light relief. If the whole thing's nonsense, it doesn't work.
I think I've made my point now, so on we go to prose and formatting.
|Prose and formatting:||7||No real problems with the spelling, or the formatting, so that gets you a decent score. Moving on.|
|Images:||6||Three of 'em, bunched up a bit at the bottom. Shift one to the top, and spread the others out a little more to make it look more balanced and interesting, you can add a point to this score. The images are at least relevant though, and not too obtrusive. They don't really add too much though. Mind you, I do like the caption on the first one, so that gets you a 6.|
|Final Score:||22.5||Hum, that's a slightly higher score than I was expecting, possibly because I gave it a really good look and thought I spotted some stuff in there. Most people won't, they'll see the zombies, Connery, Obama the dark skinned penis and the rest and decide it doesn't make enough sense. So either take it to ?pedia, where they expect that kind of thing, or take the pruning shears to it, cut back the dead wood of random, and see if you can get the shoots of humour to sprout forth.
Of course, this is only my opinion, others are available. And good luck!
|Reviewer:||--UU - natter 20:52, Jan 12|