Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Jesus Christ
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- ...Articles that you wrote. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 13:14, 7 August 2009 (UTC)
Yes I wrote this and the other two you commented on so I'm not sure what the problem is?
- Well, the first one (Liberal bias) had no record of any contribution you made in its edit history, so I just assumed it was the same with the other two. Also, sign your posts. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 18:23, 7 August 2009 (UTC)
My bad I didn't realize I had written Liberal bias without logging in, but I can assure you that I am the one that created the article. User:Legolas11 7 August, 2009 (UTC)
- Our bad then, I also checked the history, hence the talk page note. It's fine if these are your own. I or one of my esteemed colleagues will be along shortly.--ChiefjusticeDS 20:41, 7 August 2009 (UTC)
I'll do a review for you. Sequence 02:18, 9 August 2009 (UTC)
|Humour:||3||First of I have to say - Get Rid Of All The Quotes. The list of quotes is longer than the navigation bar on the side. One quote on an article may be alright if it is particularly well written and poingant, any more than that and they just become spam. So pick which one you like most and cut out all the rest.
A the humour that you are intending to use through the article about comparing Jesus to a modern day person and chronicling his life is alright, but it is severely hurt through poor execution. In many places your trailing tone pulls the punchline on for too long and turns what could be a funny line into a bore. Take a look at this line: "Then three not so wise men brought the infant gold, frankencence, and mur which means absolutely nothing to someone who isn't even one year old yet, but at least they weren't as stingy as the shepard, who brought nothing same goes for the angel, imagine what an angel could give you, but no nothing." The general rule that you are taught in school is that once a sentence goes between 25-35 words it is better to give it a full stop and continue your line of thought in a new sentence. That sentence is 54 words long. If you place a full stop after the first word 'yet' then this line would work much better. This is technically should be in your prose, but the two are so related that I have to put it here too.
At the moment the jokes are very random and forced. Believe it or not but saying that Jesus played World of Warcraft isn't funny. It just comes out of nowhere and has nothing to do with anything that Jesus did. Nor is saying that his own parents wished he would get hit by a bus. Transplanting modern day technology into a setting 2000 years ago is just stupid random not funny. I'm going to refer you to Sad State of Uncyclopedia because it is a good illustration of why humour like this doesn't work (including the list of friends at the end that have nothing to do with him).
I know it is sounding really harsh at the moment but the aim for the pee review isn't to say 'that sucks and so do you' but rather to say if something isn't working well and suggest improvements, so please don't take any offense at the comments here (even if they do seem kind of harsh).
|Concept:||6||Your concept here is pretty good, Jesus Christ is one of the most well known figures in history and there is a lot of room for parody and satire. In fact he is so well known that he has become an injoke on Uncyclopedia as demonstrated by the disambiguation page for Jesus which links to about 50 other Jesus' ranging from Mexican Jesus to Pokemon Jesus. Since this page is about Jesus Christ why not make it actually about the historical Jesus Christ as there are plenty of fake histories for him already. There is a lot of room for parody of things like how the Catholic Church subverted his name for their own ends in the Inquisition. How the clergy were rich and well fed despite the fact that Jesus was relatively poor and relied upon charity. How he died to save people's sins, and so those for who he died to save felt it necessary to kill anyone who didn't agree to worhsip him. Instead of making up a fake and unamusing history for him I think it would be much better if you instead assign him the history that those who wanted to use his name for their own ends assigned him. Write it out as if you were an alien observing how Jesus Christ supposedly set an example for his followers to follow which included bloodshed, violence, and decadence.|
|Prose and formatting:||3||As I said in the humour section your punctuation is causing enough problems that it is affecting the jokes. Read over each line aloud and see where you naturally pause when reading. When you pause like that either put a comma or full stop, or alternatively just rewrite the entire line to sound more natural. I didn't see any major spelling errors so you are okay on that front, but your grammar sounds confused. This may have to do with your punctuation so pay attention to your grammar as you read the lines aloud as well and make any adjustments as needed. You may want to consider putting all of the biography part under a single heading - history - and then put the individual subsections into smaller headings. At the moment there isn't enough writing in each part to justify a new heading for each one. Finally this is a lonely page. Add links! When you finish typing up a new edit go through each part and add the link tags to words that you think are likely to have an entry. Uncyclopedia doesn't have as many entries as Wikipedia, so the chances of each word having it's own entry is slim. That's why you should focus on common nouns and verbs, famous names, numbers etc. You can preview the edits to see if the link leads to an article, and if it doens't just remove the link tags and try a different word.|
|Images:||1||At the moment there aren't any images apart from the single one in the infobox, and that was probably there before you started editing the article. You need to add more images for this. At the current length I would suggest putting in around at least 2 or 3 new pictures. Jesus is a very popular subject, so there should be no lack of potential material.|
|Miscellaneous:||3||At the moment the article isn't all that good, so I probably wouldn't recommend it to other people.|
|Final Score:||16||I need to make clear that this review isn't an insult or sleight against your writing. At the moment the article is pretty poor...but it has a great lot of untapped potential. If you change the focus away from 'just another one of the dozens of phoney and random Jesus articles' to 'Jesus Christ - according to the actions of christians throughout history then it could really stand apart from the rest and shine. Rather than give up on this article I think it just needs a change of direction.|
|Reviewer:||Sequence 02:18, 9 August 2009 (UTC)|