Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Jello Biafra

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edit Jello Biafra

Kowaru 03:50, 30 September 2008 (UTC)

UUtea A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article
is being reviewed by:
UU - natter UU Manhole
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead).
(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole).

Let's do this. --UU - natter UU Manhole 13:53, Oct 17

Humour: 4 OK, there's no way around this: it's not great. The ICU was deservedly improved, because it's not deletion material, but neither is it top quality yet. There are a few good ideas, but they are lost in quite a bit of random.

Most of that is related to your concept, or lack of it, so I'll address most of my concerns there.

The intro is the strongest bit you have, and each section thereafter slowly goes downhill - it feels like you ran out of ideas quite quickly, and just resorted to whatever came into your head. Please excuse me if this isn't the case, but that's how it feels. I like the idea of the birds landing on him during live performances, that made me smile. And in general, the ideas in the intro are the ones you want to work with a bit more.

Concept: 5 No problem with a page about Biafra, and at least you haven't just done the "he is a plate of jello thing" as your only joke, which was my initial fear. But this is still an article in search of a coherent concept, as evidenced by the slide into random as it progresses. A great approach to writing an article is to get your central concept clear before you start - including a rough idea of where it's going to go. If you have an idea of your structure, it tends to help you produce a coherent article. If you start with one section planned, and then try to force the rest, you often find you run out of steam and try to force it the more you progress.

So what's your concept? Well, the best idea you have here is the old reversal trick - Jello's known for his liberal views, so lets make him as right-wing as we can. And he's a short haired punk type, so we'll make him a greaser who plays doo-wop. And he's a bit manic on stage, so we'll make him stationary. Fine, that'll do for an idea. Stick to it though - stuff like his parents being gay hardcore punks, the bit about vikings, the marriage to big foot, the battle with the thing and that death bit make no sense, aren't funny, and just confuse your readers. There's enough to work on with the right wing thing, and the reversals. Take his songs literally, without irony, and have fun with it. So he's a committed worker for the Cambodia Tourist Board, a fundraiser for Jerry Brown, loves nothing more than spending time with rednecks and selling out etc etc etc. Take a look at UN:BEST for inspiration - reading some of our best articles often helps, particularly if you pick out some of the biographical ones (Buster Keaton springs to mind as an example). And don't forget HTBFANJS - that always helps!

Prose and formatting: 4 Starts out like an attempt an an article, but each section gets progressively more random. Formatting is fine as far as it goes, but my main issue is the spelling. When you've done some more work on this, get the Proofreading Service to take a look at it. Seriously. Here's a few to get you started though: warbeling; destinctive; ennunciated; faim; fonfused; arem ost.

Furthermore, your prose doesn't flow. It's very "this happened. Then this happened. Then this." There's no description, no time taken to give the article room to breathe - a lot of it seems like a series of statements together as a paragraph. It feels quite jerky as a result - and while I know Jello's movement is quite jerky, I don't think this is a deliberate stylistic thing. Spend more time tweaking your prose for rhythm and flow, it makes such a difference. By all means get your ideas down first, but then spend more time on polishing it - it makes a lot of difference, believe me!

Oh, and add the {{wikipedia}} template - linking to their article helps people to get your references.

Images: 5 The good news is, you've got some, and a couple are even relevant. Get rid of the irrelevant ones, such as the MJ/Bigfoot one, The Thing one, the Shoop Da Woop one and the gay bikers one. Then distribute the others evenly through the article, and caption them appropriate to the text, and you're well on your way.
Miscellaneous: 4.5 Averaged.
Final Score: 22.5 Not a great score, but I've given far worse. You need to get that central idea going, and keep it through the whole article. Don't resort to randomness - if you're struggling for stuff to write, walk away and come back later - a rest often helps. Don't force it. Pick up your better ideas and run with them, and hopefully you'll end up with a decent article at the end of it.

Finally, this is only my opinion, others are available. And good luck!

Reviewer: --UU - natter UU Manhole 14:36, Oct 17
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