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Well, It survived the WILD SPONTANEOUS WRITING CONTEST OF AWESOMENESS but really, what does that mean? Not much. So tell me what it looks like without being deprived of sleep. I put this together in an hour last night, and then made some slight modifications to it again when I woke up today.18:32, June 28, 2010 (UTC)
| This raptor is guarding this article while his master, Iwillkillyou333 is reviewing it. Be Careful! He Bites.|
- 24 hours or less--If you're 555 then I'm Talk What's it like to be a heretic? 03:41, June 29, 2010 (UTC)
- Almost done.--If you're 555 then I'm Talk What's it like to be a heretic? 17:46, June 29, 2010 (UTC)
|I like to write a lot of things, I’m pretty good at Pee Reviews, and I received an award Author of the Month Award and one feature. Also I like Avenged Sevenfold, Modern Warfare 2, Halo 3, and brunettes and emo girls.|
|Concept:||8||Right, so this article was made in that one hour contest; I should know, I was in it. And plus I voted ‘’’FOR’’’ for the article. Now I’m reviewing. Well, since this was written in an hour I can understand why its kind a short, but I’ll get to that later. Anyway the concept is pretty good; an article that has a world cup soccer ball (or as they say outside the United States, football) talking about his life (even though it is an inanimate object but that’s what makes it funny) is a good concept. You still, however, made a few mistakes and stuff like that, but I’ll explain that later. The article itself is good concept-wise.|
|Prose and Formatting:||6||There are two things I will point out here; spelling-grammar mistakes, and tone.
You have several spelling mistakes as well as grammar mistakes. But this is understandable, as you had to write this in an hour and probably didn’t had time to fix these mistakes (I made several on mine, so don’t feel bad) But a little proofreading can fix that.
Now let’s get to the tone. You made the tone an first person tone article, and made the ball the narrator of the article. That’s a pretty good idea. However, by the time you reach the last section “Other Adjectives used to describe THE JABULANI”, it loses that first person tone. It also makes that section look like a list, something many people do not like nowadays on Uncyclopedia. You can say something like “There are many adjectives that can describe me” and then put those words in. Just don’t make it look like a list.
|Humo(u)r:||5||Some of the humor works on this article, and some of it does not.
First thing I’ll talk about would be that fact that it explained how it became an article. I’m not trying to downplay it, but I do not think anybody would care about that fact in the article, and it doesn’t contribute humor to your article. I suggest you put that in the discussion page. That is up to you, but this just doesn’t belong in the article itself.
Also, the article seems to bash black people and South Africa. I like to point out that racism is not the best humor to use, as this can offend people. Remember, not all visitors of Uncyclopedia are white. You can make the JABULANI admit he’s a racist, but make sure that you don’t overdo it. We’re here to make people laugh, not offend them.
Also, some of your facts are mixed up. For example, you said it was made and Bangkok, but it was actually made in Loughborough University , located in the U.K., and the fact that Bangkok is full of blacks, but in reality its located in Thailand, meaning its full of Asians. Although random things and untrue things can create humor, it’s wise to remember: The truth is usually funnier than nonsense; the funniest articles are closer to the truth. It states that in the HTBFANJS. So take note of that
|Images:||7||You got some, and they all relate to your article. I give you a seven because you can at least expand them some, because they are smaller than desirably viewed. Maybe one or two wouldn’t hurt (that’s up to you), but I think you’re fine with the images|
|Miscellaneous:||6.5||My overall grade of this article|
|Final Score:||32.5||Making and hour article is not easy, but still have a good idea. Don’t stop working on it, because I really want to see this on the front page If you have any questions/comments, just go to my talk page and I’ll be happy to answer them. Good Luck! Cheers!|
|Reviewer:||--If you're 555 then I'm Talk What's it like to be a heretic? 19:01, June 29, 2010 (UTC)|