Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Iron (resubmit)

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edit Iron

Deathtomato 12:55, 5 September 2008 (UTC)

This article is under review by
Gerry Cheevers.

Sayeth Gerry: shotgun!!
Humour: 5.5 *intro: 6

you're kind of all over the place. there's good parts and not-so-good parts. i like the caveman thing, that was pretty funny. but the obese iron and french thing wasn't that effective. the difference is that the caveman line is unexpected (scientists learning from cavemen) and thus clever; the Fe stuff is just random and not very funny. i would say that you don't need the quotes at the top, they really don't contribute much. however, i am intrigued, so you have managed to capture my attention with your intro. kudos.

  • history: 8

i like many parts of this section. the repeated caveman references, the sister germanium, armies of clay...those are great. however, stuff like 'in the year fred' just doesn't fit; it's random and doesn't really serve a purpose. try to make sure everything 'fits' with the content around it, to have a better flow.

  • properties: 4

this section really drags. lists are generally frowned upon, and this one is not good. i would say that most of the properties can get dropped, and you should expand the remaining ones (medicinal, ductility) and turn them into paragraph form.

  • modern attempts: 4

this section is off-the-charts random, and i would say you should totally rewrite it. however, ending the entire article with 'how's that for irony?' was good. but the rest is pretty weak.

Concept: 7.5 5/5 points for a well-known subject worthy of parody. we should have an article on iron.

2.5/5 points for execution. you have some good concepts, but you don't tie them together. for one thing, you seem to personify iron a lot, calling it gay and such. i think you should drop this aspect; saying things like 'iron broke free from the periodic table' are kind of lame. i think you should stick with the caveman thing. every section of the article reads differently; try to integrate more.

Prose and formatting: 6 a list, lots of redlinks. grammar and spelling were just okay. i'll proofread and de-redlink. i'll move some stuff around to help your formatting too.
Images: 7 the first image was good. the second image i really didnt get, other than a woman holding a sign that said 'iron (something)' i didn't understand. the last image was pretty good.
Miscellaneous: 6.5 averaged
Final Score: 32.5 my preview button tells me that your score is 32.5 i would say that this is close to being an adequate article, but it needs some trimming and rewriting. try to make all your sections like the second section, it was your best one. dump that list and turn it into some paragraphs. some more content wouldn't hurt. if you need any further assistance i can be found on my talk page. good luck!
Reviewer: SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 15:01, 5 September 2008 (UTC)
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