Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Iranian Pie

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Revision as of 07:47, January 14, 2009 by Mnbvcxz (talk | contribs)

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edit User:An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays/sandbox

Obviously this needs expanding somehow, so any advice as to where I could take it would be great. (Perhaps you can think of some other teen sex movie bits I could parody?) -- transparent Ape (discalceate) (Riot Porn) 23:03, 12 January 2009 (UTC)

I got this one. --Mnbvcxz 06:39, 14 January 2009 (UTC)
Actually I doubt this really needs expanding, too much could kill the joke -- which is hillarious! -- I'll let Mn say what he's going to but I would tone down teh hyperbole on "Ahmet ejaculates prematurely several hundred times, releasing years of pent up semen." try "Ahmet ejaculates prematurely wasting a batch of his precious semen supply". (I've heard that some Muslim boys are told that they do not have a infinite supply!) Anyway good luck with this article! ~Orian57~ Icons-flag-gb ~Talk~ Gay sign 07:03 14 January 2009
Concept: 6 This concept is funny, but is a bit cliche, and the reader knows what your going to do with it.

I think your article runs a little too outlandish. Not alot, but it still could use some toning down. If the base is too exaggerated, if forces you to go near (or into) "random" territory when you make a joke. At times, you almost approach inconsistency. For example, if the film is banned in Iran, how did it create sequels?

You also have some "flow" issues at times, you probably can fix those as you expand the article. For example, you start explaining the movie's opening scene before the "plot" section.

Also, your article comes off as a bit "attacky" at times. You might be able to fix this my making the article a little biased in favor Iran.

You have some factual issues that take away from the humor. (At least to the over-educated fact-nazis more cultured readers) For example, Al-Quaida is a Sunni Muslim organization, while Iran is Shia'h Muslim. Also, you seem to be almost "name dropping" terms on occasion.

Having the 4 have almost identical names is a little confusing. Mahmoud is merely a different form of Muhammad.

Finally, I don't think this is to point where you should stop adding material yet. You could run the risk of rambling, but this article still has potential left for expansion and re-work. I'd suggest expansion and see what happens, you can always revert edits.
Prose and Formatting: 6 Nothing major. However, your article is still in the border-line stub stage. I'm hesitant to give high scores when there is little to format, and therefore, mess up. Also, the top image probably should either have a caption, or not be in thumnail format. You might also want to get rid of the red link in the see also section.
Images: 7 Images are ok, but nothing really stands out. The first image needs some work. For one, the plot doesn't have anything to do with jihad. I know getting a better one might be a difficult task, but that image sets a bad tone. If you can't get it fixed, I'm not sure if you should keep it or not. You should always have a pic of the subject matter, but that one is bit off.

Second, the man's face is far to dark and African looking to be an Iranian. Also, the woman in front looks like a gypsy and the pie is floating mid air and on its side. The second and third one are ok, but they don't really add to the humor.
Humour: 5.5 The article relies to much on "throw away" jokes and excessive hyperbole at times. For example, the article says, "He is subsequently arrested and his left hand is cut off, causing the other boys to nickname him Mahmoud of the Sinful and Inglorious Stump." Yet, the fact he is an amputee is never mentioned again. Repetition tends to make outlandish events more "believable". Basically, the reader mentally processes them as happening in a story, not as one-use throw-away jokes.

Like Orian57 said, the ejaculating 100's of time thing is a bit far-fetched. Your reader can't mentally picture someone literally ejaculating a hundred times.

At times, it feels like some of jokes are "forced". It like you're using a lot of the text to set up jokes or mock the Iranians rather than moving the plot along. You might find opportunities to use shoe-horned jokes as you expand it.
Improvability Score: 7.5 I think this article can be improved fairly easily. You'd probably need to cut out some of the excessive hyperboles. I'd also advice expanding it some, and see if that causes more opportunities for humor.
Final Score: 32 Good luck, keep expanding it
Reviewer: --Mnbvcxz 07:47, 14 January 2009 (UTC)
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