Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Ion cannon

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edit Ion cannon

First article ever... im open to any opinions or improvement... i also don't mind you guys saying "delete it" SkyFortress 03:43, September 28, 2009 (UTC)

I would but no. Sorry. [/zh] 08:41 October 1
I got it. --Mn-z 15:36, October 2, 2009 (UTC)
Concept: 3.5 Please read UN:HTBFANJS and Beginner's Guide.

Basically, your article is about an apocalyptic weapon involving the god-like powers of Chuck Norris, with a good bit of name dropping. In a nut shell, the reason its not funny is because its been done before. Over 1,400 mainpage articles link to Chuck Norris, and that is after several attempted "purges".

When writing an article, try to avoid apocalyptic weapons, articles in which a cute object is more evil than Hitler, and the like. Also, try to avoid articles that mention Chuck Norris, Mr. T., Clint Eastwood, or other "action heros" preforming superhuman feats. Again, this has been done before, and it really wasn't that funny the first time.

Also, try to avoid name dropping, i.e mentioning celebrities for the sake of mentioning celebrities. That is also cliche, and wasn't funny the first time. I think that tends to make the article "too busy" of the article which makes it hard to mentally follow. The same goes with introducing a new "character" every paragraph.

Finally, if you find yourself saying (or describing) how cool or awesome the subject of an article is, your probably on the wrong track. Generally, you'll want to write in a "witty, mild-to-moderately hostile" mode toward the subject. Overly hostile writing, often called using the "literary sledgehammer" is also bad.

Your article is also quite "choppy" in places, which is normally a sign that your covering too much material too fast. Also, if you have short paragraphs/sections you can't combine, it could also mean your covering too many ideas with not enough words.

Prose and Formatting: 5.5 Your main formatting error are:
  • Extra lines. Try to avoid them. As a rule, 1 line between items is enough, if not less.
  • Too many headers. Try to merge sections if you can. If you can't, demote some of the headers to sub-headers. On a related note, you also have too many short paragraphs.
  • Images generally go directly beneath a header/subheader. That reduces the likelihood of images going across section horizontal lines. Also, it would prevent a single "orphaned" line from being above an image.
Images: 5.5 You have images of the subject for the first 2 images. The 2nd one is a bit "random", but that is more because the prose its showing is rather random.

The 3rd one is random, and has the feeling of "clicheness." Generally, try to avoid images that are overused, either on the wiki or on the internet as a whole. They can be used occasionally, only when the image would have some relation to the text.

Humour: 3.5 This is where I would normally review your article by section. However, the quality of your article doesn't vary much, and still more or less in the stub phase, so there isn't much to say that I haven't said in the concept section.
Improvability Score: 3 I would suggest you probably work on something else. It is from established fiction, and could probably be done decently, albeit not easily, but an experienced writer, but it would be almost impossible to write well for a new author. I think the main problem is obscurity, your writing about a weapon in a computer game, and there probably isn't that much source material to work with. You can move this into userspace if you want to keep it to work on later.

If you do decide to try to fix this, I'd suggest rewriting it. I'd try writing an article about the Command and Conquer Ion cannon with some humorous jabs. Don't be overly hostile, i.e. don't overtly say something along the lines of "The Ion Cannon sucks and is gay." I would also suggest some game screen shots. I'm not sure how well that will work out, but it will probably be better than the current version.

Finally, try to avoid gratuitousness lists in any rewrite that you do. Your list isn't too bad (it has jokes and its short), but don't make a list like "people who have been killed by an ion cannon" and then list 20 random celebrities/internet memes.

Final Score: 21 I would suggest tring something else
Reviewer: --Mn-z 16:34, October 2, 2009 (UTC)
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