Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Invader Zim

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edit Invader Zim

99.109.177.36 21:02, April 11, 2011 (UTC)

Reviewed within less than 48 hours or your money back. Also, send me some money. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 22:44, April 11, 2011 (UTC)
Oi! Don't exploit the IPs. (Send it to me instead.) Jackofspades (talk) 23:12, 11 April 2011
You're on my turf homeslice. Best gets off this grill before I go bust a cap' in your ass in a drive-by with my boyz.
P.S. I have no idea what I just said. How about we split the profits?
Sincerely, --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 01:49, April 12, 2011 (UTC)
Almost done, or something...--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 23:10, April 13, 2011 (UTC)
Humour: 3 Evenin' to ya IP#99.109.177.36, ready for your first review? So overall, this isn't a long article, which is a small problem since I know this topic has some good parts that you could talk about. For one, work on fixing the intro into a wikipedia article style of a television show, like here [1]. Notice the right panel that lists out the names of people who wrote the show, the show times, etc. Remember, you're making fun of wikipedia, but that doesn't mean you can't mimic their formatting, just make it funny while you do it.

Secondly, you already have some good section within this article, but you need to expand them and actually put some jokes in there. You see that box at the bottom of the article? That pretty much tells you what I'm saying in this review for you. Seeing as how this is a show and considering that I have seen it have witnessed so many things to poke fun off like his arrogant attitude and that weird kid who is fascinated with him, I know you can include a lot more irony within this article.

Also, work on the wording of you sentences, like this, " due to the fact that he thinks they are a bunch of losers, although he is in fact more of a loser than them combined." That's just redundancy to a new level and there are grammar errors! Mrgggghhhh. Make the flow a lot better and just re-word this sentence. Sorry, I'm drawing example blanks. Forgive me.

So the main thing I'm seeing is that you simply insert one sentence for each section and then just jump to another topic. You need to relax and concentrate on one section before moving on. Make it at least a paragraph long and make sure that there are relevant jokes and humour, because right now, only one sentence made me chuckle in my head, and that was, "Not wanting Emperor Palpatine to kill him, Invader Zim had been defeated once again, this time by copyright infringement." Although you might want to consider re-wording this sentence as well...

Also, read HTBFANJS, or whatever that acronym is, because it seems like it might help you out. In cases like this, advice is good to help out the writer a bit. I would even read some other articles and compare your writing style to theirs, just to get a good grip on how this site works and how we make humour work.

Also, you have re-runs in your article and some unusual sentence like this, "taking him to Area 51 to be none other than dissected," To be none other? None other than what? The use of that phrase is not appropriate for this section. Also, run-on sentences like this, "His stupid assistant mourned his death, although the other aliens did not care, more or less." You could really re-wrod most, if not all, of these sentences to work a little better and have a better flow.

So that's about ti for the humour section. Sorry it's shorter than I usually write, but this article is damn short and I can't suggest anything for you to do further without writing the actual article for you. I'll be glad to review your humour in conditions that better suit your actual writing style and not just a couple of sentences put into an article.

Concept: 6.5 It's relatively good concept, not original of course, but still good. I took off points for the lack of direct humour in it though, hope you don't mind.

Look into working in the humour and following the advice I give you in the rest of the review to improve on this.

Prose and formatting: 4 Don't believe I saw any major spelling errors or such in their. I did see many grammatical errors though such as run-on sentences, and unusually statements. I go in depth in this issue in the humour section.

Not much can be said about the formatting, it's a short article and the main problem here is the placement of that picture. Work on it a bit so that the article has more substance and work it out more like a wikipedia article, you know, with that little box below the introductory picture that outlines the showing times of the show, it's creators, etc. Can't really grade anything else until you do that.

Images: 4.5 You have one picture without a caption. I'm not really taking off for the caption since it can be considered an introductory picture, but you could probably insert more pictures and format the placement of that one picture a lot better. I would suggest inserting pictures of his assistant, maybe of that planet earth with a satirical caption like, "What a hellhole," or something like that.

Expand the article and then I'm sure that image ideas will pop into your head. Or at least, we can only hope so...the horror.

Miscellaneous: 4 Meh, not a long article, not much substance, but it could really be worked into something. Work a little bit more on it, add some meat to those sections, some more pictures, and this should turn out to be a really good article (Warning: My opinions have no scientific backing and may result in a worse article or erectile disfunction. Sometimes both).
Final Score: 22 So that's about it. Sorry aI couldn't have been of more help, but this article is the shortest I've ever reviewed and my internet is periodically shutting off, so I wanted to finish this for you before it dies again. Don't worry about the score, that's just for the IRS/military junta (depending on where you live) to get off our backs. Just focus on the things I told you, work on it a bit and re-submit it here on review. I'll be glad to give you a more extensive and in-depth review compared to this one, it's just there isn;t much to review as it is. Feel free to send any questions or messages to my talkpage. Cheers.
Reviewer: --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 01:45, April 14, 2011 (UTC)
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